Nanowrimo and Renaissance Reflections.

In the spirit of NaNoWriMo, I dedicated time to finalizing a personal essay I’d been working on for roughly two months. If you’re unfamiliar with NaNoWriMo, you can find past posts, here.

This piece deviates from my usual stroke related content but I believe many of you will resonate.  While I make mention of my stroke experience in the essay, it’s not the primary focus, instead, I speak to the influence of Beyonce’s ‘Renaissance’ album and how her music has impacted my healing process.

I’m not here to prescribe what anyone should do, but rather, share what I did—a raw and occasionally somber look at my personal journey.

I provided a brief excerpt below; full essay is available on my Medium page.

I’ll be back soon with a wrap-up!


Break Ups, Breakthroughs and Beyoncé
How Queen Bey Pushed Me Through My Personal Renaissance

I hadn’t felt the weight of an album in years—the personal significance of ‘Renaissance’ went beyond the divine. There was something uniquely hopeful, energetic, and aligned in the music. Right place, right time.

 At its release, ‘Renaissance’ helped propel an almost 2-year healing journey I started in February 2022 after being swept up in a whirlwind love bomb. Although the details of the breakup matter less than the outcome, the onset sent me spiraling into a three-month depression – the kind where eating became optional—resulting in an 11 lbs weight loss on an already small-framed body.

My move to Chicago was meant to bring newfound stability; a liberating shift from a 10-year chase through multiple cities. Trying to find my footing in an unfamiliar environment clashed with the absence of an onsite support system while I was at my most vulnerable.

Those in my circle—family and friends—heard the story repeatedly; they helped fill in the gaps from a distance but there was something about this breakup that broke my soul.

The rose-colored glasses came off. Whatever mirage my mind had conjured up, faded. This wasn’t the first time I fell for the okey doke, but it would damn sure be the last.


READ MORE ON MEDIUM.

Running Late.

 

Intelligentsia Coffee | Chicago, IL

Welcome to 2023? I’ve had a busy winter season and it’s clear that you and I have a lot to catch up on. Let’s rewind a couple months to November – I owe you a NaNoWriMo update. Spoiler: I didn’t make my goal in 2022.

To be honest, my heart wasn’t in it this go-around. Life complications and seasonal depression have been kicking my ass. Listen, it takes a lot of work to maintain this blog—it’s even harder when you have a few wrenches thrown in the plan.

As mentioned in my last post, I’ve been reevaluating what I want to do with this project. While I’m still massaging my thoughts on it, I have enlisted a few friends for support as I get my proverbial sh*t together—guest posters who will help me keep this thing afloat!

Soft callout: if you are a member of the brain injury community and would like to share your written thoughts, words or experiences as a survivor [or caregiver], please feel free to reach out at nomadicaffeinesubmissions@gmail.com.

Having said all of that, I want to thank you for sticking around.

When I initially started this blog in 2016, the focus was more on the writing portion of my journey—it’s something that, for many years, I took pride in.  You can start from the beginning, here.

The desire to write something special stayed with me from childhood, but up until my stroke, it was difficult to find a clear way forward.

I decided to share my progress in terms of storytelling with both the survivor and the writing community, opting to cloak my personal narrative in a fictional format. I didn’t feel the need to have the spotlight on me. By structuring the book this way, I could create enough separation that would allow me to process everything that happened.   

At the time, I spent every Saturday or Sunday morning at a different coffeeshop in Minneapolis. My love of coffee [and coffeeshop culture associated with writers] inspired the name of this blog. The mood music element is based on my deep appreciate for music [thanks, Dad!]

Most of the time when I do the actual book writing, I listen to a mellow track or an hours long instrumental. Too much bass or catchy lyrics distract me – I’m pulled away from the story and into my own peripheral dance fantasies.

The characters were an amalgamation of several different people I knew in real life. I could fill in gaps using made up plot lines, essentially rewriting my story. Looking back to 2016, I remember feeling the buzz of excitement: I had a cadence and boundless optimism for what I was doing. It felt meaningful.

As I approached my 30th birthday, I found myself drawn to the jungles of Costa Rica. I spent a week at yoga retreat meditating in and around the Pacific Ocean.  I needed guidance on this project and the courage to change course.

I noodled on the decision for a bit, but ultimately decided to open the gates of vulnerability through storytelling in memoir form: a recount of my brain bleed from ages 24 to 30. The real deal.

In terms of the blog, when the pandemic hit, I could no longer visit coffeeshops—I thought my theme was shot. If I wanted to keep the blog, I had to pivot. My focus became #beyondthestroke: connecting with more of you on your journey moving forward despite having experienced a brain injury.

I made connections through social media and did interviews with survivors who shared their engaging and compelling experiences of reactivation.  These folks [myself included] have told their “origin story” repeatedly. I was particularly interested in hearing about how they restarted their lives and continue to flourish in the aftermath.

It is important to recognize that we are more than just our brain injuries.

Although these narratives are remarkably inspirational, even after a decade, I continue to grapple with finding my niche in this community.

Part of it could be seen as survivors’ remorse: you wouldn’t know if I didn’t tell you. Even in the absence of any obvious markers, I still face internal struggles – aphasia and general processing take much longer for me than most.

I live a relatively normal life, working full time in semi successful corporate career. I care for myself without a partner to rely on for support.  

I live as if it never ever happened.

I don’t have pictures of my recovery period to share, I no longer participate in medically prescribed physical, speech or occupational therapy and to be honest, I don’t view myself as “disabled.”

Because of this, I often wonder how serious people will take me.

I’m having a really hard time finding survivors who align with my story.

Running this blog is enjoyable, but it is a one woman show and can be overwhelming and quite frankly exhausting to do by myself.  

I’m hoping that in 2023, I can find a sustainable strategy to keep this project going. I’m hoping to find more people…like me.

Mood Music: Float - Janelle Monae, Seun Kuti + Egypt 80

NaNoWriMo 2022

 

Dark Matter Coffee: Osmium | Chicago, IL

My official first year in Chicago has come and gone. From personal experience, the first 12 months is almost always a little disorienting – particularly if you have very little to no network in your new homebase.

I am the queen of starting over; I understood what I was up against and knew there would be an adjustment period ahead.

Unfortunately, I was unable to participate in last year’s NaNo. At the time, there were other things that took precedent, however, I did manage to punch out a few really good interviews over the spring and summer months.

Something With A Little Ginger.

Between the excitement, the discomfort, and the isolation of being in a new, more diverse environment, my book project fell from top of mind. As I become more settled and familiar with the city [neighborhood and transit navigation, developing friendships etc], I have started to re-center myself.

This relocation has been emotionally challenging, but I’m back to give you an update and wrap up 2022 strong. The idea here is to become more aligned with this project while throwing some consistency in the bowl, ha. This is a one woman show – I do the best I can.

Cleary 2022 was meant to be a “growth” year for me.  My limits have been tested in multiple areas of life, siphoning my attention and draining my spirit. Through it all, I still managed to passively put in work, consuming audio versions of various memoirs and a lot of Brene Brown. I love Brene Brown. And self-help-y material that, although unrelated to the book project, has been helpful in prompting my return.

There was a point that I thought about taking a writer’s workshop through the University of Iowa to help get me back on track. That didn’t pan out – I was pressed for time [I found out about it, late] and processing [2] breakups. And looking for a new job. And dealing with housing issues. And acclimating to Chicago. And attempting to create community as a single, 30+ year old woman. And dealing with family.  And half-ass dating in a pool with pee in it.

But I’m glad you’ve decided stick around.

I always come back. Always. This is a passion project for me – I may set it down for a bit, live my life, explore, but I return with renewed perspective on how to interpret the set of events leading up to and the aftermath of, my brain bleed.


Here’s What I’m Thinking For This Years’ Go-Round:

I have to finish my proposal. I’ve been working on it since late 2019, then Covid happened and threw everything off. It’s essentially a 20+ page document detailing the book chapters and summary, attached to a marketing plan. Included in the document is a research portion I’m high-key dreading – a deep dive into the book audience: who am I doing this for? Why? Where are they? How do I reach them?

[Funny enough, I’m assisting with a research-based marketing project in my day job – I don’t normally do market research. The best practices, techniques, resources and tools are eye-opening].

But the spotlight is on the proposal. I really want to get this buttoned up.

The good part: I’m halfway there.

Good luck everyone!

Mood Music: It’s Givin’ - Latto

Dancing Queen.

 

Chicago, IL

If you have been following me for a while, you should be familiar with my love of music and movement.  I’ve told this story before, but it’s my parent’s fault: when my mother was pregnant with me, she would hold a pair of 1980s Panasonic adjustable over-the-ear headphones on top of her belly – the outline of my tiny feet, kicked to each synth bass loop.

After my arrival in ’88, dad had nothing but 8-tracks on repeat.  R&B, funk, reggae, and pop-rock hits from the era and times past, flooded our home.

Every so often, my sister and I accompanied my parents to small, local outdoor music events as one of the few children in the crowd. Dad gave his shoulders to climb on for a better view of the show.

With the band and my parents’ permission, the lead let us run on stage for a song or two to dance. I knew early on that movin’ and groovin’ swam through my DNA.

I share this common thread with another survivor who happens to live a little closer to home. Based in Chicago, she, like many others in our community, finds comfort in knowing that there are people who share this unique experience.

Nikki Mammano, a 26-year-old MBA student and dance instructor, thoroughly appreciates the art.

“Dance has always been a creative outlet for me. What I can’t express in my writing, I dance it out. It’s  my escape and meditation- a way to shut off my busy mind and just be in the moment. Movement is literally medicine; I couldn’t be productive without it.”

Back in 2019, Nikki suffered an unfortunate TBI (traumatic brain injury) after being hit by a truck carrying an amusement park ride. Sadly, her partner who sat in the backseat with her, did not survive.

Beyond the obvious shock of it all, she suffered impacts to the right side of her brain, leading to temporary paralysis to the left side of her body. Nikki developed post-traumatic amnesia – remnants of the first three weeks are gone.

Despite the fact that she occasionally deals with vertigo and tension headaches, her condition has become significantly better over time. I personally remember my own struggle of feeling off-balance after returning to my 9-to-5; vertigo would come on suddenly, disrupting my work day.

“Physical Therapy helped a lot with this. Turning was tough at first, but honestly, dancing and moving my body again helped heal me. I was walking in just a little over two months and back on my yoga mat in three. At five months, I went back to work – the dance studio after six.”


In the aftermath of any sort of brain injury, the way you function throughout the world will most certainly change; the control center of your body has been damaged. Her and I both understand all too well, navigating your new normal.

“Mental effort is now strenuous. Everything takes me a lot longer. I am slower to learn, read, finish tasks, problem-solve and so on. I use different tools like Speechify so I can listen at the same time as reading – it helps me to concentrate and focus. I am always making lists and writing things down right away or will forget things.”

My decision to become more involved in adult dance, pushed the recovery process forward. Repetitive movement, muscle memory, release of tension in the body and general exercise all helped in bringing back my balance.

