The 9th Inning: NaNoWriMo 2020

 

Des Moines, Iowa

I was hesitant about participating in Nano this year; 2020 has been, undoubtedly difficult.

Between the pandemic, social uprising, political brawls and general confusion, it was hard to full concentrate using a mind that has been bloated to endless fatigue with news saturation.

My creative impulses hit a wall just as my anxiety levels accelerated. The abrupt shifts that keep happening nationwide [and on a personal/professional level], make it hard to see a future.

I’ve settled into my temporary new home, but the reverberation from the summer madness still tickle my ears every now and again. The scramble to get out of Seattle had an impact and has forced me to introspect more deeply about what is to come.

Moving from a super liberal city with stringent COVID protocols, back to a red state whose Governor is “leaving it in the hands of the people,” doesn’t build my confidence as a returning resident – the number of fucks not given is both disheartening and dangerous.

Like most, I’ve been on autopilot heading into the winter, simply trying to get through the day. I noticed many writers are carrying a comparable attitude toward Nano…

 F*ck. I'm just tired. This year has been A LOT.

---

I remember participating in Nanowrimo during the 2016 election. I was going through a breakup; the fluctuating emotions surrounding those events couldn’t stop me. I pushed through - read about it, here.

I'm doing it again in 2020 for similar reasons - an attempt to about-face that energy into something more productive. It’s not as easy as in the past; I don't have the same amount of vigor, inspiration or drive. I really, really have had to try this time. 

I'm not doing this out of obligation, I’m doing this because it is way to hold myself accountable. Simply put: making progress on my book helps me feel better; of the many things I have no control over, this is the one thing I do. Even if I get out 250 words a day, I'm ok with that. Even if I have to skip a day [or four], that's fine. “As long as it’s something,” I told myself.

For this round, I’m focusing on the years 2014 & 2015 [Chapters 9 & 10 respectively - this may change as I move along and do more editing]. These were damn good years for me – I was curious in my career and motivated in my recovery. I gleaned lot from the people in my circle: everyone was a tool used to understand more about myself.

I was bold and courageous – striking out on my own to attend MeetUp events, networking groups, social clubs, and dance classes. I talk about taking my life back and deciding to [both literally and figuratively] write my own story.

The desire to reflect on something lighthearted and exciting is not lost on me, given our current circumstances. I teared up a bit, reminiscing on the early stages of newfound girlfriends and former admirers. Shook my head at some of the not-so-boss moves I made during certain points of my career. That is ok. You live. You learn.

---

In the beginning, I created a schedule to adhere to – it didn’t stick. I got wrapped up in the election melee, doom scrolling through social media and the endless commentary on the results. I wondered the possibilities and what this meant. Most of my anxiety was put at ease about a week after CNN made their final call.

Cool.

But then I woke up with a cough and a sore throat - the anxiety crept in again. My body was beginning to fail me in all the right ways, making it harder to concentrate on Nano goals and creativity. I needed to get tested to calm my nerves – luckily, I was cleared of COVID. Thank, God. I can rest easy.

This has been the longest month ever, the longest year ever and quite frankly, I’m glad it’s over [or about to be]. I will sleep for December and see you all in 2021 my friends!

Mood Music: Let’s Take A Ride - Justin Timberlake

Farewell, Seattle.

 

Seattle, WA

I remember the first time I visited Seattle back in February 2017. The idea of leaving Minneapolis was not a new one – I had been contemplating an exit for a few years, but I wasn’t clear on a landing spot.

After my final angiogram at the University of Iowa in spring of 2016, I felt freed enough to put a real plan in place – I would no longer be tethered to this region of the country. Over the summer leading into the fall months, I aggressively interviewed with PetSmart corporate in Phoenix. Twice. The recruiter was convincing; I was looking forward to the dry heat of Arizona

Where The Magic Happens: Pike Place Market, Seattle

Nothing happened there. As a result, I took a gig at a software company with a satellite office in Minnesota. It was a strategic move - the option to telecommute opened the door to “location exploration.” The tech giant is headquartered in the heart of downtown Bellevue, WA – a “suburb” of Seattle.

My only references to the Emerald City were Nirvana and the cast of 1998’s “The Real World,” – I was 10 when it aired on MTV.  The opening scene for the show included a shot of the famous fish throwers at Pike Place Market.

Google told me the skies were overcast for most of the year and it rained a lot.

