Goals

#beyondthestroke: The Creative Producer.

 

Brooklyn, NY

CONFESSION: this is my little sister – we played together a lot in school. I’m 65% confident I fouled out and was benched this game. What a dope pic none-the-less.

Basketball in particular has had a choke hold on my family since the 80’s. My mother, standing at 6’2, was badass on the court, averaging 40 points a game. She led her high school team to the 1982 state championship in East Des Moines, Iowa, eventually solidifying her spot as a hall of famer. Some of the juice my mama had, trickled down to me as an adolescent – I certainly looked the part.

I played for a while in my younger years as a lengthy power forward. I’m only 5’7, but appear much taller in person; I just happen to be long-bodied.

My genetic ‘go-go gadget’ arms were often used to grab rebounds, moving the ball to the front on defense, however, it was evident from the outset that I am not a shooter. You could absolutely count on me to overestimate where the hoop is.

Around 11th grade, I started to make a heavy transition toward the arts: a lot of theater, a lot of dance and a lot of music fueled my creative expression and felt like a better fit.

Sports didn’t do it for me anymore. Jazz hands definitely did.


A couple months ago, I came across Kyle Mengelkamp via Instagram – a well-known advocate  in the young stroke survivor community with a similar tie into sports, brain bleeds and the arts. He created #StrokeofGenius: a nonprofit group of content creators, dedicated to sharing the stories of survivors with brain injuries who have overcome to live happy, healthy lives. 

Kyle experienced his own clash with a brain aneurysm back in 1997. The then 11-year-old, was at a beach in Santa Barbara, CA with his friends after pitching a no-hitter in an all-star baseball game at the time of his incident. The unfortunate event impacted Kyle’s right side and like most of us in the community, he went on to do a number of treatments to aid in his recovery including speech, physical and mental health therapies.

By the time high school came around, he would be reintroduced to sports, developing the ‘Kyle Style’: a way of maneuvering his body that would allow him to functionally compete in athletics with his teammates. Although the ‘Kyle Style’ became a solution for participation, there would be a limit to how far he could advance in the game. When it was time for him to make a pivot, he looked to a trusted source for advice. 

“I talked to my coach about a new video production class opening up – I couldn’t do both [play basketball and take the class]. He told me, ‘The new Kyle is for you to discover who you are and what you are meant to be. If this means going into video production to tell stories, you have everyone’s support. It’s your choice.’ That gave me permission to try new things. It opened up a new pathway for me to explore.”

Building off of his new interest, Kyle would go on to become a Content Producer for the NY Mets, Youtuber Jim Kwik, Lacoste and other brands, giving him a leg up to pursue what would be his next venture.  He met an unlikely friend in 2017, who kicked open the door.

“I went to an AT&T video contest just to network and met an elderly woman from San Francisco that stumbled into the event by accident. She sat down in the theater chairs next to me and said, ‘So what's your story?’ We chatted for a bit and decided to meet up the next day.  She came with a proposal to do the video contest on my story. I agreed, only if we could put all the resources together in a few hours. I called everyone in my network and made it happen. We shot, I edited the video overnight, and out of 50 submissions, I won 1st place.”

From this chance meeting, the seed was planted; Kyle wanted to find a way to serve in the brain injury community, but didn’t know how. He went on to expand #StrokeofGenius, integrating other survivor stories.

The Illustrious Kyle.

“We raised 20k and went cross-country looking for people who had a brain injury and triumphed over tragedy to live happy healthy lives. Coming back from this journey, we noticed all of the people we met and interviewed had a similar way to finding their ‘stroke of genius,’ This inspired a change in our core message to mean:  ‘that moment where you choose how to live the rest of your life.’  We all have that moment, it usually comes up in conversation between yourself, your friends, a family member or a kind stranger at a bar.”


One of his favorite interviews came out of a round-table discussion he held with Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, an author and Harvard-trained neuroanatomist, who at 37 experienced a stroke in the left hemisphere of her brain.

Her book, “My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey,” is a staple in the stroke community and was recommended to me during the time of my recovery.  In it, she chronicles a play-by-play of her mind deteriorating as it’s happening.

Kyle has his hand in a number of spin-off projects stemming from the #StrokeofGenius brand including The Brain Bar Salon – a gathering of like-minded individuals, celebrating people within the brain injury community, and his upcoming mini-doc, “Reborn Decades Apart.”

“We [Ty Hawkins and Cory Weissman] are all one decade apart and played basketball competitively. Ty is 2 years out, Cory is 12 years out, and I am almost 25 years out. We are all around the same age - 30 something. The mini-doc shows a different perspective of stroke recovery through the decades.”

His biggest lesson from all of this?

“Your story about what happened isn’t your story; it’s what you create in your new life. You are going to fail, get knocked down, stumble from defeat to defeat, however, you can create any possibility in your new life after a brain injury.”

You can find Kyle at @shareyourstrokeofgenius on Instagram.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Love, Friends, Family
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Mocha on Weekends
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Everyone else
What Balances You: Playing Street Basketball
Favorite Color: Blue

Mood Music: Wannabe - Spice Girls

#beyondthestroke: The Life Coach.

 

Indianapolis, IN

The internet has become an endless collection of information and networking that we have all grown familiar with. I credit LinkedIn as the source of my most recent connection – a woman by the name of Jennifer Chapman reached out when she saw the parallel between us.

I’ve had a handful of people on the professional social media site come forward as survivors: sales leaders, marketers, software developers etc.