“I got this mug when I was in acute rehab. My mama got it for me because hot chocolate is my comfort drink. It’s really, really special to me.”

Last summer, Nikki was presented the opportunity to make her first professional appearance since the accident at a studio in DC.

“I remember the night before the showcase during our last practice, I broke down in tears. I told my coach, Abraham, that I felt like the accident put me behind in my dancing. I was reminded who was coming to see me - the most important people in my life. My mom, dad, and grandpa didn’t know if I’d even be able to walk again after my injuries, let alone dance. During that performance, I felt so much gratitude for all of the healing my body has endured. Gratitude to be alive.”

For Nikki, dance calms her anxiety and ultimately soothes her soul. It delivers a purpose that keeps her moving every day.

“Your medically defined symptoms are not just textbook definitions - they are a part of you. A beautiful part of you. Whatever it is you may struggle with - focus, problem-solving, emotional dysregulation - your symptoms do not define you. They are a part of you and are what makes you human. It’s okay to be different and there’s nothing wrong with having to use different tools and strategies to help you. Your uniqueness is what makes you beautiful.”

You can keep up with Nikki and follow her story on Instagram @nikki.mammano.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Flourishing
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Green Tea
Who/What Is Your Motivator: My Mama
What Balances You: Movement
Favorite Color: Light Blue

Mood Music: Not a Victim – David Francisco

Catching the Curveball.

 

Kingston, Ontario, Canada

When I think of candles, I immediately think relaxation. I’m reminded of a quintessential, almost clichéd scene: a woman at ease, bathing.

She sinks into massive bubble cloud with the lights dim in the background.  Her tub is surrounded by a barrage of colorful candles - the scents blend together, poking through each of her nostrils.


Growing up, candles were the added cherry on top in my household – a bonus for a day spent cleaning: we’d straighten up the living room, take the dog out for a walk, vacuum, do the dishes and fold the laundry. The fragrance from a lit candle, signaled a job-well-done.

My memory says it’s dusk on a warm country night in nowheresville, Iowa by the time we finish.  I stay here for a minute. My mother is in the kitchen cutting vegetables, preparing dinner – powerful food aromas fight against the floral stagnation in the air.

The mixture is a smell I love and will never forget.

Coming back to reality, I travel further north outside the states where I meet Rhian Jansen, a candle maker in Kingston, Ontario, Canada. Rhian’s been in the business of making candles for 7 years selling through her e-commerce store, rhicreations.com.

Her favorite concoction is a comingling of sweet and subtle.

“The first scent combo I ever created was Vanilla & Sweet Grass.  I’ve always been a huge fan of sarcasm and witty banter so naturally that’s the direction I took with my branding.  I call this candle ‘The Middle Child’…and of course, I’m a middle child.”

Always crafty, she’s been making ‘something out of nothing’ for as long as she can remember. Rhian’s background in the beauty and fashion industry helped keep her aligned with a home goods aesthetic, offering complementary pieces for home and spa décor.

Her and I connected over my guest episode of the NeuroNerds podcast; I wanted to share her story about the impact of her recent brain bleed on her small business.


In the middle of a global pandemic, Rhian became a member of the survivor club. An AVM [arteriovenous malformation] at the top right of her brain, bled, leading to paralysis of her entire left side. She spent a total of seven weeks hospitalized: two in-patient and five undergoing rehab.

Having the capacity to move forward in business under such unexpected physical and mental duress is challenging. Although medical insurance is a hot button issue in the US, most employers offer disability coverage: at the highest level, you are granted a ‘leave of absence’ to recover and a percentage of your income, in the interim.

During the time of my bleed, I was employed at an environmental engineering firm. I took three months of disability for treatment while receiving 60% of my paycheck. For an independent business owner, things can look a little different, particularly in another country.  

A year and some change out, she has had to make adjustments to accommodate the new version of herself; her energy and stamina can be limited – a common fallout among survivors.


“I give myself 2–3-hour windows to work; I set a timer and force myself to stop when it goes off.  It’s always a double edge sword: if I’m still feeling good cognitively, I get physical fatigue or vice-versa.”

She suggests adjusting your expectations upon returning to work; expecting the same outcomes as before only lead to disappointment and frustration. Life post bleed ebbs and flows – you have good days, ok days and really bad days.  The trick is to slow down and give yourself grace.

“Really learn to be in-tune with your body and listen to the cues it gives you. Don’t force anything.  I’ve also found a lot of comfort through alternative therapies like acupuncture and reiki.”

I remember diving head first into yoga after my treatment. I needed something that was accessible to me that I could use on a regular basis.  Slow flow vinyasa centered my breathing and stretched the stiff muscles I acquired from being bed ridden. It gave me something to focus and concentrate on, improving my overall balance.

“I never fully knew what being your own advocate meant until I was put in this situation where it was crucial to be one.”

I won’t lie: the road to recovery is tough; listening to your intuitive self will help guide you.

Check out Rhian on Facebook @rhicreations and IG @rhicreations_.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Happiness
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Oat Vanilla Latte or a London Fog (depends on the day)
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Happiness
What Balances You: Boundaries
Favorite Color: (Forest) Green

Mood Music: Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

#beyondthestroke: The Creative Producer.

 

Brooklyn, NY

CONFESSION: this is my little sister – we played together a lot in school. I’m 65% confident I fouled out and was benched this game. What a dope pic none-the-less.

Basketball in particular has had a choke hold on my family since the 80’s. My mother, standing at 6’2, was badass on the court, averaging 40 points a game. She led her high school team to the 1982 state championship in East Des Moines, Iowa, eventually solidifying her spot as a hall of famer. Some of the juice my mama had, trickled down to me as an adolescent – I certainly looked the part.

I played for a while in my younger years as a lengthy power forward. I’m only 5’7, but appear much taller in person; I just happen to be long-bodied.

My genetic ‘go-go gadget’ arms were often used to grab rebounds, moving the ball to the front on defense, however, it was evident from the outset that I am not a shooter. You could absolutely count on me to overestimate where the hoop is.

Around 11th grade, I started to make a heavy transition toward the arts: a lot of theater, a lot of dance and a lot of music fueled my creative expression and felt like a better fit.

Sports didn’t do it for me anymore. Jazz hands definitely did.


A couple months ago, I came across Kyle Mengelkamp via Instagram – a well-known advocate  in the young stroke survivor community with a similar tie into sports, brain bleeds and the arts. He created #StrokeofGenius: a nonprofit group of content creators, dedicated to sharing the stories of survivors with brain injuries who have overcome to live happy, healthy lives. 

Kyle experienced his own clash with a brain aneurysm back in 1997. The then 11-year-old, was at a beach in Santa Barbara, CA with his friends after pitching a no-hitter in an all-star baseball game at the time of his incident. The unfortunate event impacted Kyle’s right side and like most of us in the community, he went on to do a number of treatments to aid in his recovery including speech, physical and mental health therapies.

By the time high school came around, he would be reintroduced to sports, developing the ‘Kyle Style’: a way of maneuvering his body that would allow him to functionally compete in athletics with his teammates. Although the ‘Kyle Style’ became a solution for participation, there would be a limit to how far he could advance in the game. When it was time for him to make a pivot, he looked to a trusted source for advice. 

“I talked to my coach about a new video production class opening up – I couldn’t do both [play basketball and take the class]. He told me, ‘The new Kyle is for you to discover who you are and what you are meant to be. If this means going into video production to tell stories, you have everyone’s support. It’s your choice.’ That gave me permission to try new things. It opened up a new pathway for me to explore.”

Building off of his new interest, Kyle would go on to become a Content Producer for the NY Mets, Youtuber Jim Kwik, Lacoste and other brands, giving him a leg up to pursue what would be his next venture.  He met an unlikely friend in 2017, who kicked open the door.

“I went to an AT&T video contest just to network and met an elderly woman from San Francisco that stumbled into the event by accident. She sat down in the theater chairs next to me and said, ‘So what's your story?’ We chatted for a bit and decided to meet up the next day.  She came with a proposal to do the video contest on my story. I agreed, only if we could put all the resources together in a few hours. I called everyone in my network and made it happen. We shot, I edited the video overnight, and out of 50 submissions, I won 1st place.”

From this chance meeting, the seed was planted; Kyle wanted to find a way to serve in the brain injury community, but didn’t know how. He went on to expand #StrokeofGenius, integrating other survivor stories.

The Illustrious Kyle.

“We raised 20k and went cross-country looking for people who had a brain injury and triumphed over tragedy to live happy healthy lives. Coming back from this journey, we noticed all of the people we met and interviewed had a similar way to finding their ‘stroke of genius,’ This inspired a change in our core message to mean:  ‘that moment where you choose how to live the rest of your life.’  We all have that moment, it usually comes up in conversation between yourself, your friends, a family member or a kind stranger at a bar.”


One of his favorite interviews came out of a round-table discussion he held with Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, an author and Harvard-trained neuroanatomist, who at 37 experienced a stroke in the left hemisphere of her brain.

Her book, “My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey,” is a staple in the stroke community and was recommended to me during the time of my recovery.  In it, she chronicles a play-by-play of her mind deteriorating as it’s happening.

Kyle has his hand in a number of spin-off projects stemming from the #StrokeofGenius brand including The Brain Bar Salon – a gathering of like-minded individuals, celebrating people within the brain injury community, and his upcoming mini-doc, “Reborn Decades Apart.”

“We [Ty Hawkins and Cory Weissman] are all one decade apart and played basketball competitively. Ty is 2 years out, Cory is 12 years out, and I am almost 25 years out. We are all around the same age - 30 something. The mini-doc shows a different perspective of stroke recovery through the decades.”

His biggest lesson from all of this?

“Your story about what happened isn’t your story; it’s what you create in your new life. You are going to fail, get knocked down, stumble from defeat to defeat, however, you can create any possibility in your new life after a brain injury.”

You can find Kyle at @shareyourstrokeofgenius on Instagram.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Love, Friends, Family
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Mocha on Weekends
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Everyone else
What Balances You: Playing Street Basketball
Favorite Color: Blue

Mood Music: Wannabe - Spice Girls

Well Hello 2022...

 

Chicago, IL

It’s been a slow tap-in for the kid. Since the pandemic started, ushering in the new year hasn’t quite hit the same. Before I get into an overview of what I have planned for 2022, let’s kick it back to NaNoWriMo [November] 2021:

Yeah, that was a [kind of] bust; I made minimal progress on my book project. Sadly, it was my least productive run. I remember back in 2016 when I started: I was going through a breakup and as a country we were watching a ‘baby Hitler’ emerge but I STILL managed to push numbers. Last year was different. To be honest, a combination of general exhaustion with a sprinkle of ‘distraction’ made it impossible to focus on my goals. It wasn’t completely shot to hell - I did get some editing work completed - but 2021 was both physically and emotionally draining.