“I can do that – it’s not snow!”

This would be my ticket out of the Midwest. This would be my ticket into corporate marketing.

---

For my 29th birthday, I decided to book a flight – I wanted to see and feel the energy of Seattle before I made a permanent leap; I’m a calculated risk kind of gal. 

The landscape from above heights in the plane were breathtaking – snow capped mountains, the rigidity of the terrain. The vegetation blossomed as we moved closer to small towns and bigger cities. I’m not an “outdoorsy” person by any stretch, but I can appreciate the beauty and importance of lush greenery and clean air.  

I stayed at the famous Green Tortoise Hostel downtown. The patrons at the hostel were varied; travelers from all over the world passed through to stop and crash for a few nights.

The Green Tortoise staff treated us kindly, putting together tours for those that wanted to get to know the city at a more intimate level. I happily signed up and was given the chance to see the [once] popular and thriving neighborhood of Capitol Hill. Ride the light rail transit for the first time. Pass the Jimmy Hendrix statue in front of Blick Art Materials. Walk through Cal Anderson park. See a live band at the Cha Cha Lounge.  Drink a cheap Rainier Beer. Restaurants, bars, art, music – my Midwestern eyes were overwhelmed by the stimulation.

On the day of my birthday, the sky greyed over with a coat of wetness hitting the ground.  I got up early and walked across the street to Pike Place Market, finding a cozy spot at Storyville Coffee to jot down a journal entry:

2.25.17, Seattle. Happy Birthday!

“Today is my birthday – I can’t believe I made it out here. I can’t believe it’s happening. Seattle. 29. My God – I don’t know how to feel.  I’ve been up since 3:30am. Can’t sleep, my mind is racing. Can I move here? Start over? It’s hilly – driving would be a bitch. That scares me – I’m already a shitty driver. It’s so different here, but still a little familiar. Seattle is like a Minneapolis/Denver hybrid. It’s so far way from everything. I’m starting to get scared.  It’s also expensive here – everyone I meet, confirms the high COL.  

I met a guy last night on Bumble who just so happens to be from Iowa, lol.  The artsy type – he paints. Super liberal, friendly. When I first arrived on Thursday, I met this woman from Canada – she reminds me of [name redacted].  Bleach blonde hair, short, super chill. Great style.

The ambient music in this coffeeshop is fitting for my mood: somber. 29. Twenty-fucking-nine.  I can do this!  The fact of the matter is – I don’t have a choice. [Company Name Redacted] is headquartered, here.  If I want to get into marketing, this is the way to do it! I have to move.”

The skies eventually cleared enough for me to take a solo walk around Downtown, into Belltown. Ensconced between skyscrapers and a two-story Target, I watched crowds of people rush the market on a Saturday afternoon.

Trudging up first avenue on an incline, a chic French breakfast spot caught my eye – the line was long, but I didn’t care. After waiting for 45 minutes, I was let in to be placed at the bar area. An older couple sitting next to me, overheard ramblings with my family over the phone – they wished me “Happy Birthday” and extended a friendly gesture by paying for my food.

Seattle Skyline Featuring The Oh So Famous: Space Needle.

---

I came to Seattle with ideas about what wanted to accomplish. My little sister and I road tripped from Minneapolis - I knew no one. When she dropped me off my heart sank, fearful of doing this alone, but opened quickly to the endless possibilities of what could be.

I gave Seattle a good try. I did, but I didn’t accomplish any of my initial goals during my 3-year stay. What I did do, as cheesy as it sounds, is make lifelong friendships. Rediscover self and formulate redirection.

Here’s what I will miss: long nights dancing to 80’s cover bands and 90’s jams.

First Thursday Art Walks in Pioneer Square ▪ Friendsgiving when many of us couldn’t make it home ▪ Seattle coffeeshops ▪ Tinder date recaps with my old roommate and new girlfriends ▪ Metropolitan Market ▪ slow hikes among the countless trails of Washington state ▪ Beacon Hill ▪ my dance studio in Greenlake ▪ beer festivals and farmers markets. The local band scene and sing-along events.

Eccetera.

Circumstances surrounding my departure are sordid, long and ironic. I’ve recounted the story multiple times and don’t feel the need to get into it again.

2020 left its’ mark; the kind of reverberation that will last for a while. In this tense climate, many people have had to adjust and pivot - I am no exception.