I look at them beyond the fancy titles to see their humanity. Their fortitude and victories. Their struggles and tears. I empathize and understand how difficult it can be to navigate a corporate space [or entrepreneurship] in the face of a disability.

How Jennifer was able to make a career pivot after experiencing debilitating brain trauma in 2017, is especially encouraging to those who have similar stories; hers began as any other:

Chapman{headshots}-12.jpg

“As I was leaving the house after getting ready for work, I felt overwhelmingly dizzy and started to sweat profusely. A couple of minutes later, I called my aunt. My voice was changing, and it felt like my throat was closing.  I called 911 and got to the hospital very quickly.  The doctors were not able to diagnose my stroke for the first 10-12 hours; the first doctor just thought it was vertigo.  They finally acknowledged it was a stroke and I stayed in the ICU at the hospital for a week, acute rehab for 10 days and outpatient therapy for four months.”

 She had a clot in three areas of her brain that led to an ischemic stroke. Ischemic strokes are the most common of the stroke types, accounting for over 80% in the U.S. (source).  

For some, they are left with physical impairments; ones that are obvious to the eye - crooked smiles, curved arms, a limp walk, delayed speech - for others, it can be difficult to spot at first glance.

“The clot on the right side has affected my left peripheral vision. The spot in the back on my brain affected my voice, ability to swallow for a short time, and paralyzed a vocal cord – this can affect my ability to take deep breaths depending on what I am doing.  The spot on the left side of my brain, affected my entire right side, leaving me with sensitives to hot and cold.”


Jennifer’s personal road to recovery plan combined four months of physical, occupational and speech therapy on top of many trips to a neuropsychologist and neuro-ophthalmologist for vision concerns.

She would eventually take a step back from her high intensity, seasoned, often stressful sales career as revelations about her life’s purpose moved to the forefront.

“15 months post-stroke after seeing a couple different therapists, I was still not where I wanted to be mentally and emotionally. I hired a life coach for myself and worked with her for several months. The defining moment of finding my purpose and moving forward came from embracing the new version of me.”

Drawing from her own experience, Jennifer decided to branch out into something more fulfilling. Alongside her new work in home healthcare, she developed “Just Commit Coaching,” in 2020 - a life coaching business. Her credentials are currently in progress under the direction of Master Method Coach, Alyssa Nobriga from The Institute of Coaching Mastery.

I saw a similar revelation – it drove me to establish my own space for advocacy to build a community of support on behalf of survivors, particularly for young people with brain injuries.

What Jennifer has found most useful pursuing her coaching certification, is identifying internal roadblocks, acknowledging them, and realizing that those roadblocks exist to protect us.

“I help people figure out how to move through the roadblocks to be more efficient and productive.”

She finds most of her clientele via social media, local networking groups and often referrals who are looking to regain direction, feel discouraged or ‘stuck.’

Her stroke has been a blessing in disguise.

“It has given me tremendous perspective on life: finding gratitude in the small things, not getting swept up in the things that are outside of our control; filling my cup first is priority so that I can then serve others at my highest self. You have to want change bad enough to find and create change.  It is 100% mindset and attitude. Work within yourself to start seeing the results that you want.”

Later this summer, Jennifer will be taking part of a collaboration on inspirational stories and overcoming challenges. She is also a candidate for ‘Impact Woman of the Year’ for the American Heart Association of Indiana – that campaign started in February.

You can find more information on Jennifer and ‘Just Commit Coaching’ on IG @justcommitcoaching.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Freedom
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Chai Tea
Who/What Is Your Motivator: My Mom
What Balances You: Stillness
Favorite Color: Purple

Mood Music: Rise Up - Andra Day

2021: Deja Vu.

 

Des Moines, Iowa

I’m not quite there yet.  The dawning of the year usually excites me. I look forward to new opportunities and continued growth. I’m available. I’m ready. I’m curious. I’m eager.

Like most, I start the mental prep work in December, reflecting on the past 12 months – what did I learn? What goals did I accomplish? What could I have done better? 

This year is different: I bite my lip. I shake my head. Hmph. I have running list of things in my mind; a floating docket to actualize in 2021 – most of which are items that fell by the wayside in 2020.

My Work Station.

My Work Station.

They had to – I didn’t have a choice. Situations occurred that prompted me to move quickly and became much more important than what I initially planned.

We’re still in the middle of a pandemic. We’re still politically fatigued and socially askew. I tried my best to get what I could, done and gave the rest up in lieu of peace of mind.

Coming into 2021, I knew it would be more of the same for a while.

We thought - just for a moment - an incoming administration offered hope. It didn’t take long before we moonwalked back to 1940’s Nazi Germany in a way that stifle any glimmer of optimism.

People are truculent and implacable – we saw that the first week of January. It reminds of the 5 of Wands tarot card – everyone fighting to be heard but no one listening.

This post isn’t about the opprobrious details or my thoughts on such; you all know what happened.  It’s about the general malaise lingering in the atmosphere and how I’m attempting to push past it.


I felt ok during the holiday season – being at home with my family, helps. They are a grounding source of comfort. I’m aware of what I have going on [both personally and professionally] and felt motivated to start rolling out pieces in the new year.

I began taking notes here and there, putting the puzzle together. Reading more, doing spurts of research. As always, I aim to continue progress on the book – I made a few strides during Nano and want to reverse and clean it up.

I plan to get parts of the story critiqued by folks who know what they are doing and have the credentials to support their observations.

Blank Board.