Because I didn’t get what I needed to get done for Nano, those goals have shifted their completion dates to Q1/2022.  Two weeks into January and I finally finished piecing together those sample drafts [first 10 pages] and have submitted them to the AWP conference ‘Author to Agent’ program to be reviewed by representatives from five different literary agencies. This was not actually planned – I just happened to see a post on IG in December about it. Their submission fee [in other circumstances, there is no fee to submit] required that I purchase a ticket [in-person or virtual] to the conference in March.  I sincerely hope that someone resonates with the story enough to reach out; it’s one that needs to be told.

Speaking of IG, I took a 3-week hiatus – again, part of the distraction – so I could simply, get shit done.

Don’t judge me! Ha. I don’t have a teapot.

For the first time since 2019, I did my goal board [remember last year? I ain’t even fill her out until, shoot, halfway through 2021]. It looks like Q1 and Q2 are going to be busiest for me in multiple areas of life. There are a lot of decisions to be made and as of now, most of everything is a giant question mark. Ew.

I’m currently in the middle of revising [heavily revising] my book proposal. Even though I have a semi-draft started from when I applied to the Hugo House fellowship in early 2020, it’s still very difficult to edit: I have to rework some chapter structures and review parts of the manuscript itself. It will need to be sent to an independent editor for review – one I have to pay for – and it ain’t cheap. I need a seasoned eyed to to glance over what I’ve come up with and add suggestions to tightened it up. I want to be as prepared as possible for when the time comes for me to go full throttle in the submission stage of this project. I’m following a blueprint I found online a couple years ago and am using my marketing skills from my day job to help me pull it together.

I’ve also been saying this for a while, but I’m actually going to get back to doing survivor interviews – conversations have been had with a few folks. It’s time [for real] to saddle up the horse. I have medium articles to revise, some to start, and a few to submit before March.

I’m hoping to be able to do a little more traveling this year [ugh, covid]. Maybe Minneapolis, Phoenix. Definitely Seattle - I miss my PNW friends and would love to break bread with them in person soon! I’ll take advantage of Chicago spring/summer events, starting from the bottom to build a network – it’s tough, but I’ve done it before. I can do it again. Lord.

Everyone keeps asking, “HAVE YOU MADE ANY FRIENDS YET?!”

I moved here late fall and we’re knee deep into winter so the answer is ‘no. I have not.’

And that’s ok. The alone time is nice.

Mood Music: Me, Myself and I - Beyonce

Back for Nanowrimo 2021.

 

Chicago, IL

It’s been roughly six months – I’ve missed you! I took the summer off of my book project to ‘get it together’ if-you-will.  Last time I wrote, I was at the tail end of an aggressive interview season, tooting my own horn for seven different companies (four to five rounds a piece), answering repetitive questions and participating in writing assignments for free (I will no longer do this, tuh!). It’s difficult for most neurotypical people to tolerate, let alone someone with a processing disorder.

When the rejections started rolling in, I spiraled into a depression.

I snagged this cup at the checkout line in TJ Maxx. They got me.

Straddling the fence between appreciation for the stability and my eagerness to leave having no where to go, left me despondent. I felt stuck.

My desire to pivot out had been long established: I tried to break away for two years but kept getting drop-kicked in the face.

After six ‘nos,’ one organization said ‘yes.’  I gladly accepted.

The industry sector I work in, is competitive. There are many specializations: content marketing, digital marketing, product marketing, email marketing, corporate communications, public relations etc. that often blend together.

It is a very teachable skill - we’re not doctors - but for some reason, other people couldn’t see it for me.

This was not my first rodeo: over the last 10/11 years, I’ve gone through several cycles or ‘sprints’ of interview stages for months on end. I thought I would be able to move within my organization; I thought they would be my ‘home’ company. I clearly thought wrong and grew very bored, tired and restless attempting to try.

Finally coming out from underneath a rock holding a new opportunity for advancement, gave me hope.


Further into to summer, I decided to have my tonsils removed; problems persisted in my throat that needed to be addressed. They had to go – it was a pricy surgery, but worth it.

The healing process took roughly three weeks before I was on to the next task:

“How am I going to get out of Iowa?”

The pandemic brought me back home and although it was wonderful to be among family, reconnect with childhood friends and dive head first into the best relationship of my life (so far), something unseen tugged at my spirit.

I missed the city life and decided to resume my 2019, pre-pandemic game plan to relocate to Chicago.

Needless to say, I’ve been busy. So busy, my book project took a back seat.

Between mid-June and August,  I wrote a few articles to get my feet wet again (you can find them here on my medium page) but the pang from pushing my core project to the side, whispered to me at night.


Nanowrimo is my time to focus. Instead of aiming for the traditional 50,000 words, I have a list of sub-projects to complete in preparation for the larger one – if you have been following me for a while, I’ve likely written about them:

  1. Week One: Blog Updates
    Nurturing my reader base and interviewing survivors is fundamental in supporting this community. These are stories that need to be told. Please stay tuned.

  2. Week Two: Edits My First 10 Pages
    Early in 2021, I submitted the first 10 pages of my book for review to a literary agent – she’s a seasoned vet, well versed in memoir writing. Her guidance and recommendations are necessary for making me a better writer. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to implement any of those changes.  Until now.

  3. Week 3: Polish My Book Proposal
    At the top of 2019, I created submission packet for a fellowship in Seattle that included a book proposal section. The fellowship didn’t land, but I consider it a win regardless.  The proposal just needs some shining.

  4.  Week 4: Just Write
    I have a few article ideas I want to start outlining for my medium page and other publication outlets. It’s time to bring those pieces to life.

In November I return to my purpose: more centered, more grounded, more focused.

Mood Music: Everything in its Right Place - Radiohead

Big Blue and the Motley Crew.

 

Home

I know it’s been awhile – I’ve been working on book edits and interviewing tirelessly for my corporate gig – I can’t tell you how exhausted I am.

A few weeks ago, I submitted the below piece to a literary publication; whether they will consider publishing it, I have no idea. If they do, I’ll make an announcement on where you can find the full excerpt.

Either way, I would like to share a portion of it with you. To give context, this is a short snippet from my memoir entitled, ‘West Seventh.’

In this chapter, I am confronted with the task of “roommate shopping,” stumbling on a motley crew of women in need of a fifth housemate.

My previous living arrangement was set to expire: the family I was staying with, needed their open room back; they were anticipating the return of their overseas daughter, prompting my departure.

The house on West Seventh called “Big Blue,” inherently became the sixth roommate and was the location I lived in at the time of my brain bleed.

I hope you enjoy the read!

*Obviously, names have been changed.

Standing at the corner of West Seventh and Stewart Avenue in St. Paul, I immediately noticed the distinctive personality of my new neighborhood. Modern duplexes were placed next to refurbished Victorian style properties, angling post-World War II, single-family residences. The energy of the community felt erratic, but this would become my last roommate interview before leaving the Sallis’ middle-class, suburban basement; their daughter was set to return from studying abroad and they need their rented room back.

Abnormalities continued to snag the corner of my eye along the walk toward the address listed in my phone: a very pronounced mental health campus. Rusted train tracks through the center of the block. Graffitied traffic signs. Lawns that altered between manicured and untreated. My lips pursed and pushed out a low throttle groan.

The strikingly blue two-story home from the ad, fit right into the noise. Conforming without conforming, she was no ordinary blue, rather, an intense, complex blue. An overwhelming, almost annoying blue. Flattened images on Craigslist underestimated her depth -- the color itself came as no surprise, but in 3D appeared luminous.  I was reminded of the children’s series, “Bear in the Big Blue House,” a taste of late ‘90s nostalgia that aired on Nickelodeon. The TV show featured a giant foamed-stuffed bear who watched over an ensemble of magical characters. Bright colors give me a headache. I fucking hate it and hoped I wouldn’t be greeted by a Muppet. 

Instead, an Amazonian-built blonde woman met me at the screen door.

“Hey! Octavia? I’m Kristin,” she announced, sticking out her hand to shake. 

“Yeah, hey!”

Thrust from a DC Universe, Kristin’s transition into 2012 world unfolded seamlessly: a warm spirit and an honest face. She wore a fitted sports tee, rolled Levi’s and classic white chucks with her hair pulled back - all characteristic of the Midwest’s “super-casual-kind-of-affable” look.

 “Come on in!” 

I took her lead and passed through the enclosed patio deck, stepping into the living room. The outdated interior design suggested the furniture came second, third, maybe fourth hand. This is not uncommon for young homeowners who have a revolving door of tenants. You take what you can get.

An older woman sitting quietly on a steel blue sectional, introduced herself as Ira. Though she was clearly old enough to be any one of our mothers, her petite frame and youthful dress added to the off-center events of the day.  Streaks of pearl played peek-a-boo, weaving in and out of her mid-back length, caramel-colored mane. She had personal style of the early 2000’s – low rise jeans, a chunky double-pronged faux leather belt and a polo – that seemed unusual for a woman of her age.  

Adjacent to Ira, sat Dawn – the early thirties live-in landlord. I was familiar with this brand of mousy, underdeveloped woman before: the throwback 1998 JNCO jeans and dark-rimmed, cheaply framed glasses. At the top of her head, light-brown roots began to sprout, exposing the demarcation between her birth color and a hostile counterculture. Dawn’s asymmetrical bob was layered in a chaotic, unfashionable way.  I later found out about her peculiar obsession with vintage Barbie’s, Japanese knick knacks and Nintendo video games. Shocking.

According to Kristin, the home had been recently renovated, furniture notwithstanding. Dawn and her brother David purchased the fixer-upper after receiving an insurance payout from the death of their absent father.  A remodel to the upstairs formed a three-bedroom, kitchen and bath rental used to help pay off the remaining mortgage and supply a steady stream of supplemental income. David, the younger of the two, decided to pursue his MBA in Maryland, still lending a hand when necessary to his sister.  

It was clear that Kristin would be the mouthpiece of this roommate interview; I barely heard a peep from the others.

Mood Music: Let Go Of My Hand - J. Cole ft. Bas, 6LACK

#beyondthestroke: The Life Coach.

 

Indianapolis, IN

The internet has become an endless collection of information and networking that we have all grown familiar with. I credit LinkedIn as the source of my most recent connection – a woman by the name of Jennifer Chapman reached out when she saw the parallel between us.

I’ve had a handful of people on the professional social media site come forward as survivors: sales leaders, marketers, software developers etc.

I look at them beyond the fancy titles to see their humanity. Their fortitude and victories. Their struggles and tears. I empathize and understand how difficult it can be to navigate a corporate space [or entrepreneurship] in the face of a disability.

How Jennifer was able to make a career pivot after experiencing debilitating brain trauma in 2017, is especially encouraging to those who have similar stories; hers began as any other:

Chapman{headshots}-12.jpg

“As I was leaving the house after getting ready for work, I felt overwhelmingly dizzy and started to sweat profusely. A couple of minutes later, I called my aunt. My voice was changing, and it felt like my throat was closing.  I called 911 and got to the hospital very quickly.  The doctors were not able to diagnose my stroke for the first 10-12 hours; the first doctor just thought it was vertigo.  They finally acknowledged it was a stroke and I stayed in the ICU at the hospital for a week, acute rehab for 10 days and outpatient therapy for four months.”

