2021: Deja Vu.

 

Des Moines, Iowa

I’m not quite there yet.  The dawning of the year usually excites me. I look forward to new opportunities and continued growth. I’m available. I’m ready. I’m curious. I’m eager.

Like most, I start the mental prep work in December, reflecting on the past 12 months – what did I learn? What goals did I accomplish? What could I have done better? 

This year is different: I bite my lip. I shake my head. Hmph. I have running list of things in my mind; a floating docket to actualize in 2021 – most of which are items that fell by the wayside in 2020.

My Work Station.

They had to – I didn’t have a choice. Situations occurred that prompted me to move quickly and became much more important than what I initially planned.

We’re still in the middle of a pandemic. We’re still politically fatigued and socially askew. I tried my best to get what I could, done and gave the rest up in lieu of peace of mind.

Coming into 2021, I knew it would be more of the same for a while.

We thought - just for a moment - an incoming administration offered hope. It didn’t take long before we moonwalked back to 1940’s Nazi Germany in a way that stifle any glimmer of optimism.

People are truculent and implacable – we saw that the first week of January. It reminds of the 5 of Wands tarot card – everyone fighting to be heard but no one listening.

This post isn’t about the opprobrious details or my thoughts on such; you all know what happened.  It’s about the general malaise lingering in the atmosphere and how I’m attempting to push past it.

---

I felt ok during the holiday season – being at home with my family, helps. They are a grounding source of comfort. I’m aware of what I have going on [both personally and professionally] and felt motivated to start rolling out pieces in the new year.

I began taking notes here and there, putting the puzzle together. Reading more, doing spurts of research. As always, I aim to continue progress on the book – I made a few strides during Nano and want to reverse and clean it up.

I plan to get parts of the story critiqued by folks who know what they are doing and have the credentials to support their observations.

Blank Board.

I’m nervous to receive their feedback.  The current version of the book has been a W.I.P. (work in progress) for nearly two years – the project itself, for four.  I welcome the criticism. I need the help – I’m not above it. At. All.

But I’m still nervous.

In terms of the blog – nomadicaffeine – I want to bring you more interviews for the #beyondthestroke series. It was birthed out the pandemic to inspire. Survivors want to read these stories. They are yours. They are ours. I think it’s good, positive and productive for the whole of the community.

The problem is: I haven’t written any of this down. I have a top-of-the-year ritual, started in 2013:

I clean, I purge, I smudge with sage. I create a goal board, broken into quarters.  

Jan - March // April -June // July - September // October - December.

This year I have nothing. My board is blank. It scares me to build a draft – I got screwed last year. We all did. Even in 2021, there is so much that is still unknown.

I think I will attack it differently, using major themes to set my agenda; nothing too specific. I don’t want to give myself hard deadlines. I want to make sure I allow for flexibility.

Tumultuous as it may be, we are in a time of deep transformation.

Buckle up.

Mood Music: Dreamworld - Robin Thicke

Honesty Is The Best Policy.

 

Tin Umbrella Coffee

Inside: Tin Umbrella. Came Thru Drippin'. [Definitely a Cardi B reference. Ha].

I’ve had so many drafts of this blog post ready to go - at least 2 or 3 - before I decided to scrap them. Truth be told, the coffee shop listed is one I visited a few weeks ago; I was going to use it for my August 15th post that never happened. Whomp, whomp.

Since I skipped the month of August, I decided to give you September's post a little bit early :)

This summer has been a massive question mark as I’ve been in an organizing kind of mode, trying to get my life together – particularly after the rigmarole of The Move.

Figuring out a sustainable work/life balance, family, self-care, attempting to have a social life and dating here and there is quite exhausting. I can confidently say, that once again, my energy is scattered.

And yeah, that dating thing? Don’t even get me started…

…whoo chile…

I had a better time in the Midwest. Most of those boys run a tight ship [they take it more seriously] and their game is much smoother; they even come with manners. Polite sons-of-bitches.

Out here, there are  certainly more pieces of candy to choose from – the expensive, vegan or dairy free kind, that is – and those options exist on both sides. This city is ripe with crunchy granola's who went to fancy universities, have multiple degrees and have been coding since the age of 4. It’s literally the devil’s playground for the sheepish nerds [the cute ones] who couldn’t get laid in high school.  Lots of money to make, even more to blow.

It’s a bit overwhelming for a person like myself; I’m not so used to the flakiness and general apathy of the people I come across. Yeesh!

But anyway, this is not a dating post.

One win:

Amid all of the hubbub, I discovered a chicken chain that I really enjoy! I have been frequenting their establishment more than I probably should.