Blank Board.

I’m nervous to receive their feedback.  The current version of the book has been a W.I.P. (work in progress) for nearly two years – the project itself, for four.  I welcome the criticism. I need the help – I’m not above it. At. All.

But I’m still nervous.

In terms of the blog – nomadicaffeine – I want to bring you more interviews for the #beyondthestroke series. It was birthed out the pandemic to inspire. Survivors want to read these stories. They are yours. They are ours. I think it’s good, positive and productive for the whole of the community.

The problem is: I haven’t written any of this down. I have a top-of-the-year ritual, started in 2013:

I clean, I purge, I smudge with sage. I create a goal board, broken into quarters.  

Jan - March // April -June // July - September // October - December.

This year I have nothing. My board is blank. It scares me to build a draft – I got screwed last year. We all did. Even in 2021, there is so much that is still unknown.

I think I will attack it differently, using major themes to set my agenda; nothing too specific. I don’t want to give myself hard deadlines. I want to make sure I allow for flexibility.

Tumultuous as it may be, we are in a time of deep transformation.

Buckle up.

Mood Music: Dreamworld - Robin Thicke

 

The 9th Inning: NaNoWriMo 2020

 

Des Moines, Iowa

I was hesitant about participating in Nano this year; 2020 has been, undoubtedly difficult.

Between the pandemic, social uprising, political brawls and general confusion, it was hard to full concentrate using a mind that has been bloated to endless fatigue with news saturation.

My creative impulses hit a wall just as my anxiety levels accelerated. The abrupt shifts that keep happening nationwide [and on a personal/professional level], make it hard to see a future.

CoffeeMugNov.jpg

I’ve settled into my temporary new home, but the reverberation from the summer madness still tickle my ears every now and again. The scramble to get out of Seattle had an impact and has forced me to introspect more deeply about what is to come.

Moving from a super liberal city with stringent COVID protocols, back to a red state whose Governor is “leaving it in the hands of the people,” doesn’t build my confidence as a returning resident – the number of fucks not given is both disheartening and dangerous.

Like most, I’ve been on autopilot heading into the winter, simply trying to get through the day. I noticed many writers are carrying a comparable attitude toward Nano…

 F*ck. I'm just tired. This year has been A LOT.


I remember participating in Nanowrimo during the 2016 election. I was going through a breakup; the fluctuating emotions surrounding those events couldn’t stop me. I pushed through - read about it, here.

I'm doing it again in 2020 for similar reasons - an attempt to about-face that energy into something more productive. It’s not as easy as in the past; I don't have the same amount of vigor, inspiration or drive. I really, really have had to try this time. 

I'm not doing this out of obligation, I’m doing this because it is way to hold myself accountable. Simply put: making progress on my book helps me feel better; of the many things I have no control over, this is the one thing I do. Even if I get out 250 words a day, I'm ok with that. Even if I have to skip a day [or four], that's fine. “As long as it’s something,” I told myself.

For this round, I’m focusing on the years 2014 & 2015 [Chapters 9 & 10 respectively - this may change as I move along and do more editing]. These were damn good years for me – I was curious in my career and motivated in my recovery. I gleaned lot from the people in my circle: everyone was a tool used to understand more about myself.

I was bold and courageous – striking out on my own to attend MeetUp events, networking groups, social clubs, and dance classes. I talk about taking my life back and deciding to [both literally and figuratively] write my own story.

The desire to reflect on something lighthearted and exciting is not lost on me, given our current circumstances. I teared up a bit, reminiscing on the early stages of newfound girlfriends and former admirers. Shook my head at some of the not-so-boss moves I made during certain points of my career. That is ok. You live. You learn.


In the beginning, I created a schedule to adhere to – it didn’t stick. I got wrapped up in the election melee, doom scrolling through social media and the endless commentary on the results. I wondered the possibilities and what this meant. Most of my anxiety was put at ease about a week after CNN made their final call.

Cool.

But then I woke up with a cough and a sore throat - the anxiety crept in again. My body was beginning to fail me in all the right ways, making it harder to concentrate on Nano goals and creativity. I needed to get tested to calm my nerves – luckily, I was cleared of COVID. Thank, God. I can rest easy.

This has been the longest month ever, the longest year ever and quite frankly, I’m glad it’s over [or about to be]. I will sleep for December and see you all in 2021 my friends!

Mood Music: Let’s Take A Ride - Justin Timberlake

March Madness.

 

Fresh Flours

It’s March! Can you believe it?  The onset of 2020 has been productive in terms of writing; to briefly recap:  January into mid-February, I knocked out around 15,000 words, completing Part One of my story. During the last two weeks of February, I took a break to celebrate my birthday and relax.

Sidebar: my mother advised me that I should not have stopped my momentum, ha.

A little bit of construction never hurt nobody.

A little bit of construction never hurt nobody.

The kid was drained. Writing a memoir is exhausting - I cried a lot of tears, mentally click-clacking back through 2011 and 2012.

I turned 32.

It’s not a milestone year - I’m not making a big deal of it - but yeah, I’m a little bit older and hopefully a tiny bit wiser.

The improvement I continue to make is not a total surprise: the high of the new year is often a big push, propelling me forward into karate kicking the goals I’ve set. Most people feel similarly.

It’s keeping those goals at the forefront, year-round, that seem to be the hard part.

I find it helpful to create new habits – small things that I do daily or weekly that help in moving me toward my overall goal.