 She had a clot in three areas of her brain that led to an ischemic stroke. Ischemic strokes are the most common of the stroke types, accounting for over 80% in the U.S. (source).  

For some, they are left with physical impairments; ones that are obvious to the eye - crooked smiles, curved arms, a limp walk, delayed speech - for others, it can be difficult to spot at first glance.

“The clot on the right side has affected my left peripheral vision. The spot in the back on my brain affected my voice, ability to swallow for a short time, and paralyzed a vocal cord – this can affect my ability to take deep breaths depending on what I am doing.  The spot on the left side of my brain, affected my entire right side, leaving me with sensitives to hot and cold.”


Jennifer’s personal road to recovery plan combined four months of physical, occupational and speech therapy on top of many trips to a neuropsychologist and neuro-ophthalmologist for vision concerns.

She would eventually take a step back from her high intensity, seasoned, often stressful sales career as revelations about her life’s purpose moved to the forefront.

“15 months post-stroke after seeing a couple different therapists, I was still not where I wanted to be mentally and emotionally. I hired a life coach for myself and worked with her for several months. The defining moment of finding my purpose and moving forward came from embracing the new version of me.”

Drawing from her own experience, Jennifer decided to branch out into something more fulfilling. Alongside her new work in home healthcare, she developed “Just Commit Coaching,” in 2020 - a life coaching business. Her credentials are currently in progress under the direction of Master Method Coach, Alyssa Nobriga from The Institute of Coaching Mastery.

I saw a similar revelation – it drove me to establish my own space for advocacy to build a community of support on behalf of survivors, particularly for young people with brain injuries.

What Jennifer has found most useful pursuing her coaching certification, is identifying internal roadblocks, acknowledging them, and realizing that those roadblocks exist to protect us.

“I help people figure out how to move through the roadblocks to be more efficient and productive.”

She finds most of her clientele via social media, local networking groups and often referrals who are looking to regain direction, feel discouraged or ‘stuck.’

Her stroke has been a blessing in disguise.

“It has given me tremendous perspective on life: finding gratitude in the small things, not getting swept up in the things that are outside of our control; filling my cup first is priority so that I can then serve others at my highest self. You have to want change bad enough to find and create change.  It is 100% mindset and attitude. Work within yourself to start seeing the results that you want.”

Later this summer, Jennifer will be taking part of a collaboration on inspirational stories and overcoming challenges. She is also a candidate for ‘Impact Woman of the Year’ for the American Heart Association of Indiana – that campaign started in February.

You can find more information on Jennifer and ‘Just Commit Coaching’ on IG @justcommitcoaching.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Freedom
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Chai Tea
Who/What Is Your Motivator: My Mom
What Balances You: Stillness
Favorite Color: Purple

Mood Music: Rise Up - Andra Day

#beyondthestroke: The TV Reporter.

 

Baltimore, Maryland

My parents had a career vision for me.  My mother, especially, saw a path leading toward television reporting. 

Or one becoming an attorney.

“You like arguing.” 

“I don’t want to argue for a living though, mom,” I remember telling her at 17.

I personally couldn’t envision a career in either direction. Luckily for them, a tv production course was required for my degree program. If I chose to continue down that track, my semester would need to be filled with additional production and journalism classes.

I gave it a shot (because I had to) and ultimately determined it was ‘no’ for me. I’m not an on-camera person. I’m more of a “behind-the-scenes” kind of gal. 

Although tv reporting was not my ministry, it was a great fit for former reporter and stroke survivor, Shannel Pearman, who initially had different ideas about what she wanted to be when she grew up.

“I went to college with aspirations of wanting to be a lawyer – that was my dream. It wasn’t until I took a journalism class in college as an elective and fell in love. I decided in that moment I wanted to become a reporter.”

She would go on to join Rutgers University’s tv station and after graduating, hustled to position herself as future reporter, taking various internships at news stations across New York City.

“I worked so hard to get a job as a reporter after college. While there are many exciting things about that line of work, my favorite are the interesting people you get to meet and having the privilege of getting to tell their stories.”

I’m reminded of my own collegiate journey – I had a high school music teacher who heard me singing in a local park. She took me under her wing, gave me vocal lessons and taught me the musical mechanics to strengthen my voice. This preparation led to vocal auditions at Wartburg College where I received a partial music scholarship to sing in the prestigious Meistersinger’s honor choir.

For the both of us, it was one event. One teacher. One class.

“Journalism was a field I never considered, or thought could be a career choice for me. The course ignited a true love for storytelling that I didn’t know I had.”

Shannel spent seven years in the business, recounting harrowing stories like the death of a 7-year-old girl who was shot and killed sitting in the back seat of a car and the murder of Baltimore detective Sean Suiter.

“It wasn’t all doom and gloom – I did a story on a young Carroll County resident who raised donations for Christmas presents to send to those in need and the Baltimore drummers who went viral and have been featured on the Ellen Show numerous times.”


Her life was set to move at a much slower pace with the arrival of motherhood.  In 2019, her son Jayce was born. She experienced a smooth pregnancy up until her final week.

“There were some red flags that were concerning – in a short amount of time I had gotten really swollen, gained a lot of weight and had a rise in blood pressure. I expressed my concerns to my doctor and was assured everything was fine.”

Still uneasy, Shannel went in for testing before being sent home. She was scheduled to be induced that upcoming weekend, but felt anxious that something wasn’t quite right.

“I messaged my doctor asking if there was any way I could be induced sooner - I was already passed 40 weeks at this point. Once again, I was assured I would be ok and that we were going to stick to the planned schedule. I ended up being induced after my expected delivery date. Thankfully, I was able to safely deliver my son via emergency c-section, but my body was clearly not ok.”

One week post-delivery, Shannel would go on to have a cerebral hemorrhage on the right side of her brain, affecting her left side vision. Records indicate that her bleed was due to “postpartum preeclampsia” – a rare hypertensive condition that skyrocket blood pressure and swelling after childbirth, leaving way for a stroke. 

“The signs were there and were ignored.”

All too often, Black women go unheard in the medical community - maternal mortality and injury rates continue to be higher for Black females, irrespective of income or education level (source).

“Inequality comes in many forms for People of Color, both here and abroad, but race-related health disparities are among the starkest and most resistant to progress. Being a Black female further amplifies these inequities, which is particularly troubling and ironic given the fact that Women of Color make up the majority of healthcare workers. Over the last few months, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought this unfortunate reality into even more clear focus, ” says Piraye Beim of endofound.org.


Included in Shannel’s recovery plan are the typical methods of rehab: physical, mental and occupation therapy. Specific to her, a low-vision specialist to help with ocular complications.

I remember going through a similar set of processes after my own bleed. I had a speech therapist to assist with the onset of aphasia – a language impairment brought on by brain damage. 

Shannel.jpg

Motor disorders are not uncommon with survivors. On Shannel’s Instagram feed, I have seen many videos of her interfacing with the audience. Her speech is connected and consistent – you would not be able to tell unless she told you.

“I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am today. Most videos I create come with so much work: they require lots of edits, retakes and a ton of practice, even if the video is a quick 30 second clip. I love to talk, hence the reason I started a career where I spoke for a living, but now I struggle trying to get my point across. Processing information and even finding the right words can be very difficult for me. This was an issue I’ve known about for a long time - finding a medical professional to help me with my speech has been difficult.  During my recovery, everyone’s focus was my vision; no one focused on the cognitive issues that came post-stroke. These are things I’ve been trying to research and navigate. I’m hoping to get professional help in the near future so that I can try to get as close to my pre-stroke self as possible.”

I cannot tell you the number of job interviews I have gone on where my aphasia has disrupted the flow of the meeting. The assumption is that I am ill-prepared or worse, incompetent. It isn’t that I don’t know, but that I am struggling with word placement. This is another reason why written word has become such an asset and release of mine. It is much easier for me to write my thoughts rather than verbalize them.

As Shannel pointed out, it takes a lot of practice to get to a place of confidence with your speech.

“This journey will be a marathon not a sprint. You have to be able to surround yourself with positive, uplifting people that will help you along the way. There will be days that are rough - that’s when you turn to your village. It’s also important to always make yourself a priority; your physical health and mental health are so important. Finding a team of specialists who see you, will listen to you and get you all the help you truly need is valuable. I felt that many of my medical professionals didn’t truly hear me when I would talk or express concerns. After everything that has happened, I know how detrimental that can be. I am now working on finding medical professionals who truly understand the complex nature of being a stroke survivor to make sure I am getting the best care in all areas.”

As far as retuning back to work, Shannel is focused on caring for herself, her family and basketing in the joy of being a new mom. 

“I hope and pray that in time, I will at least be given the opportunity to try to get back out there and do what I love, but for now my biggest project is just recovering and taking care of my son.”

Shannel is an incredible woman with a remarkable story – this Black History Month, we not only honor her professional achievements as an Emmy nominated reporter, but as a survivor.

“Never stop telling your story. It’s an outlet to express yourself - you never know who your story is touching or who you are motivating and inspiring.”

You can find Shannel on IG @ShannelPearman.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Happiness
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Coffee
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Family
What Balances You: Jayce (my son)
Favorite Color: Red

Mood Music: God’s Plan - Drake

2021: Deja Vu.

 

Des Moines, Iowa

I’m not quite there yet.  The dawning of the year usually excites me. I look forward to new opportunities and continued growth. I’m available. I’m ready. I’m curious. I’m eager.

Like most, I start the mental prep work in December, reflecting on the past 12 months – what did I learn? What goals did I accomplish? What could I have done better? 

This year is different: I bite my lip. I shake my head. Hmph. I have running list of things in my mind; a floating docket to actualize in 2021 – most of which are items that fell by the wayside in 2020.

My Work Station.

My Work Station.

They had to – I didn’t have a choice. Situations occurred that prompted me to move quickly and became much more important than what I initially planned.

We’re still in the middle of a pandemic. We’re still politically fatigued and socially askew. I tried my best to get what I could, done and gave the rest up in lieu of peace of mind.

Coming into 2021, I knew it would be more of the same for a while.

We thought - just for a moment - an incoming administration offered hope. It didn’t take long before we moonwalked back to 1940’s Nazi Germany in a way that stifle any glimmer of optimism.

People are truculent and implacable – we saw that the first week of January. It reminds of the 5 of Wands tarot card – everyone fighting to be heard but no one listening.

This post isn’t about the opprobrious details or my thoughts on such; you all know what happened.  It’s about the general malaise lingering in the atmosphere and how I’m attempting to push past it.


I felt ok during the holiday season – being at home with my family, helps. They are a grounding source of comfort. I’m aware of what I have going on [both personally and professionally] and felt motivated to start rolling out pieces in the new year.

I began taking notes here and there, putting the puzzle together. Reading more, doing spurts of research. As always, I aim to continue progress on the book – I made a few strides during Nano and want to reverse and clean it up.

I plan to get parts of the story critiqued by folks who know what they are doing and have the credentials to support their observations.

Blank Board.

Blank Board.