Hey, a win is a win…

To offset my shitty eating habits, I hired a Personal Trainer.

...until it’s not.

My wallet cries, but this body will be snatched.

Meet Micke: My Desk. 

Now that summer is ending, I think I’ll have more time to focus. I’m making it my business to focus. We’re going to finish out 2018 strong.

I have [finally] constructed a writing space for myself: I discovered that writing in my bed is…unproductive. I used to revel in the fact that I could lay in bed with a bag of Doritos, Vh1 in the background and pound out my stories. My bed was my safe space to create.

8 years later, meh. Not so much. When I get in bed, I want to sleep. Or have sex. But mostly sleep.

The benefit is 2-fold: I also needed a space to work. Like, 9-5 work. Working from the kitchen table becomes an arduous, somewhat annoying task when you have to set up and break down every damn day. Ugh.

So, I bought a desk straight from Ikea. It’s cheap. It’s cute. It gets the job done. I didn’t have space in my car to purchase directly from the store, so I ordered it online and had it delivered.

She came and I was thrilled at the idea of putting this fucker together. I had my podcast picked out, tools ready to go, coffee in hand..

I am woman, hear me roar!

...until Ikea decided to jip me out of a handful of pieces.

I ended up making an impromptu trip to the giant retailer, arriving early in an effort to miss the crowd. Ta! This girl spent about 45 minutes running through the horde of young families and their annoying children to find a bundle of “close-enough” pieces that would help complete the project. 

All-in-all, it took most of the afternoon [and 3 episodes of the Flagrant 2 podcast] to get the desk set up. But I did. Boo-Yow.  Now I just roll out of bed, shower, start the coffee, and get straight to it.

The next couple of posts will be a deep dive into my favorite chapters from Mary Karr’s, “The Art of Memoir” – I’m finding it to be incredibly helpful in my writing journey. It was recommended by someone on Twitter. During one of my Amazon excursions, I said “fuck it” and threw it in the cart along with a random assortment of beauty products [I’m trying out a new skin care regime].  

There is a very short, 2-page chapter called, “On Finding the Nature of Your Talent” [p.101] . You can’t fake the funk when you’re writing a memoir – it requires an enormous amount of honesty with oneself.

[Hence my use of very good Therapist and why I find it so important].

It requires authenticity – your readers will know, you will know, if you’re being a poser. [Haven’t heard that word in a while, huh?].

Self-knowledge and ownership are key. Lean wit it // Rock wit it. Or Lean In – whatever. Own it. And be brave enough to share it.

If you’re trying to come to the table with a fake-ass version of who you think you are, it will read as disingenuous. You’ll lose sight of your own story, trying to control the image.

Karr asks these questions [p.102]:

1. What do people usually like and dislike about you? You should reflect both aspects in your pages.
2. How do you want to be perceived and in what ways have you been false or posed as other than who you are?
3. Is there a verbal signpost you can look for that suggests you’re posturing?

 In short: how are you trying to appear? The author of a lasting memoir manages to power past the initial defense, digging past the false self to where the truer one waits to tell the more complicated story.

 With a glass of wine in hand, here we go:

1. Like: I am empathetic [for the most part]. I laugh a lot. Fun. I have a big heart.  Dislike: irritable, shut down, judgmental, too emotional, negative, contrarian.
2. Confident in my abilities, smart, dynamic individual // Sometimes, I can be a know-it-all and full of resentment.
3.  ????

I can answer questions 1 & 2 [can’t give away my secrets with #3].

Maybe it’s time to #levelup and make a change. We'll see. 

Mood Music: Feels Like Summer - Childish Gambino

Slow and [Not So] Steady.

 

Victrola Coffee Roasters

Can't lie. 

I've had a rough start to the New Year; it doesn't quite feel new – you know what I mean?

There’s nothing “fresh” about 2018… yet. Maybe my New Year starts in February?  January has been kind of…meh, honestly.

This consistency thing is a lot harder than I thought.  Although, I have been able to consistently get my ass in the gym, writing is something of another beast. 

I'm mentally tired - no excuses though.

At some point in February, I will begin to slowly dive back into the novel. We [who is 'we?'] are going to hit 200 words every [other] day [or so] - we'll see.

Part of the problem is that I'm  thinking about taking the book in a new direction, but I'm not sure if I should… which puts me  in a place of stagnation.

Erg. 

I hate that place. 

What I will say, is that I have been much more active on social [although in one of the articles I’m about to share, taking a break comes highly recommended]. 