I use my insomnia as launching point:  oftentimes, I wake up at 4:00am, 5:00am – instead of laying in bed, staring at the wall like I normally would, I get up to start my day. I might do a quick yoga routine via YouTube, shower, make a pot of coffee and write some before work. I will typically block out an hour and a half before signing in, and chunk up to two additional hours after work depending on what I have planned in the evening: dance class, friends, cooking etc.

(Note: this works for me because I work from home).

I manage between 500 - 1000 words per day and feel pretty damn good about it.

On Saturday mornings, I get up between 6:00 - 7:00am, start my usual pot of coffee and write until around 10:00 – 11:00am.  I stop for a lunch break or a brain rest and start my second session around 2:00pm, going for another hour or so.

Sunday’s I keep for myself as a general “catch up” day: hair wash, grocery shopping etc.

I’m super excited about the structure that I’ve been able to put into place for the story: the way I’m organizing the narrative makes it fluid to write. Everything – as is true for memoirs – is in chronological order.

I’ve divided the events into parts:

  • Part 1

  • Part 2

  • Part 3

There are certain elements of the story that I have left to finish for the end [as in, I will finish it during the editing process]. I keep it open because a) it needs further/intensive research –

When I start getting into the particulars of my stroke [the medical minutiae involved] I have to dig through a lot of my own documentation. I want to make sure I am using the correct terms, analysis and such.

The time for digging through that is not now – there are boxes upon boxes of paperwork in my closet when I’m ready.

I want to get the story out in full and fill in those details, later.

b) whatever I’m writing may be too heavy for me to process and ultimately interrupts the flow in a way that is disruptive to my creativity.

In those instances – there aren’t many in part one – I still need to work through them.

When I say that, I mean, I have to run it past my therapist. Writing helps, but so does she.

As of now, I’m moving around in Part Two. I created chapter outlines before my two-week break and have constructed a road map to follow. Chapters 6 - 12 are gritty, so I decided to start writing some of the more lighthearted fluff that begins in chapter 8.  I’ll back it up to 6 and 7 when I’m finished, diving into relationship rigmarole thereafter.

Coffee_Fresh Flours.jpg

The dating stories I have to tell are edifying, depressing, sexy, heartbreaking, interesting and fun.  I had a very robust dating experience in Minneapolis and although every involvement cannot and will not be present in the book - only the ones of true impact and relevancy, especially since the book itself is not solely focused on my dating life - I think it’s important to  discuss the challenges that come from dating with a disability in your 20’s.

Spoiler: it makes you much more vulnerable.

The end of March signals the end of first quarter: with that, I can honestly say, I am very proud of the progress I’ve made and can’t wait to rev up for quarter two!

Mood Music: Hungry - Fergie Ft. Rick Ross

My Obligatory 'New Years' Post.

 

Anchorhead Coffee

It is officially the start of a new decade.

How Does That Feel?

I’m going to be honest, the realization that an entire decade has elapsed, is surreal.

For a lot of Millennials, it was our first decade as adults – we were thrust into this new world as “contributing members of society,” only to come face-to-face with a recession.

Remember that?  I do.

In 2009, I was 21 and a junior in college. Twenty-fucking-one.

For reference, I’m edging thirty-fucking-two in 30 days.

I started undergrad at 18 with the assumption that I would:

go to college > get a good job > date> marry well > have a baby > discover life with my “new” family.

In exact that order.

Listen, the dreams of the typical Midwesterner are simple: you basically mirror what your parents did. Perhaps fall off-the beaten path for a few years, but eventually make your way back home.

A recession was not in the cards nor the proliferation of technology that would go on to complicate the dating landscape. Don’t even get me started…

I remember breaking up with my long-term boyfriend in 2012 and thinking: “how am I supposed to meet people?!”  Tinder wasn’t quite a thing yet and being social outside of an academic structure seemed unlikely for me.

I was pushed toward the pits of hell called “online dating” – OkCupid, Match.com.  Truth be told, I had been meeting people off the internet since my MySpace days, but we don’t need to talk about that…

My psychic abilities failed to tell me I would be making my way into the arctic jungle full of fake progressives known as Minneapolis, let alone the west coast.

Or have brain hemorrhage.

The universe cackles.

Obviously, this was my biggest challenge and subsequent triumph of the decade. My core was shaken: physically, mentally and emotionally. Shit got real. Radiation. Rehab. Depression. “WhAt Am I dOiNg WiTh My LiFe?!”

That whole bit.

I decided to start a blog when no one was blogging anymore.

Lol.

And now I’m writing a book about it.


I lived this past decade as a 20-something:

The opportune time to make mistakes without critical judgement. More often than not, people will blame your stupidity on your youth. Trust me, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and continue to fuck up every now and again.

I’d like to think I have the tools to process and navigate those situations with much more ease, these days.

The Quaffle.

The Quaffle.

Thank you, life. Shitty relationships. Aimless career moves. Precarious situations I had no business being in. Bad sex. Poorly maintained friendships. Lemon drop shots and 15 years of therapy off and on.

If you catch me in a good mood, on the right day, when I’m not ovulating and the weather’s nice…I’ll probably still be down for a lemon drop shot.

Also: when we’re talking about fuck ups, your mileage may vary.

If you did it right, you brought some major keys with you into your 30s.

If you did it wrong [and by “wrong,” I simply mean: you spent zero time in introspection and learned nothing] you will repeat those gaffes in your 30s.