I’m nervous to receive their feedback.  The current version of the book has been a W.I.P. (work in progress) for nearly two years – the project itself, for four.  I welcome the criticism. I need the help – I’m not above it. At. All.

But I’m still nervous.

In terms of the blog – nomadicaffeine – I want to bring you more interviews for the #beyondthestroke series. It was birthed out the pandemic to inspire. Survivors want to read these stories. They are yours. They are ours. I think it’s good, positive and productive for the whole of the community.

The problem is: I haven’t written any of this down. I have a top-of-the-year ritual, started in 2013:

I clean, I purge, I smudge with sage. I create a goal board, broken into quarters.  

Jan - March // April -June // July - September // October - December.

This year I have nothing. My board is blank. It scares me to build a draft – I got screwed last year. We all did. Even in 2021, there is so much that is still unknown.

I think I will attack it differently, using major themes to set my agenda; nothing too specific. I don’t want to give myself hard deadlines. I want to make sure I allow for flexibility.

Tumultuous as it may be, we are in a time of deep transformation.

Buckle up.

Mood Music: Dreamworld - Robin Thicke

 

The 9th Inning: NaNoWriMo 2020

 

Des Moines, Iowa

I was hesitant about participating in Nano this year; 2020 has been, undoubtedly difficult.

Between the pandemic, social uprising, political brawls and general confusion, it was hard to full concentrate using a mind that has been bloated to endless fatigue with news saturation.

My creative impulses hit a wall just as my anxiety levels accelerated. The abrupt shifts that keep happening nationwide [and on a personal/professional level], make it hard to see a future.

CoffeeMugNov.jpg

I’ve settled into my temporary new home, but the reverberation from the summer madness still tickle my ears every now and again. The scramble to get out of Seattle had an impact and has forced me to introspect more deeply about what is to come.

Moving from a super liberal city with stringent COVID protocols, back to a red state whose Governor is “leaving it in the hands of the people,” doesn’t build my confidence as a returning resident – the number of fucks not given is both disheartening and dangerous.

Like most, I’ve been on autopilot heading into the winter, simply trying to get through the day. I noticed many writers are carrying a comparable attitude toward Nano…

 F*ck. I'm just tired. This year has been A LOT.


I remember participating in Nanowrimo during the 2016 election. I was going through a breakup; the fluctuating emotions surrounding those events couldn’t stop me. I pushed through - read about it, here.

I'm doing it again in 2020 for similar reasons - an attempt to about-face that energy into something more productive. It’s not as easy as in the past; I don't have the same amount of vigor, inspiration or drive. I really, really have had to try this time. 

I'm not doing this out of obligation, I’m doing this because it is way to hold myself accountable. Simply put: making progress on my book helps me feel better; of the many things I have no control over, this is the one thing I do. Even if I get out 250 words a day, I'm ok with that. Even if I have to skip a day [or four], that's fine. “As long as it’s something,” I told myself.

For this round, I’m focusing on the years 2014 & 2015 [Chapters 9 & 10 respectively - this may change as I move along and do more editing]. These were damn good years for me – I was curious in my career and motivated in my recovery. I gleaned lot from the people in my circle: everyone was a tool used to understand more about myself.

I was bold and courageous – striking out on my own to attend MeetUp events, networking groups, social clubs, and dance classes. I talk about taking my life back and deciding to [both literally and figuratively] write my own story.

The desire to reflect on something lighthearted and exciting is not lost on me, given our current circumstances. I teared up a bit, reminiscing on the early stages of newfound girlfriends and former admirers. Shook my head at some of the not-so-boss moves I made during certain points of my career. That is ok. You live. You learn.


In the beginning, I created a schedule to adhere to – it didn’t stick. I got wrapped up in the election melee, doom scrolling through social media and the endless commentary on the results. I wondered the possibilities and what this meant. Most of my anxiety was put at ease about a week after CNN made their final call.

Cool.

But then I woke up with a cough and a sore throat - the anxiety crept in again. My body was beginning to fail me in all the right ways, making it harder to concentrate on Nano goals and creativity. I needed to get tested to calm my nerves – luckily, I was cleared of COVID. Thank, God. I can rest easy.

This has been the longest month ever, the longest year ever and quite frankly, I’m glad it’s over [or about to be]. I will sleep for December and see you all in 2021 my friends!

Mood Music: Let’s Take A Ride - Justin Timberlake

Farewell, Seattle.

 

Seattle, WA

I remember the first time I visited Seattle back in February 2017. The idea of leaving Minneapolis was not a new one – I had been contemplating an exit for a few years, but I wasn’t clear on a landing spot.

After my final angiogram at the University of Iowa in spring of 2016, I felt freed enough to put a real plan in place – I would no longer be tethered to this region of the country. Over the summer leading into the fall months, I aggressively interviewed with PetSmart corporate in Phoenix. Twice. The recruiter was convincing; I was looking forward to the dry heat of Arizona

Where The Magic Happens: Pike Place Market, Seattle

Where The Magic Happens: Pike Place Market, Seattle

Nothing happened there. As a result, I took a gig at a software company with a satellite office in Minnesota. It was a strategic move - the option to telecommute opened the door to “location exploration.” The tech giant is headquartered in the heart of downtown Bellevue, WA – a “suburb” of Seattle.

My only references to the Emerald City were Nirvana and the cast of 1998’s “The Real World,” – I was 10 when it aired on MTV.  The opening scene for the show included a shot of the famous fish throwers at Pike Place Market.

Google told me the skies were overcast for most of the year and it rained a lot.

“I can do that – it’s not snow!”

This would be my ticket out of the Midwest. This would be my ticket into corporate marketing.


For my 29th birthday, I decided to book a flight – I wanted to see and feel the energy of Seattle before I made a permanent leap; I’m a calculated risk kind of gal. 

The landscape from above heights in the plane were breathtaking – snow capped mountains, the rigidity of the terrain. The vegetation blossomed as we moved closer to small towns and bigger cities. I’m not an “outdoorsy” person by any stretch, but I can appreciate the beauty and importance of lush greenery and clean air.  

I stayed at the famous Green Tortoise Hostel downtown. The patrons at the hostel were varied; travelers from all over the world passed through to stop and crash for a few nights.

The Green Tortoise staff treated us kindly, putting together tours for those that wanted to get to know the city at a more intimate level. I happily signed up and was given the chance to see the [once] popular and thriving neighborhood of Capitol Hill. Ride the light rail transit for the first time. Pass the Jimmy Hendrix statue in front of Blick Art Materials. Walk through Cal Anderson park. See a live band at the Cha Cha Lounge.  Drink a cheap Rainier Beer. Restaurants, bars, art, music – my Midwestern eyes were overwhelmed by the stimulation.

On the day of my birthday, the sky greyed over with a coat of wetness hitting the ground.  I got up early and walked across the street to Pike Place Market, finding a cozy spot at Storyville Coffee to jot down a journal entry:

2.25.17, Seattle. Happy Birthday!

“Today is my birthday – I can’t believe I made it out here. I can’t believe it’s happening. Seattle. 29. My God – I don’t know how to feel.  I’ve been up since 3:30am. Can’t sleep, my mind is racing. Can I move here? Start over? It’s hilly – driving would be a bitch. That scares me – I’m already a shitty driver. It’s so different here, but still a little familiar. Seattle is like a Minneapolis/Denver hybrid. It’s so far way from everything. I’m starting to get scared.  It’s also expensive here – everyone I meet, confirms the high COL.  

I met a guy last night on Bumble who just so happens to be from Iowa, lol.  The artsy type – he paints. Super liberal, friendly. When I first arrived on Thursday, I met this woman from Canada – she reminds me of [name redacted].  Bleach blonde hair, short, super chill. Great style.

The ambient music in this coffeeshop is fitting for my mood: somber. 29. Twenty-fucking-nine.  I can do this!  The fact of the matter is – I don’t have a choice. [Company Name Redacted] is headquartered, here.  If I want to get into marketing, this is the way to do it! I have to move.”

The skies eventually cleared enough for me to take a solo walk around Downtown, into Belltown. Ensconced between skyscrapers and a two-story Target, I watched crowds of people rush the market on a Saturday afternoon.

Trudging up first avenue on an incline, a chic French breakfast spot caught my eye – the line was long, but I didn’t care. After waiting for 45 minutes, I was let in to be placed at the bar area. An older couple sitting next to me, overheard ramblings with my family over the phone – they wished me “Happy Birthday” and extended a friendly gesture by paying for my food.

Seattle Skyline Featuring The Oh So Famous: Space Needle.

Seattle Skyline Featuring The Oh So Famous: Space Needle.


I came to Seattle with ideas about what wanted to accomplish. My little sister and I road tripped from Minneapolis - I knew no one. When she dropped me off my heart sank, fearful of doing this alone, but opened quickly to the endless possibilities of what could be.

I gave Seattle a good try. I did, but I didn’t accomplish any of my initial goals during my 3-year stay. What I did do, as cheesy as it sounds, is make lifelong friendships. Rediscover self and formulate redirection.

Here’s what I will miss: long nights dancing to 80’s cover bands and 90’s jams.

First Thursday Art Walks in Pioneer Square ▪ Friendsgiving when many of us couldn’t make it home ▪ Seattle coffeeshops ▪ Tinder date recaps with my old roommate and new girlfriends ▪ Metropolitan Market ▪ slow hikes among the countless trails of Washington state ▪ Beacon Hill ▪ my dance studio in Greenlake ▪ beer festivals and farmers markets. The local band scene and sing-along events.

Eccetera.

Circumstances surrounding my departure are sordid, long and ironic. I’ve recounted the story multiple times and don’t feel the need to get into it again.

2020 left its’ mark; the kind of reverberation that will last for a while. In this tense climate, many people have had to adjust and pivot - I am no exception.

The frustration and sadness that I had to leave so soon before planned is still there, but the realization around why it was necessary, is not lost on me.

Sometimes, life comes at you fast. Sometimes you just need to go home.

Mood Music: Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver

#thepivot and the Power of Resiliency.

 

Miami, FL

Where Does Resilience Come From?

I have to sit in the initial trauma (however long it may be) and move through those emotions – whatever they are. I have to mourn a former life. A situation. A relationship. A person.

The process is individualized, taking days, months or years to digest. If you don’t sit in it or with it, whatever it is will likely resurface with a new face.

After I had my cerebral hemorrhage in 2012, I spiraled into a depression. I was at the beginning stages of young adulthood, having graduated from Simpson College into one of the worst recessions in US history.  Although the odds were not in my favor for finding full time professional work - especially in Iowa; the “field of opportunities” were nowhere to be found – I maintained an unshakable fervor and excitement for what was to come.

Recession be damned.

I decided to go back to school and was accepted into the Strategic Communication Management master’s program at Concordia University in St. Paul, MN.  The plan I mapped out included completing the program, killing it at Target corporate in Minneapolis, doing some travel, dating, getting married. Maybe a baby and that’s it. All before 30.

That ship has long sailed.

Don’t cha know at 24, I was ready for my upper-middle class, Minnesotan life to take flight - I had six years to execute. It was simple (probably even basic – most of my peers shared similar plans) but I felt satisfied with the blueprint.