I’m not the biggest social media fan, but I’ve been pretty good [by my own standards] at "creating engagement" [via Instagram]. 

Tons and tons of pictures. And coffee. And Costa Rica!

Twitter is a little different: I never have anything to say. What I do say,  I say it to you in this blog.

I’m going to have to figure a way around that.

In the meantime, I scoured the in-tah-netz for useful tips on New Years Resolutions for us creative types:  17 News Year's Resolutions for Writers was written a few  years ago by author Jeff Goins, but hey: still relevant.

Boo-yow.

A few of the suggested that stuck out:

12. Break a rule.

Write in an unusual voice or depart from a norm. Stop using commas. Get rid of all adverbs. Do something that causes others, maybe even yourself, to feel uncomfortable.

7. Do your research.

It’s not enough to just “write what you know.” You have to expand what you know. Read a book or two, for crying out loud. Don’t merely pontificate. 

Jesus – the one that hits hard:

6. Write when you don’t feel like it.

Professional writers don’t just write when inspiration strikes them. They offer themselves no excuses and do the work, no matter what. You need to do the same. Show up every day, without fail, as often as you can.

I am on the struggle train, hoping to get off soon – it’s hard out there for a pimp. Goin’s is right: no excuses! A lot of what he proposes, are common notions that most writer’s are aware of – a little refresher never did any harm though!

It’s good to have these ideas reiterated…until it sticks.

Penguin Random House had something more my speed and less daunting:

Their simple list sounds quite familiar:

2. Meet other Authors

Yep. Gotcha.

4. Try something new.

This new direction maybe? Harhmmmmm?

5. Improve your social media skills.

On it. *Pats self on Back* Atta girl.

Time to deactivate my OkCupid account. Ain’t nobody got time for distractions;  I keep getting stuck with single dads' and guys who are 5’5 named Jan. Ugh.

(The hotties don't come out until April, anyway!)

Mood Music: Everything is Everything - Lauryn Hill

...and, Scene!

 

Cafe Javasti

I took my own advice [again] and started somewhere in the biddle.

I wanted to flesh out a bar scene I had been working through, based on true events. 

The realism came from tapping into those old memories:

[Summer 2012 - Bloomington, MN:  My time in the basement of the Craigslist family was coming to a close – their daughter would be returning soon from a “Volunteer Abroad” program. Four months prior [-ish] I had broken up with my then boyfriend. His decision to move to Minnesota was reneged and if I’m being honest, I was dealing with an over exaggerated case of the blues. After several meet-and-greets with multiple roommate potentials, I finally decided on a group of women located in St. Paul. Rent was cheap and all-inclusive [utilities + cable + internet + trash], it was close to my job and I felt comfortable with the women who initially “interviewed” me. On the day of my move, I gathered my shit – all six boxes – and prepared to legitimately start ‘adulting’.   My “pretend” family, kindly dropped me off at my new home; they gifted me the bed I slept on, gave me a ‘good luck’ hug and said goodbye. The rest, my friends... is history].

Inside Javasti: Hole In The Wall

I remember feeling relieved that the search for a new home was over; I had visited at least nine different private listings for house shares and sent dozens of e-mails in the process.

The West 7th crew was one of the last I came upon; a large 1930's-style, Berry Blue, two story home with four inhabitants.

Prior to moving in, I was told that there would be a woman [53] squatting on the sofa.  I was told this was a “temporary” situation.

Nothing unusual about that.

She ended up staying for the two years I lived with them.  Rent free.

Anyway, the bar:

Our “Cheers” of sorts. Every weekend, some of the girls and I would walk over to Shamrocks for beers and smokes.

This was back when I was experimenting with Camel Crush Menthols.

It was interesting to see the energy between the group once alcohol became a reoccurring factor.

I wanted to inject that ambiance into the story.

---

In researching the execution, I found a blog post written by Columnist/Author Jane Friedman. In it, she defines a scene as “…the presence of a more real-time momentum than interior monologue [contemplation] or expository explanation…each scene creates consequences that must be dealt with or built upon in the next scene. And thus, scene by scene, you tell a compelling story that has the dramatic power and emotional impact of a great piece of music.”

The idea is to create a launching pad that, in essence, give color to the story.

Author Jordan E. Rosenfeld wrote a Writer’s Digest article entitled, “10 Ways to Launch Strong Scenes,” detailing the manner in which scenes can begin, broken down into: Action Launches, Narrative Launches, Setting Launches.