If you’re like most of us, you did some half-ass introspection and self work only after an terrifying situation woke you the fuck up, somewhere between the ages 27-32. That first BIG meltdown is a doozy.

You realize how difficult putting the actual work in is and decide to “do the rest later.”

Let’s be clear: in certain areas, you will not get the same grace at 30 that you would have at 25.

My most recent ex learned this the hard way.

In 2009, I couldn’t wait for college to be over. I was one of the not-so-lucky-few that had tumultuous college experience, leaving me with little to no friends, no contacts and no network to tap into.

Next to that, the world was telling me that my financial future was bleak.

I was still hopeful and bright-eyed – yes, the economy was a big heaping pile of shit, but I just knew I could sift through it and figure it out.

I had time and naivete on my side.

You don’t know what you don’t know…until you do.


It is officially the start of a new year.

What Does That Look Like?

I’m sure you’ve read tons of articles hearkening in 2020, reflecting on the past year. My 2019 – as I mentioned in my Instagram stories – was subpar. Not all of it, but a lot of it.  The downward trajectory began in mid June after returning to Seattle from my trip home.

Unfortunately, things that I thought would get done, did not get done; there were a lot of fails and setbacks both personally and professionally.

It wasn’t a great year, guys.

A lot of my personal goals are heavy. Large. They take time. Energy. Effort.

My thoughts about 2020 are this: I am optimistic. I know everyone is declaring 2020 as their year, but I feel it in my spirit that I will finally bring to fruition some of the projects/goals I’ve been working toward over the past 4 years.

Honestly, it’s like being back in undergrad with a better support system, more money, slightly better sex and a bit more insight into how the world works.

I guess that’s all I can ask for.

Cheers!

Mood Music: We Are Young - Fun ft. Janelle Monae

Reset to Redirect.

 

Cascade Coffee Works


Yes, it has been awhile – grab a cup of coffee and let’s chat:

The anticipation of my dance recital has come and gone; it was both a thrilling and exhausting experience. TakePause offered a performance full of collaborations: modern dance, tap, ballet and sprinkles of hip hop.

Over half of the participants were in multiple pieces – namely those who were no stranger to this particular program. I, on the other hand, chose to participate in 1 piece as a precaution; I wasn’t sure what to expect and didn’t want to make a massive commitment.

My group’s performance was placed near the end of the 2-hour show. This meant I had to sit in a puddle of anxiety before my debut each night.

Friday was by far the best and most taxing: the kickoff show. Most would agree that this production put out an extraordinary amount of energy. From the instructors, students and the crowd - everyone was extremely HYPE. For the dancers on stage, this drove us to dance harder and smile wider, giving the people what they want.

My friends decided they would join the Friday evening crowd, showing their unyielding support by yelling my name and cheering me on.

The entire production reminded me of showcases I’ve previously been in: theater performances and choir ensembles from ninth grade through my senior year of college [I was in the “Vagina Monologues” twice!] I became energized by the chaos happening backstage – lots of hair spray, makeup, people practicing their routines in the hallway. Rouge, purple and blue eye shadow, fishnet stockings.

The dancers acted as marketers, engineers, accountants, public servants, retired teachers in their day to day lives; they all had varied levels of experience. Some were true beginners; others have been dancing for years.

Into the City: SLU

Into the City: SLU

Needless to say, by Sunday, I was ready to be done.

The remainder of May saw me entertaining an out-of-town cousin who came to visit Seattle and general research – personally and professionally – that will help lay the ground work for the rest of 2019.

In June, I took a mid-year trip home for 3.5 weeks – a much needed reprieve from fast life in the city. Before arriving in Iowa, I made a pit stop in Colorado to visit an old friend; we made space to reminiscence about our time as “Team Leads” at an Iowa based summer camp back in 2009. In between our long talks and meandering through Boulder, I was somehow convinced to tag along a hike at Estes Park - a beautiful excursion into the wonderment of nature.

Dream Lake - Estes Park, CO

Dream Lake - Estes Park, CO

Although I am not an outdoorsy person, I thought of this as a way to explore something new; I try to remain open minded. I also fell a few times on slick patches of snow – an unexpected surprise that left me with a giant bruise on my thigh. Lovely.

After my 3-day trip into the wild, I was ready for Iowa.

It felt good feel the presence of my parents – every time I return home, their aging becomes more and more evident. They ask me the same question they always do: “when are you moving back?”

I give them a blundering expression and respond with the usual: “I don’t know, yet.”

As enjoyable as it was, by the end of the 3 weeks, I was ready to leave – part of me sad, the rest missing my autonomy and anticipating summer which officially began June 21.

The first 6 months of the year have been hectic – everyone around me has been a bit worn down and to be honest, I wasn’t all that refreshed upon my return.

I thought I would have had more time in Iowa, quiet time, to write - I did not - instead, I spent those moments catching up and eating. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I spoke with my parents about my corporate career, book plans, blog plans, plans in general, so although I was missing that “refresh,” I thought I needed, I came back focused.

Maybe that was my version of refreshed?

I’ve made progress since returning to Seattle, however, when I sit down to write, facts, details and stories can become incredibly overwhelming. We’ve talked about this before. There. Is. Just. So. Much. To make it easier, I break everything into smaller, individual stories: my transition to Minneapolis, my brief stint in grad school, the stroke itself, the recovery, all of my “alternative rehabs,” [dance, acting classes] and the men that I dated in-between etc.

Who is involved? What happened? When? Where? Why?

[You know, the stuff I learned in Journalism 101 ions ago, ha].