One semester into the program and my cerebral hemorrhage happened.

And when it happens, you never forget.

On occasion, I do that thing that everyone does – parse through the “what ifs:”

“What if I would have finished grad school...” (I dropped).

“What if I would have got that job...”

“What if I never got sick…” (It would have changed my course of direction in life).

When I run through that wheel, I get caught in the past.

While it is great to acknowledge, I don’t have to spend the night.

What Is Resiliency?

It is your ability to adapt in times of stress and trauma.

In my blog series #beyondthestroke, I talk to survivors of cerebral hemorrhages – folks who have experienced what was thought to be, insurmountable brain trauma – and how they have been able to overcome, creating beautiful, fulfilling lives and careers for themselves, despite their injury.

I am eight years post hemorrhage and continue to struggle. The aphasia and (sometimes) delayed speech, the angiograms, the MRIs, the headaches, the slowing of my internal processing speed – these are not blatantly obvious disablements.  For the most part, they are invisible – if you didn’t know, you wouldn’t.

The idea that I will repeatedly have to recalibrate, refocus, shift, bend is not a novel concept. Life (is/can be) challenging and you will get (metaphorically) punched in the arm (or face). A few times. Or have a brain bleed. Or lose a loved one. Or job during a global pandemic.

What my stroke experience has done, is given me resilience. There is no other option.


Chris Dittrich may not have had a stroke, but he is a part of the brain injury community – we share parallels in the recovery process: inpatient/outpatient occupational and physical therapy.  I met him the way I meet most of my brain injury/stroke family: social media.

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Back in 2008, he was involved in a car accident that impacted his left temporal lobe, resulting in paralysis of his right arm and leg. From a cognitive standpoint, he suffered short term memory loss and disinhibition – a pattern of behavior characterized by impulsivity.

Chris was left in a coma for three and half weeks, waking into a vegetative state for another two. I am inspired by his tenacity - finishing high school and going on to complete a degree in finance at the University of Miami. His determination, grit and ultimately the way he adapted to his altered brain – is admirable.

“After graduating from U of Miami with a Bachelor of Science in Finance, I started working for a private hedge fund in South Florida. I had my own office which soon turned out to be the kiss of death. My brain needed more exposure, more things happening in order to stay focused. I was going crazy sitting by myself all day, only speaking to clients on the phone. I quit the job after only a few months and decided to embrace my new brain--one that enjoyed conversation with people, speaking multiple languages and experiencing life.”

Chris studied Mandarin prior to the accident and went on to continue at the undergraduate level.

 “In 2011, only three years after my injury, I chose to go on a study abroad trip to Beijing with a few classmates from my university. After two weeks of touring and walking around more than I was physically able to, I met with my professor and told her that I couldn’t continue with the class. Rather than come home early or follow the class to Shanghai, I chose to stay in Beijing by myself for the additional two weeks of the trip. I worked out a schedule with a private tutor to continue Mandarin language lessons, made new friends and explored the city further at my own pace. By being a bit spontaneous, courageous, and pushing the limit, I had the most fulfilling two weeks that set me up for a future where I knew living abroad was the way.”

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It is interesting to see how different people adjust to their brain in new form; I personally thought I would have a Jason Padgett situation – the man who sustained a traumatic brain injury and came back a mathematical savant. It wasn’t in the cards for me; I’m still terrible with numbers.

His transition into international hotel management after leaving finance began at Florida International University where he obtained his master’s degree in Hospitality Administration.

“My brain really does its best in a changing, exciting environment. Thinking of my original, pre-injury career path of working finance in New York, busting my behind while staying in my own office makes me shiver now. I feast on the opportunity of living in foreign cities, always having to adapt to different cultures and experiences and speaking different languages with people from all over the world.”

For Chris, the new version of his brain helped strengthen his communication and relationship building skills with others, “I can learn bits and pieces of foreign languages, then confidently recite them back out when dealing with international guests, clients and strangers on the street. I suffered from disinhibition, but now, twelve years after my injury, I’ve been able to turn that ‘lack of inhibition’ into an effective ability to approach perfect strangers and start meaningful conversations.”

Since his 2008 accident, he has made considerable progress, but it didn’t come easy or without challenges. In terms of his career, it is the physical difference that made getting through to some of his colleagues, tough. “In the hotel, it was important for me to be up standing, walking around all day. I enjoyed it, and had no real problem with it muscle wise, but undoubtedly, faced trouble from people who perceived me as being weaker.”

Chris takes it in stride, choosing to be upfront when people ask him about it, “I am really proud of myself, so I have nothing to hide. Some people are close minded and assume I am looking for pity when I proudly share my experiences. I can always tell a cool, understanding, mature person vs someone I don’t want to waste my time, by their reaction. The consequences of my brain injury—minus the remaining physical issues—have shaped my career and my life, so I am quick to disclose for the benefit of all.”

What does it take to have and maintain resiliency? I look to my support system – namely my family who immediately came to my rescue from Iowa when news of my hemorrhage trickled down the phone tree; they proceeded to care for me during my 3-month disability stint.

Co-workers rushed me to the hospital, made phone calls to my parents and stayed by my side while we waited for them to arrive. The outpour of support from my small town, 450-person midwestern community - parents of former students, teachers, neighbors, friends – brought food, ran errands, sent texts, calls, cards, prayer and flowers when I arrived safely back in Iowa.

The love was overwhelming but appreciated. Even in my darkest hour, their encouragement kept me going. “A strong support system has been vital for me improving from the beginning, “ says Chris. “My father, in particular, has been with me from day one and fashions himself to be sort of an unpaid patient advocate.”

My father took on a similar role: the day of my stroke, my mother had just been released from the hospital in Iowa after undergoing open heart surgery. She and I were on disability…together.

It was my father and my younger sister who stepped in as our caretakers through rehab, doctors’ appointments and radiation treatment at the University of Iowa Hospitals & Clinics.

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“His patient advocacy has been so important in dealing with doctors, hospitals and all the behind the scenes efforts during my recovery. I learned from him to never become part of the system. By being enthusiastic and standing out, I have received the best care available.”

In the years since, I’ve learned a lot about my own personal strength – developing perseverance and fortitude through shifting mindsets (and a lot of therapy) - in the face of trauma.  I moved back to Minneapolis, then onto Seattle to chase my dreams of becoming a writer and corporate marketing/communications maven; it has been one hell of a ride.

“While all brain injury survivors are unique, the best advice I could give others is to push your limits; be willing to take some risks! Of course, life would be easier for me if I had stayed close to home near to my support system and familiar doctors, but I wouldn’t be experiencing life the same way. I hope that young survivors, or any people struggling with injuries in general, can look at me and see me still fighting, improving after over 12 years. I hope survivors can see that attitude is everything!”

Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, Chris has returned to Miami, but has plans to make it back to his home in Bangkok once the coast is clear. He is currently working to improve his physical self as he recovers from a second surgery to his right hand alongside daily participation in gait training,  “I feel for sure—also evidenced in videos—that I’m walking now the best I have since before my injury in 2008. It’s exciting!”

Like myself, Chris is working on a book about his experience, “from the beginning, I have always been about inspiration through action - my book will tell you about exciting life experiences from all different countries around the world. I hope it can be aspirational, where other survivors can read what I work through and think, ‘hey, if that little guy Chris can do it, I can do it too!’”

You can follow his progress on Instagram @CD_worldwide.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Fulfillment
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Black Coffee
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Progress
What Balances You: Improvement
Favorite Color: Green

Mood Music: Don’t Worry, Be Happy – Bobby McFerrin

#beyondthestroke: Joe, The Podcaster

 

Los Angeles, CA

I love podcasts – I listen to them while I work. While I clean. While I cook. Scroll through my Spotify account and you’ll see a handful of cultural, political, informative and spiritual podcasts, guaranteed to give an eargasm.

The idea of dropping in to hear a conversation, a hot take, to be enlightened or to laugh, appeal to my natural curiosity.

On the hunt for stroke resources, I came across Joe Borges, one of two hosts of The NeuroNerds podcast that has been in production for three years.

Joe has a bald head and an energetic, warm personality; always open to chat with fellow survivors. The thing I’ve noticed about this community of people, is the comradery and kindness.

He and his co-host Lauren started the podcast after meeting at a party, “I was sharing my story and this woman started staring. She came up to me and shared that she suffered a major concussion due to a car accident. Everything I was saying, resonated with her; we were dealing with similar things. We met for coffee and I realized that she was a huge nerd - we came up with the idea of meeting weekly to record a podcast to share our recovery journey. It started as a way for both of us to connect and heal, but turned into something much larger.”

Prior to podcasting, Joe spent his career working as a retail manager and a small business owner. Unfortunately, in the 2008 recession, he lost his business, later transitioning into consulting and music management.

The then, 39 year-old needed a creative way to process his emotions after suffering from his own hemorrhage, “I wasn’t able to go back to the way things were, so I needed to figure out a how to recover mentally – I needed a way to get all of the thoughts and feelings I had inside of me, out. Starting my podcast gave me a platform to share my healing process and move forward.”

Double Espresso With Joe.

Double Espresso With Joe.

Joe’s hemorrhage occurred back in August 2016, while out at a bar. His right basal ganglia ruptured, resulting in left side neglect that, thankfully, only lasted a few days. He still suffers from short term memory issues and tremors in his right hand. Like most, Joe completed a combination of both in and outpatient physical and occupational therapy to help get him back on track. The podcast as a creative outlet helps keep him focused, but it’s not without its’ flubs, “my memory is still the biggest issue for me. With Lauren and I, it’s literally the brain-injured leading the brain-injured. We once thought we recorded an entire episode but forgot to press ‘record.’ Having my girlfriend as the show’s producer has been amazing – she’s not only my caregiver but my handler as well.”

As a survivor myself, I understand the difficulty that come with accepting the new person, new challenges and ultimately, a new reality. The anxiety and onset depression from mourning your former life can attack your core, pushing you more off center. Joe found a way to climb out of the hole, regaining balance.

“I desperately needed a way to share what was going on with me, post-stroke. I was in a new body and mind. My podcast gave me that platform. My stroke gave me a second chance at life. I never really shared anything about myself before - I was always a very private person, but post-stroke, I’m an open book. I feel we all need to share, to educate the world and prevent others from going through what I have. 80% of all strokes can be prevented. My stroke was preventable. If I can help someone from becoming part of my community, all of this is worth it.”

In the times of covid-19 and civil unrest across the country, survivors are often put in a sticky position. Joe is doing his part by spreading a message of hope, particularly for Black survivors who are at the cross section. I was recently a guest on episode 114 of the podcast, discussing my personal experience with the pandemic.

“We do our best to stay current. When major events take place in the world, we take action. My podcast has a continuing series of interviews called Amplify Black Voices; I give Black brain injury survivors a platform to share what it’s like living in the world today.  We also do our best to interview fellow survivors as often as possible to get as many stories out there. Information is so important. Our stories are so important. We’re working to share the most current and best information that we can for the community.”