Her definition somewhat mirrors, Friedman:

"Each new scene still has a responsibility to the idea or plot you started with, and that is to communicate your idea in a way that is vivifying for the reader and that provides an experience, not a lecture. Scene launches, therefore, pave the way for all the robust consequences of the idea or plot to unfurl. Each scene launch is a reintroduction, capturing your reader’s attention all over again. Start each scene by asking yourself two key questions: Where are my characters in the plot? Where did I leave them and what are they doing now? What is the most important piece of information that needs to be revealed in this scene?"

The goal of my bar scene is to is to let the reader in on the dynamics of the group and how its' impact will eventually be used to propel the story forward.

My characters are meeting each other, all together, for the first time.

I’ve written character profiles and backstories – one-on-ones' / two-on-ones'...but this where the charisma of the four-some is shown.

I’m geeked to finish this – its' completion will be epic…well, epic to me.  Its' importance to the story is a great one. Maybe, just maybe, I might share it.  

Mood Music: F**k The Summer Up - Leikeli ft. Bike Boy Pug

The Revolving Door.

 

Quixotic Coffee

I had a vine, stem from the fence of an idea I have for a character:  it happened while I was pursuing Facebook [which I never do; I have a strong disdain for the social media platform and only activate it when certain apps make it a requirement].

Inside Quixoctic Coffee

That idea lead to an impromptu writing session; I started to fill in story line details about one character that would inevitably become a short story in and of itself, ensconced in the principle storie[s].

Got it?

This “exit strategy” is a way for me to dismiss a character and introduce a new one.

The overall story premise, allow coherence in the dismal:  I believe it is plausible - we start with 5 girls living in a house share / something ‘dramatic happens’ / character exits stage left [no, she doesn’t die], another roommate arrives to take her place and so on. I’m planning to have this happen at least twice.

Here I go again, attempting to be all ‘special snow-flaky.’

I initially thought to make this character’s story, a vignette – after doing a little research on the execution, I learned that vignettes are limited to one scene / one juncture.

The book “Brevity,” by David Galef, gives the following instruction:

"Focus on a moment. If you start to chronicle any substantial period, stop and instead deepen the presentation of what’s already there…develop only as much as you need to register an impression of either a character or an event or even a mood," [p.2].

That’s not really going to work for me; the depth of this character and her unfortunate dilemma will have to span a few scenes to be fully understood.  One scene isn’t going to cut it – the crisis is too big.

It’s one of those situations where a 12 inch sub is too much, but a 6 inch ain’t enough.

We need an 8 incher.

In his chapter, 'Perfect Miniatures,' Galef talks about that sweet center –

"Miniatures intensify the principles of representation. In a story, if you represent a thing by a type, you’re taking some large idea or shape, such as justice, and portraying it representationally, [i.e.] through a series of court cases. In a miniature, you don’t have time or space for that kind of development. You’ve got to move fast," [p. 56/57].

My character has to come to terms on a major decision – something impactful that causes cognitive dissonance in her values/beliefs.

I’m modeling part of the blue print after a novel I read last summer entitled, “Rosie Little’s Cautionary Tales For Girls.”

This is not a children’s book; I mean, the intro is called “Not For Good Girls” and promptly segues into the deflowering process of the main character, ha.

Instead, it is a series short stories that are loosely connected about the life lessons of Rosie Little. The Australian author, Danielle Wood, brilliantly pieces together the collection to create a humorous [sometimes melancholic] engaging and relatable story.

Because that’s life: you can’t have the good without the bad, baby.

So. I thought, why not put a short story [or two] in the middle of the story?  From many angles, her connectedness with the other characters may very well be superficial – these ladies are living in the same household, surely they have some form of interaction!

There is a lack of recognition and complete narcissism embedded in their relationships: everyone is so wrapped up in their own shit, that they have no idea their roommate[s] are suffering. Or maybe they know, but they lack [sufficient] compassion. I haven’t decided yet.

Sounds all too familiar.

Mood Music: You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

New Places + New Faces And The Trouble With Fitting It All In.

 

Java Joe's Coffeehouse

It’s a slow-moving process, but I am making a little bit of headway on the book. The next few months are set to be challenging: I’m moving across the country to Seattle, WA - a terrifying adventure my stomach flips for.

I have never lived outside the comforts of the Midwest.

I keep telling myself:  put your “big girl” britches on and git-r-done!  I’m 29: I don’t want to look back and think, “Damn, I should’ve left when I had the chance!”

No regrets.  If I don’t get out now, I’m never going to go.

Thinking about it is quite overwhelming - I just want to skip to the part where I’m there and this is done.

The move comes after surviving in Minneapolis for nearly 5 years. I never wanted to secure the “Minny Apple” as a permanent place of residency; I came here in 2012 to attend Grad school and leave, once that plan went to shit, I ended up staying for a few additional years.