I figured once I get the stories together, I can fill in the gaps with connection points that ultimately bring everything together. Wish me luck!

 Mood Music: BabyBird - Chloe x Halle

 

Heart To Heart.

 

Realfine Coffee

Spring is coming. I can smell the newness emanating through the air.  Everything is much brighter; sight and sound are in color. My apathy is waning. It’s a feeling that, I for one, have been anticipating for quite a while – I know I’m not alone.

Winter has been rough, not just here in Seattle, but around the country.

As the temperature steadily increases, I notice my motivation levels begin to rise again. I’m starting to do some re-evaluation of my book: big ideas have flooded into my periphery – they’re complicated.

In order for me to focus more on the larger picture, I’m going to have to scale down the post frequency of my blog. This will be OK – as of now, most of my readership are a collection of random men who either found my Instagram on any one of the dating apps I reluctantly participate in… or IG itself.

Write Time @ Realfine

Write Time @ Realfine

To Them I Say:

“Hey you *winky face* I see you reading my -ish.  If you want the real tea, start here, and here.

Or, perhaps, one of my fellow survivors stumbled into this matrix: “I love you – you will get through this! Start here .”

Or a random Googler, searching for more information on coffee: “Checkout my intro. *wink* - this is not what you think.”

My “awakening” has been, in part, sparked by the onset re-visitation of issues both mentally and in the physical form.  This has kicked up a sense of “urgency” or rather a re-focus on what I’m trying to accomplish.

Over the Winter Season:

Testing: 1,2,3…

Testing: 1,2,3…

I have established a new care team in Seattle. My Neurologist is one of the best in the city – she has a stoic disposition that breezes by ‘warm welcomes’, but I trust her professional judgement. I should take a que from her and be more detached.

Her curiosity is pushing for a root cause after an MRA uncovered  a problem area from the past. I’ve gone on to dredge up documents from my old team in Minneapolis and am now am sporting a temporary heart monitor for tracking.

Don’t worry – I’m not going to die, I just have to unravel a few things.

I recently decided to become more active in a few Facebook support groups – I’ve belonged to them for a while but have now started peeking my head inside to ask questions.

It Doesn’t Stop.

I’m continuing to pack my schedule by taking a modern dance class at a studio here in town; I’ve always been in love with movement and finding alternative ways to stay healthy.

I went into this with zero experience, which means I need the most amount of help. Extra classes on top of rehearsals, at home practice etc. The 12-week course includes a performance at the end - with my nerves, it easy to be scared shitless.

The idea was to try something original, stimulating, different, fun…unafraid of my body and what it can do.

Yes, it is a challenge – the spins and flips – but I find so much joy in dance: getting lost in the music and interpreting it the way I see fit.

Hopefully I’ll stick the choreography enough that I won’t look like a total noob onstage.

This summer, I want to dive into more diverse styles of dance: breaking, contemporary, hip-hop, salsa.

Point is: I have a lot of shit going on. I used to update ya’ll twice a month. Starting in April, I’ll be giving you a once-a-month update on my book progress, tips, interesting finds and life in general.

As far as the book itself, I will be putting in a little more time here and there – memories are starting to come back with less aggression.  Sometimes I’ll get distracted, perusing Facebook or Instagram, searching for someone in particular that I’m writing about.

I want to see what they’re doing and how they are doing. Don’t judge me – you do it too!

Sooner or later it will all come together: mind, body and soul.


Mood Music: Bank Head - Kelela

Ready. Set. Goals [2019].

 

Little Oddfellows Coffee

The intensity of December bled into January: although the tension of the holidays slowly started to wane, the whirlwind of it all could still be felt throughout the impending month.

January 1st was amazing in ways I can’t fully explain: the year literally started with an explosion, however, once I threw water on the blast…the fire died. I had to move on.

Little Mural

Little Mural

No time for quarreling – more important people, places and brain scans to worry about.

It wasn’t until recently that I took the time to reflect on the major milestones [and failures] that occurred in 2018.

Yes, I wrote my annual goal board the morning of January 1st. I do this every year: things that I want to accomplish, habits I want to put in place etc.

But taking a minute to have real, honest reflection? I woke up in the middle of the night – this isn’t unusual, my room had gotten warm – only to look up from my pool of sweat and stare at the wall in contemplation. Then go to the bathroom.

This was my time.

First and foremost, my Costa Rica trip was one of my biggest exploits of 2018 - it came with a quiet nervousness that plagued me the entire trip. Between the language barrier and the general unease of being alone in a foreign country, I learned a few things:

  • Solo travel outside the US is not for me; I like to share the experience. And the responsibility.

  • Brush up on the language, bruh. C’mon. Common sense.

  • Just ask. Someone will help you.

  • People are much, much happier with less: between the locals who operate with, in my opinion, the bare minimum to the travelers passing through with just a few items – who is really winning?

My massage therapist was a Miami native who left Florida – she was deeply unhappy with her life and wanted a “do-over”. The young woman moved to Costa Rica, started her own business as a single mother and now enjoys the ease and comfort of the small-town, coastal life. #Getitgurl.

  • It is totally possible for me to try new things and be fearless, but:

  • My anxiety is a real thing.

  • It is hot as balls is Central America.

  • I must lean-in or step into my truth – this became the impetus for change of direction with my book [recap of that adventure, here].

I returned to the states unscathed, refreshed and relieved. So much so, that I took the plunge and cut my hair - the relaxer had to go!