One of Joe’s favorite episodes is #57 [Emilia Clarke, SameYou.org and Imposter Syndrome Part 2], where the duo discuss the psychological effects that often come after a brain injury and actress Emilia Clarke, most known for her role as Daenerys Targareyen on HBO’s ‘Game of Thrones, ’ who experienced a brain aneurysm a few years back.

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In episodes #40 and 41 [AVM Survivor Thomas Mejia Part 1 & 2] he helps a fellow survivor and close friend open about the struggles of recovery.  In episode #67 [Joe and the Valley Presbyterian Hospital Incident] Joe gets unfiltered about a traumatic hospital incident, resulting in PTSD.

“It’s deep and nothing like our other episodes. Trigger warning to anyone who tunes in.”

I listened to the aforementioned episodes and got teary eyed myself. Even through the tough stuff, Joe remains optimistic:

“Patience was never one of my virtues. I always want to do more. I was able to stand, now I want to walk. I’m walking, now I want to run. My outpatient therapist told me, after I continued to push, that I was going to harm myself. That I needed to gain patience. He said the one thing that really changed my recovery to that point: ‘you have to be patient or you will forever be a patient.’  I never wanted to go back to the hospital again, so I worked so hard at being patient. It was the best advice I could have ever gotten. I’m here and functional because of it.”

His therapist is right – it takes time to heal. Impatience, especially in the beginning, can be detrimental and often leads to harsh setbacks; it’s one of the lessons I had to learn the hard way in my own recovery.

“Life beyond stroke can be what you make it. We have been given a gift that most will never get: a second chance to live. We didn’t get that second chance to do the same things we did before. To stress and worry. To be angry and bitter. We survived to live. Life can still be difficult, but no matter how hard it gets, we are here. We made it. We are blessed enough to be here to experience it. Now it’s time for us to live. Truly live.”

Joe is currently working on creating the NeuroNerd Network:  a place for brain injury survivors to connect.

I am happy that I was able to find him – his presence, strength and enthusiasm for life is needed in survivor community.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success:  Waking up healthy, happy and content
Coffee or Tea: Double espresso
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Life & my community
What Balances You: Mediation
Favorite Color: Pink

You can check the out TheNeuroNerds Podcast on your favorite streaming service or at TheNeuroNerds.com. Follow Joe on IG @joesorocks

Mood Music: Otis – Jay Z, Kanye West ft. Otis Redding

Where Do We Go From Here?

 

Home: Seattle, WA

The ugliness finally came to a head in the post-Obama era: the popped zit and nasty sludge on the face of America is out in the open.  A combination of fear, anger and frustration are now front and center.

I’m not going to do an intensive deep dive analysis of everything going on; the entire world is watching our country as it implodes. If you are here, you are already aware.

The right combination of COVID, the economic fallout of a quarantine, the lack of leadership and uncertainty, sprinkled with deliberate injustice – a filmed, “snuff” video that saw a police officer in Minneapolis arresting a man using brute force, kneeling on his neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds – lit the fuse.

Enough is enough.

The Bad:

I previously spoke about COVID and its’ effect on survivors. The anxiety that it may cut closer to home, left me on edge; I was desperately praying it wouldn’t.

Iowa was one of the handful of states that resisted a full shut down.  I saw many of my former schoolhouse peers expressing concern with Gov. Reynolds COVID management or lack thereof.  

I come from a working-class background – most of my tribe would be considered “essential employees,” and either stood on the front lines or were furloughed. They don’t have the luxury of working from home.

Black people, working class and poor folk are on the battleground in the service industry and manufacturing. Stocking your shelves, checking your pulse, delivering your food items or Amazon orders. Building your tires, processing your meats, serving your food, providing you with live entertainment.

With increased exposure, I knew it was inevitable; the insidious respiratory disease found its’ way into my family. COVID has the propensity to trigger any underlying health issues – and unfortunately, it did.

As such, the past couple of weeks have been incredibly gut-wrenching, stressful, confusing and terrifying. I am 1,700 miles away in Seattle; it’s not so easy to hop on a plane given our current climate and my own health concerns.

I received the news mid-May. It is now June and my parents are in a stabilized place and doing well but I think about the subsequent effects:  what happens after they are cleared? What are the rates of re-infection?  Is my family “safe” now? Are we going to send them back into the petri dish? They are 56 and 62, respectively.

We are far from the wealth that could, at least partly, protect us and neither of them can afford to retire early. They have to work. I am frightened and rightly so. Without adequate, dependable leadership at the top, where do we go from here?

Americans are hopeless, depressed, no jobs, no money and my family, in particular is vulnerable: African American, over 50 with latent health concerns, which lead me to…

The Ugly: The World Is On Fire.

The murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis set off a storm of protests across the country, spiraling worldwide. This was not an isolated event – Black people have experienced the injustices and brutality of the police for years on end. Modern policing in this country’s southern states, manifested as a “slave patrol,” catching runaways to return to their “owners.”

We have always had a contentious relationship with law enforcement, however, this incident felt different.

What happened to George Floyd came on the heels of the death of Ahmaud Arbery, the young man shot while jogging and Breonna Taylor who was unlawfully shot in her home, as she slept.

There are countless others.

In the midst of a global pandemic, we rise, putting our lives at risk to express our fury.

Minneapolis, a city I lived in for 5 years, came through with a ‘one-two punch’ and I was proud to see it.

I heard complaints – people pushing back about the looting and rioting, concerned for buildings and things over bodies, “why can’t you do this peacefully?”

We have. It didn’t work. You are not hearing us.  Sometimes you have to do extreme shit to be seen.

A viral interview with author Kimberly Jones, breaks down the economic disparities that lead to the civil unrest. Looting and stealing are threaded throughout the fabric of America – did we conveniently forget how we got here?

The stress of being Black in a country that was not built for us to thrive.

The stress of having to fear for your life if someone erroneously calls the cops.

Job opportunities lost because of the hiring manager’s implicit bias.

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Career advancement halted and given to someone with comparable or less experience.

Our ideas and bodies stolen and put on white faces because it’s more “palatable to the masses.”

Children not allowed to be children and instead viewed as adults.

High maternal mortality rates.

Food deserts. Red Lining. The list goes on. All of this is systemic racism and contributes to hypertension, heart disease and other ailments hastening an early and often death.

This is not something Black people can fix – we did not create the system.

What’s Coming:

Solidarity from the other side – I see the wave of protests filled with hundreds of White people and others. Corporations announcing their support of the Black community; I’m unsure of its’ authenticity – I sincerely hope and pray it is and that this isn’t something “trendy” people are hopping on because it’s good for their brand. Or worse: to placate.

My life is not trend. My safety is not a trend. My value is not a trend.

Yes, some of us are skeptical – we’ve had our hears broken time after time by this countries lies and quite honestly, bullshit. We’ve been in a physically, mentally, emotionally and financially abusive relationship with the United States since the moment we got here.

I’ll leave you with a quote from Amanda Seales – a cultural commentator, actor and comedian:

“We didn’t ask for solidarity, we didn’t ask for a Juneteeth holiday, we ask for legislation, we ask for you guys [white people] to make spaces in your financial realm to for actual growth. Animals evolve by learning what works and what doesn’t for their survival. In the world and its history of civilization…it has proven that it is best for Black folks’ survival to not simply just trust white words. We have seen so many times those words twisted and manipulated for the elevation of whiteness.”

Don’t just talk about it. BE about it.

Instead of mood music I’m linking a 1960 interview between James Baldwin & Nathan Cohen.

Resources For Donation:

Research local initiatives in your community to help defund the police.

Books To Read That Have Been Circulating [FYI - I’ve personally read them all]:

  • “White Fragility” Robin DiAngelo

  • “So You Want To Talk About Race”  Ijeoma Oluo

  • “The New Jim Crow” Michelle Alexander

And lastly, this is a big election year – please, get out and vote.

#beyondthestroke: Bridget, The Photographer.

 

Tucson, Arizona

The COVID quarantine has given me space to evaluate the ways in which I connect with other survivors. I was prompted to start a new series called #beyondthestroke; interviews featuring young women and men who have persevered through a brain injury, moving to forward to create interesting careers and fulfilling lives for themselves.

We are more than our strokes.

I met Bridget, a Photographer out of Tucson, via Instagram some odd months ago – we bonded over our shared experience as young survivors of cerebral hemorrhages. She has a playful personality; followers open a window into her universe: Bridget the Mother. Bridget the Survivor. Bridget the Photographer.  Her enthusiasm for the latter is mirrored in her collage work - exploring different shapes, colors and textures - sometimes using her kids as inspiration.

Under the Tucson Sun.

Under the Tucson Sun.

At the center of Bridget’s business is Boudoir – a sensual style of photography that aim to celebrate the beauty of women’s bodies. The word “Boudoir” is French meaning ‘a lady’s private dressing room.’

Such a sexy style of photography, juxtaposed against nurturing displays of motherhood, unwrap the competing layers that women often deal with – she addresses this in a recent Instagram post, “I am going to start posting my Boudoir work here. I should have done this long ago, but I was like ‘oh I can’t, someone will get offended.’ I am choosing to let go of the fear and choosing my happiness instead.”

I was curious to learn about her shift into photography and how the bleed opened a pathway to recognizing a new passion. Like myself, Bridget had an AVM rupture in her mid-twenties, “I was two miles into one of my favorite hiking trails with my daughter when it happened.”

The rupture occurred in her cerebellum, the part of the brain controlling balance and motor activities. She talks about the beginning of her photography journey shortly after her hemorrhage, using it to retain precious moments with her children.

“About a month after my stroke, my husband and I took my daughter out trick-or-treating - I woke up the next morning and realized that I couldn’t remember what she dressed up as, what candy she got, or which houses we went to. It made me sad to know my brain was now broken and I might miss out on those memories with my kids. I started taking pictures of everything, almost like a ‘backup hard drive’ for my broken brain.”

One of the more difficult parts of recovery is having to relearn basic proficiencies. Depending on the severity of the bleed - walking, talking, reading and life skills can be struggle.  Bridget taught herself how to navigate around a Canon T6i using resources like YouTube, but adding the task of mastering photography on top of stroke recovery, present more challenges.

“Learning how to use my camera was tough. Processing new information so early in my recovery was next to impossible. I would get frustrated with myself very easily; I view the world in a different way than most. Photography is about finding beauty and art in situations or moments that you wouldn’t normally see. My stroke rewired my brain to view the world in that way. Now, it’s just all about snapping that photo so the rest of the world can view it as that too!”

Finding the beauty in the madness as a form of self-expression, require a high level of creativity and confidence; Bridget constantly bucks the tradition with her photography.

“I thought it had “rules” in the beginning. I thought my photos needed to look a certain way. I convinced myself that my work had to resemble what my favorite photographers were doing. I had to teach myself how to trust my vision as an artist, and once I came out of my shell and did that… the magic started happening.”

Her brush with death reframed her outlook, “I’ve put blinders up to most negativity. I don’t focus on it – it doesn’t tear me down and get inside my mind. All I know now is to keep creating and making art that I love.”