It's been a good ride, but now is the time to jump out of the car.  Ha. 

Why Seattle?

It is congruent with my [corporate] career goals.  Seattle is also a progressive city [so I hear] lots of artists, people and things to discover. Yes, the weather is less than desirable, but I'll take it over 10 inches of snow and below zero temps. 

I need a change of pace, new scenery, a breath of fresh air and I figured I’m not exactly cut out for the East coast.

I’ve been planning this move since January; I made the decision to go visit earlier this year. As we approach May, the reality of what I’m attempting to do is closing in.

The idea of being far away from my family and the community I’ve built, is daunting - I now have to start over, again.

A lot of folks [most folks] don’t like to do that.

I'm not...necessarily a part of said group: I’ve learned of strategic methods and have access to resources that will allow me to successfully do this.

My hope is that I finally find my tribe: a group of individuals who are like-minded and get it. That I can finally shape my career in the way that I want. That I can write and be among others who feel the same. 

I’m in a different space and crave an entirely new life experience.

I am going alone: no husband / no children / no boyfriend – completely beholden to no one.

Inside Java Joe's: In the 24 years I lived in Iowa, I have never heard of "Valley Savings Bank."  Must be something from back in the day. 

Let’s not get it twisted: as exciting as this is, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m fearful beyond belief. 

Considering the ridiculous cost of living means I will have to rewind back to into roommate situation.

Seattle is an expensive city and [unfortunately] my current job does not afford me the luxury of living alone anymore.  It’s probably a good thing –  I will be more at ease with someone else around.

I’ve come to realize how obnoxious that process can be [particularly from half cross country]. There are a ton of online platforms that I am utilizing to help me find my “perfect” match – and by perfect, I mean not crazy. It’s reminiscent of online dating [for which I am a pro, ha] except, I'm not going to get to meet the candidate in-person before I commit. 

Ugh.

There was a brief time when I thought I was moving to Phoenix last summer – that didn’t happen –  but in preparation for what potential did exist, I assembled a list of things that needed to be completed prior to the move.

Hey, hey, hey…what do you know? I still have that list!

Obviously, this must be edited to fit the perimeters of this year’s move, but that won’t be a problem.

One of the things I will do to prevent the above, is sign up for a 30-day yoga pass class; I’m hoping this will help keep me [somewhat] calm, cool and collected.

Shavashna.

At $25, it’s not a bad deal, my friend!

So, what does all of this have to do with writing?

In between not falling apart + falling into booze induce comas + yoga + packing et. al  – I’ve got to etch in time to:

• Write
• Blog
• Read a book [or 2]

This certainly isn’t a "How To" – I’m not mastermind genius [yet!] – but more of a this-is-what-I-do [and really, I have zero to no excuse – it’s not like I’m married with kids].

In all of the articles I read, the general consensus?  You have to make time to write.

I get it, life happens – I’ve got a ton of shit to do – but as writer Lizzie Davey says in, “6 Ways You Can Make Time For Writing In Your Busy Schedule,” you have to make writing a priority. Period.

Writer’s Digest guest blogger, Ashley Ream recommends a more structured approach; she uses spreadsheets to track her day-to-day activities, blocking out regular time to write. 

“When I start a new book, I sit down with my calendar and block off all the days when something out of my control will make it impossible for me to write that day. Sometimes I have to travel, sometimes it’s a big project I know will drain me, sometimes I have a family commitment. Whatever the case, I don’t kid myself. I know when I’m not going to be able to get my word count in. I also take two days a week off to have a life and do all the other things that aren’t the novel but are part of the writing business, like writing this article. So now I know how many days I really have in the next several months to work.”

This is the route  I will be taking – it’s definitely more do-able for me since I work from home:  I’ll commit to penciling in time during lunch.

Marie Farleo, multitasking aficionado, uses a couple of interesting strategies, including the online site, 750words.com, to reach her writing goals.  The online platform is used for mind dumping early morning thoughts, to make more "head space" for writing.

A fantastic listicle [truth be told, listicles annoy me, but this article contain useful content] written by Author, Jerry Jenkins, is a bit more straight forward – his advice?

"Don’t buy into your fan club. Stop listening to relatives and friends who praise your writing, unless they’re in the business and have a clue. They’re being nice, but they aren’t helping you get better and get published. Develop a thick skin and learn to take criticism from people on the inside."

Until I reach completion of my “mission,” I’ll try not to worry myself into an onset early heart attack.

Mood Music: Wings - Little Mix