Don’t worry, I had been thinking about doing it for months! Read my afterthoughts, here.

Did I get through 80% of my book? Hell no. It took me a couple of months [*cough* 5] to even crack the laptop open after my decision to pivot.

The beginning of 2018 was eaten up by preoccupation with “the move”: my roommate and I left one part of the city for another. We spent months attempting to find a place that was practical for the both of us: Truilia, Zillow and Craigslist listings be damned! We found our happy medium.  Flashback to that drama, here.

With a series of unfortunate back to back events rounding out fall to winter, I crashed right into my Grandmother’s death in December.

2018 was…a hot ass mess to be honest.

In 2019, I propose a turn-around.

It may be easier said than done though: January has been…interesting. Good part: I’ve found space to write, gaining clarity within the story. The therapy helps.

I was listening to the “Happier with Gretchen Rubin” podcast, episode 201: she talks about having a one-word theme for the year – I’ve heard of this concept before.

One word that you can repeatedly comeback to, throughout the year – a reminder of your overall goal. My word for this year is: Focus.

The first draft of my book can and will get done with Focus.

I can create discipline with Focus.

For the LOVE OF GOD, I can legitimately find a writer’s group with Focus [and motivation].

Still working on finding that writer’s group. It’s on my list every year. Ugh.

Baby steps. Pray for me, ya’ll.

Mood Music: The Glow - Victoria Monet

 

 

...And The Livin' Is Easy.

 

All City Coffee

Summer has officially arrived – and thank GOD. Like Minneapolis, Seattle only gets 4-5 solid months of clear, sunny weather. This poses a bit a problem when it comes to writing - at least for me. I’m less likely to spend my time isolated, ruminating over past events for my memoir, when a rooftop happy hour is on the docket.

I’m 30, flirty and thriving -  “suns out/guns out” or however that saying goes, right? I’d rather “seize the day” at a beach, wonder around the streets of Cap Hill or bounce from vendor to vendor at music festival while I can.

But if I’m truely honest with myself, I will admit that I am a little apprehensive – it’s still challenging for me to work inward and backward: I talk about that struggle here.

There are certainly times I don’t feel like rehashing the event – it's depressing and quite frankly, I have some lingering anger and insecurity [most of which is because I still and will continue to wrestle with the residual effects of a hemorrhagic stroke, but you know. Whatever].

AllCityCoffeeII.jpg

I want to remain in my bubble. I want to float. 

It is going to take some deep, deep work with my therapist to really gut everything…and I’m not ready.

Unfortunately, the immediate stressors of The Move, interpersonal relationships and career stuff [for lack of a better term] ate up a lot of time in my sessions these past few months.

As my therapist, *Dan would let me guide the direction of the sessions [as he should] and because of the urgency of the items listed, we would often stay there. Basically, I had a lot of shit going on that needed solving and didn’t really have the mental energy to get into the past.

In the meantime, between time, I’ve got some prep work to-do:

The Move took me to another part of the city that may only be 8 miles away from where I was, but in traffic, could take a day’s journey to reach Dan.

What does this mean?  Well, unfortunately, I have to find a new therapist – ok, I don’t have to, but if I stayed,  we  wouldn’t see each other as often. That’s not going to work for the kid. #itsohard2saygoodbye.

Ugh. It took me forever to find Dan -- I have enjoyed working with him, but I am a person of convenience: he doesn’t have weekend availability and seeing him every 6-7 weeks when I go get my braces tightened, will only work for so long.

[His office is nearby my Orthodontist for those who are wondering].

So add, "the search" to my giant list of things that desperately need to get done. Perhaps when the sun goes down for the season?

As I’m settling into my new spot, in a more “colorful” neighborhood [amazing mountainous views included], I think about how I fully plan to remain committed to the goal – believe me, when I’m not working on the book, I think about it. I’m always reminded that this is a story that needs to be told. It just takes a lot for me to bring it out and that’s ok. Lord help me. Ha.

 

Mood Music: Summertime - Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong

*not real name

 

 

 

Mic Check 1, 2, 1, 2: 2018 #Goals.

 

Fuel Coffee

It's been a minute - I, for one, am happy to be back. The holidays are always a bit overwhelming [at least for me].

[Too much] family, [too much] food and a little [too much] reflection. 

I’m back in the PNW and have officially stepped into “the zone”, whatever that means.

Like most around this time, I am in a period of introspection – not just about 2017, but my place in life as it currently stands. Turning 30 next month might also have something to do with it.

I made a lot of personal strides last year; the major changes have been documented in this blog. Aside from my writing goals, I took a huge leap of faith with a half cross country move and spent the first half of 2017 preparing for it.

It has been quite the ride.

Since arriving to Seattle, I've had my ups and downs; moments when I question everything, believing nothing. The skepticism is strong out this way. Suddenly, my faith is restored with nods from the universe telling me to basically knock it off. You’re fine.

I’ve entered [or am about to enter?] a brand-new chapter of my life – I feel like 2018 is a continuation of such.

I’m still at the beginning [edging closer to the middle] of my transition and it has been surprisingly calm. The fear still exists – my reaction hasn’t been as “over the top” as I initially anticipated. Yet.

In Other News:

I’ll be taking a solo trip to Costa Rica to attend a yoga retreat for my 30th birthday. I have fantasized about the idea for years: going somewhere alone, sitting on a warm beach and being left the fuck alone. Unbothered.  I just need to think.