I asked her about the creative process behind her photos and how she prepares both herself and clients for a shoot:

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“Most clients have never had a Boudoir session and are extremely nervous. When it comes to my Boudoir work, I try and go over every single step of the session with them: how they will be posed, what I am looking at or what light I want to be able to catch in their hair. My clients are also my muse. I really soak in their vibes the second they walk in. When I am bombarded with all of the magical ideas in my mind, it’s tough to think of the right words to say or describe what I am thinking. Most of my clients find me through IG and are aware of my brain injury. They are aware of my unusual tendencies and the way I create. I am thankful for that.”

She shared a few stores with me about specific client sessions that stood out, highlighting the impact of working with women survivors of all kind.

“A woman came in for a session three weeks prior to getting a double mastectomy. I am all about loving your body at every single stage of your life and the fact that she trusted me to document that for her, was everything. Another was a stroke survivor: it was beyond rewarding for me.  After a stroke you become a “new version” of yourself. I didn’t like “the new me” for a very long time. I would take photos of other women who were beautiful, but I didn’t think of myself that way. Once I got behind my own lens and saw myself how the “photographer” in me would see me, it was a game changer. Being able to provide another stroke survivor with that view, was indescribable.”

Bridget’s story reminds me of something I read long ago: one of the ways to build confidence is by authentically giving to others.  Feelings of accomplishment from offering direct, positive impact – in her case, letting clients view themselves in the way she does – by extension, increase self-esteem.

Her advice to those coming out of post-stroke recovery: “Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself.”

Bridget is currently taking a break from her regular studio work due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. “I’ve been getting creative and doing different styles of shoots to feed my soul for myself. I like the direction it is taking me, and I can’t wait to see what comes out of it!”

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Happiness
Coffee or Tea: Green Tea Latte
Who/What Is Your Motivation: My Children
What Balances You: Hiking
Favorite Color: Pink

You can catch up with Bridget on IG @bridgetclarice

Mood Music: Bright Eyes – Bowl of Oranges

Socially Distant.

 

Home, Seattle, WA

* COVID-19 has put a damper on my coffee crashing. I’m social distancing by drinking my coffee from the comfort [and safety] of my home.

Although I am in Seattle [the original US hotbed of the respiratory illness], my family lives over 1,300 miles away in the Midwest. Unfortunately, I was unable to get home before the spread started; I would have loved to be with my parents who are embedded in a rural community.

At the time of posting, the virus has not impacted that part of the country in the way it has coastal cities, but I am still anxious; it’s only a matter of time.  Apparently, their strategy is more reactive than proactive - Iowa is one of 5 states that still do not have a “Stay At Home,” statewide order in place.

Me And My Lone Coffee

Me And My Lone Coffee

My family primarily works in the service industry where they either a) have continual contact with the public b) work in manufacturing in close quarters with other people – without a supreme sense of urgency, “loosely enforcing” folks to social distance, fall on deaf ears.  Some are doing it, most are not.

All three of my immediate family members belong to the high-risk health category for a number of reasons, so yes, I’m a little scared. Be that as it may, the privilege I have in this situation is not lost on me – I’m not struggling financially, I can pay the rent and still maintain the ability to shield myself from increased exposure.

My experience as a 3-year telecommuter has, in essence, “prepared” me for this moment. I have the tools to work both comfortably and successfully beyond the brick-and-mortar.

The personal adjustments come from having to deal with someone else in the home, simultaneously – I’m used to being alone during the day; there has been a disruption to my normal routine that has taken time to get used to.

I’m certainly not alone: a lot of people are dealing with spouses and children in shared spaces. It’s annoying at best and incredibly frustrating at worst. Then there are the jobs, lost. People have mouths to feed and bills to pay. The economy is crashing. Folks are tired, restless and stir crazy. We don’t know who to believe, who to blame.

When does it all end?  Seattle has a date to “open,” but does that really mean anything?  And what will stepping out in the world look like after  Corona?

Listen, I’m an introverted hermit – I can entertain myself for hours on end, but this is a lot, even for me.  I miss my friends, going to live show events, dinner and happy hours, taking in-person dance classes, working out [at a gym] etc.

We all feel the burden in varied degrees.


I belong to several stroke support groups on Facebook – when COVID concerns took off toward the beginning of March, many wondered how it would affect those of us who had gone through a brain hemorrhage.

Looking to the American Heart Association / American Stroke Association as trusted resource for stroke related information, most if not every article I found, pointed back to their website.

The American Stroke Associate has a Podcast episode on Stroke & COVID featuring Christopher Ewing, a Stroke Survivor living in California and Dr. Mitchell, S.V. Elkind, MD a Neurologist and stroke expert. The both of them shed light on a couple of concerns for us:

Interviewer: Dr. Elkin, are stroke survivors like Christopher at increased risk of getting the Covid-19 virus?

Dr. Mitchell Elkin: Yes. It seems like that's the case. Reports from China indicate that patients with heart disease and high blood pressure as well as the elderly are at higher risk of this virus, of Covid-19. And we think the same is likely to be true for patients with stroke. Probably because there's a lot of overlap between heart disease, high blood pressure, and stroke, so that's why it's especially important for people who are more vulnerable, like older patients or people with heart disease and stroke to practice physical distancing and hand washing and the avoidance of unnecessary interaction with other people who may be exposed, which is I think the kinds of experiences that Chris was just telling us about, when he went shopping and things like that. Unfortunately, it does look like there is some increased risk. We don't know exactly how much yet. We need to do more research particularly here in the United States.

Interviewer: If stroke patients do get infected, are they at a greater risk of experiencing more complications?

Dr. Mitchell Elkin: That also does seem to be the case. People who have underlying heart disease and stroke do seem to have a higher risk of complications. This may be because of an increased susceptibility to the virus, it could also be that the body in somebody who has had heart disease or stroke has less what we would call physiological reserve or the ability to handle any kind of illness. So a severe illness can make things worse. It's the same kind of thing that we've seen for many years with diseases like the flu, so that's why, for example, The American Heart Association and American Stroke Association have been recommending for many years that people who have heart disease and stroke get vaccinated against the flu. Unfortunately, of course, we don't have a vaccine for Covid yet, but the same kind of issue would likely apply.


I have a regular rotation of culture commentary podcasts that I listen to, each throwing in their 2 cents. Beside incompetent, unprepared leadership [fish rots from the head, no?] what is the more spiritual representation of everything going on?

Some believe that the world needed to stop: we were moving too much, too fast, too hard. The earth continues to rot – WE are the disease, destroying her with our negligent air pollution and other forms of poison.

Earthlings were given multiple warnings through increased natural disasters - we still weren’t compelled enough to change, entirely. The universe decided enough was enough and here we are.

When we return to walk the land, we can’t go back to how it was. We just can’t.

I don’t like the idea of telling people what to do in their time of quarantine: we’re in the middle of a crisis – everyone is going to handle it, differently.

But what does it bring up for you to be still? This is my world. There are many days after work I spend drinking wine and thinking. Eating edibles and Netflixing. Yoga. Chatting with my folks, wishing I was there. Other days I have ideas. Some days I put those ideas into motion – depends on my energy level and mood. Revising my [written] work, prepping for a fellowship [post on that later], social media management.

You can be productive, you can not be productive.

Do whatever will cause the least amount of harm…to you.

Stay safe out there.

Mood Music: What’s Going On? - Marvin Gaye

March Madness.

 

Fresh Flours

It’s March! Can you believe it?  The onset of 2020 has been productive in terms of writing; to briefly recap:  January into mid-February, I knocked out around 15,000 words, completing Part One of my story. During the last two weeks of February, I took a break to celebrate my birthday and relax.

Sidebar: my mother advised me that I should not have stopped my momentum, ha.

A little bit of construction never hurt nobody.

A little bit of construction never hurt nobody.

The kid was drained. Writing a memoir is exhausting - I cried a lot of tears, mentally click-clacking back through 2011 and 2012.

I turned 32.

It’s not a milestone year - I’m not making a big deal of it - but yeah, I’m a little bit older and hopefully a tiny bit wiser.

The improvement I continue to make is not a total surprise: the high of the new year is often a big push, propelling me forward into karate kicking the goals I’ve set. Most people feel similarly.

It’s keeping those goals at the forefront, year-round, that seem to be the hard part.

I find it helpful to create new habits – small things that I do daily or weekly that help in moving me toward my overall goal.

I use my insomnia as launching point:  oftentimes, I wake up at 4:00am, 5:00am – instead of laying in bed, staring at the wall like I normally would, I get up to start my day. I might do a quick yoga routine via YouTube, shower, make a pot of coffee and write some before work. I will typically block out an hour and a half before signing in, and chunk up to two additional hours after work depending on what I have planned in the evening: dance class, friends, cooking etc.

(Note: this works for me because I work from home).

I manage between 500 - 1000 words per day and feel pretty damn good about it.

On Saturday mornings, I get up between 6:00 - 7:00am, start my usual pot of coffee and write until around 10:00 – 11:00am.  I stop for a lunch break or a brain rest and start my second session around 2:00pm, going for another hour or so.

Sunday’s I keep for myself as a general “catch up” day: hair wash, grocery shopping etc.

I’m super excited about the structure that I’ve been able to put into place for the story: the way I’m organizing the narrative makes it fluid to write. Everything – as is true for memoirs – is in chronological order.

I’ve divided the events into parts:

  • Part 1

  • Part 2

  • Part 3

There are certain elements of the story that I have left to finish for the end [as in, I will finish it during the editing process]. I keep it open because a) it needs further/intensive research –

When I start getting into the particulars of my stroke [the medical minutiae involved] I have to dig through a lot of my own documentation. I want to make sure I am using the correct terms, analysis and such.

The time for digging through that is not now – there are boxes upon boxes of paperwork in my closet when I’m ready.

I want to get the story out in full and fill in those details, later.

b) whatever I’m writing may be too heavy for me to process and ultimately interrupts the flow in a way that is disruptive to my creativity.

In those instances – there aren’t many in part one – I still need to work through them.

When I say that, I mean, I have to run it past my therapist. Writing helps, but so does she.

As of now, I’m moving around in Part Two. I created chapter outlines before my two-week break and have constructed a road map to follow. Chapters 6 - 12 are gritty, so I decided to start writing some of the more lighthearted fluff that begins in chapter 8.  I’ll back it up to 6 and 7 when I’m finished, diving into relationship rigmarole thereafter.

Coffee_Fresh Flours.jpg

The dating stories I have to tell are edifying, depressing, sexy, heartbreaking, interesting and fun.  I had a very robust dating experience in Minneapolis and although every involvement cannot and will not be present in the book - only the ones of true impact and relevancy, especially since the book itself is not solely focused on my dating life - I think it’s important to  discuss the challenges that come from dating with a disability in your 20’s.

Spoiler: it makes you much more vulnerable.

The end of March signals the end of first quarter: with that, I can honestly say, I am very proud of the progress I’ve made and can’t wait to rev up for quarter two!

Mood Music: Hungry - Fergie Ft. Rick Ross