That sounds a little abrasive but I feel like solitude will be good for me. Navigating a foreign country alone will be good for me. Frightening, but good.  I’m praying I don’t get kidnapped – if I do and Lifetime does a movie of me, I want KeKe Palmer as the lead. Or Justine Skye – no one knows who she is – cool.  Google her. She is gorgeous.

Aside from my phone, I will not be taking electronics –  instead I'll have a notebook and pen as companions -  we’re kicking it old school.

Early in the morning, I had to stop for gas.

Early in the morning, I had to stop for gas.

In the spirit of contemplation, let’s talk about those 2017 goals:

  1. No, I didn't get through 80% of my novel - we're going to go ahead and add that onto 2018’s list.
  2. Thanks to NaNo, I confirmed that I am, indeed a morning writer. To get where I need to be, I am pledging to write at least 2 mornings a week + Sundays. Whoo!
  3. I am happy to report: I did journal quite a bit.  In 2018,  this will remain unchanged.
  4. Did I make it to the library as much as I wanted? Nah, but I was there a handful of times a month – this will also be something continued into the new year.

Speaking of: I should probably go ahead and get a library card.

As I created my [comprehensive] Goal Board for 2018, it was looking kind of sparse; I’m not really adding anything new. Even my health & fitness goals are pretty much the same - maybe a modification here or there, but nothing too unfamiliar.

Again, 2018 is a continuation of last year’s underachievements.

I’ll get there.

I do want to make sure that I maintain continual career development: basically -  read, read, read. 

Last year I dove into quite a few books,  from writing instructional manuals to classic American literature like, "The Bell Jar."

There's soooo much good stuff to be consumed: it's overwhelming. I mean hell, I low-key want to get into "Fire & Fury".

At present, I'm reading “My Life on the Road,” a memoir by Gloria Steinem. I keep falling  more  and more in love with her stories recounting her relationship with her traveling salesman father.  Truth be told, I’m only on page 20.

I also have Oprah’s new book on deck: “The Wisdom of Sundays." Definitely not a book to read straight through - it's a collection of inspirational essays from her Super Soul Sunday interviews.

Once a day, I tell the Universe to show me what I need to know.

When I was younger, I used to be obsessed with V.C. Andrews novels.  I loved to salacious nature of it all: at 10, she was my "As The World Turns".

Anyway...

2018 will be my year of consistency. My year of self disciple.  My year to solidify everything I have been working toward. 

Oh. And:

I WILL FIND A WRITING GROUP THIS YEAR, DAMMIT!

...after I come back from Costa Rica :)

Mood Music: I'm Every Woman - Whitney Houston

 

2017 #GOALS.

 

Peace Coffee - Wonderland Park

Aaaand I’m late with this one – I know, I know.  I’ve had a lot of time to sit and think about what I want  twenty-seventeen to be.

There is the typical notion that most people who create "New Year Resolutions" for themselves, never [fully] accomplish them. They may go strong for a few weeks, perhaps a few months – the ball drops when they find the task[s] too daunting.

They become complacent. Determine there's not enough time.

Or:

Ugh. I’ll do it [start it] tomorrow / next week…then inevitably never.

Ok - so this was my "Vision Board" from 2013. Pay no attention to the random hodge-podge of books I used to hold the corners down. Uh. Btw, I love Kerry Washington.

Ok - so this was my "Vision Board" from 2013. Pay no attention to the random hodge-podge of books I used to hold the corners down. Uh. Btw, I love Kerry Washington.

Well…they are not me.

Although, who am I kidding? I have most certainly fallen prey to the procrastination trap...

Mwhahahaha.

To be honest, I've actually been pretty productive with my goal setting [and achieving] for the past few years:

The infamous vision board / goal board / get-shit-done …board?  [I’ve gone through a few iterations] is back for two-thousand-seventeen:

I usually break it down into quarters of the year [Q1 –Q4] of things I want to see myself do.

I further divide it into monthly and weekly goals on two additional dry-erase boards, leading up to the larger end goal.  I'm visually reminded at ever corner of my studio to get shit done. 

The above, points out my overall yearly goals on a macro level; this portion of the  post will focus on my writing specific goals for 2017:

1.  Finish 80% of the first draft of my novel – [laughs...then cries at that reality].

 REQUIRED COMMITMENT: 2-5 hours per week.

[For those who will ask, 80% is an arbitary number. I just need to get the 1st draft over half done to feel accomplished].

2.  Develop consistency with my blog [now until August – 2x Month; I might speed it up after the fact. We'll see]. 

REQUIRED COMMITMENT: 7 hours per month. For now. 

[This includes becoming active on Social Media again].

3.  Read AT LEAST  [1] Women's Lit book per month.

[Writer's, write. But they also read].

Hmm. Ya think?            

4.  1-2 trip[s]  to my local library to "research" per month. [Research is broad; could be anything: research issues related to my characters or writing techniques blah, blah].

5.  Find a writing buddy – either a person / club.

[I need constructive criticism and/or feedback. So do you].

6.  Journal – for my sanity.  Because this shit is HARD.

I mean, it’s a lot – I’m going to have to chunk it out, but you get the gist.  All of this,  requires an amount of discipline I haven’t had since…ever.

Look, I'm no genius - this is what works for me; a little bit of chaos with a dash of wtf? If you want to get more targeted, Faye Kirwin has a great post on effective S.M.A.R.T. goal setting. 

Git-R-Done!

Thank GOD for singlehood, coffee and wine.

Without you, I might not make it.

Mood Music: Faith - George Michael