The frustration and sadness that I had to leave so soon before planned is still there, but the realization around why it was necessary, is not lost on me.

Sometimes, life comes at you fast. Sometimes you just need to go home.

Mood Music: Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver

Socially Distant.

 

Home, Seattle, WA

* COVID-19 has put a damper on my coffee crashing. I’m social distancing by drinking my coffee from the comfort [and safety] of my home.

Although I am in Seattle [the original US hotbed of the respiratory illness], my family lives over 1,300 miles away in the Midwest. Unfortunately, I was unable to get home before the spread started; I would have loved to be with my parents who are embedded in a rural community.

At the time of posting, the virus has not impacted that part of the country in the way it has coastal cities, but I am still anxious; it’s only a matter of time.  Apparently, their strategy is more reactive than proactive - Iowa is one of 5 states that still do not have a “Stay At Home,” statewide order in place.

Me And My Lone Coffee

My family primarily works in the service industry where they either a) have continual contact with the public b) work in manufacturing in close quarters with other people – without a supreme sense of urgency, “loosely enforcing” folks to social distance, fall on deaf ears.  Some are doing it, most are not.

All three of my immediate family members belong to the high-risk health category for a number of reasons, so yes, I’m a little scared. Be that as it may, the privilege I have in this situation is not lost on me – I’m not struggling financially, I can pay the rent and still maintain the ability to shield myself from increased exposure.

My experience as a 3-year telecommuter has, in essence, “prepared” me for this moment. I have the tools to work both comfortably and successfully beyond the brick-and-mortar.

The personal adjustments come from having to deal with someone else in the home, simultaneously – I’m used to being alone during the day; there has been a disruption to my normal routine that has taken time to get used to.

I’m certainly not alone: a lot of people are dealing with spouses and children in shared spaces. It’s annoying at best and incredibly frustrating at worst. Then there are the jobs, lost. People have mouths to feed and bills to pay. The economy is crashing. Folks are tired, restless and stir crazy. We don’t know who to believe, who to blame.

When does it all end?  Seattle has a date to “open,” but does that really mean anything?  And what will stepping out in the world look like after  Corona?

Listen, I’m an introverted hermit – I can entertain myself for hours on end, but this is a lot, even for me.  I miss my friends, going to live show events, dinner and happy hours, taking in-person dance classes, working out [at a gym] etc.

We all feel the burden in varied degrees.

---

I belong to several stroke support groups on Facebook – when COVID concerns took off toward the beginning of March, many wondered how it would affect those of us who had gone through a brain hemorrhage.

Looking to the American Heart Association / American Stroke Association as trusted resource for stroke related information, most if not every article I found, pointed back to their website.

The American Stroke Associate has a Podcast episode on Stroke & COVID featuring Christopher Ewing, a Stroke Survivor living in California and Dr. Mitchell, S.V. Elkind, MD a Neurologist and stroke expert. The both of them shed light on a couple of concerns for us:

Interviewer: Dr. Elkin, are stroke survivors like Christopher at increased risk of getting the Covid-19 virus?

Dr. Mitchell Elkin: Yes. It seems like that's the case. Reports from China indicate that patients with heart disease and high blood pressure as well as the elderly are at higher risk of this virus, of Covid-19. And we think the same is likely to be true for patients with stroke. Probably because there's a lot of overlap between heart disease, high blood pressure, and stroke, so that's why it's especially important for people who are more vulnerable, like older patients or people with heart disease and stroke to practice physical distancing and hand washing and the avoidance of unnecessary interaction with other people who may be exposed, which is I think the kinds of experiences that Chris was just telling us about, when he went shopping and things like that. Unfortunately, it does look like there is some increased risk. We don't know exactly how much yet. We need to do more research particularly here in the United States.

Interviewer: If stroke patients do get infected, are they at a greater risk of experiencing more complications?

Dr. Mitchell Elkin: That also does seem to be the case. People who have underlying heart disease and stroke do seem to have a higher risk of complications. This may be because of an increased susceptibility to the virus, it could also be that the body in somebody who has had heart disease or stroke has less what we would call physiological reserve or the ability to handle any kind of illness. So a severe illness can make things worse. It's the same kind of thing that we've seen for many years with diseases like the flu, so that's why, for example, The American Heart Association and American Stroke Association have been recommending for many years that people who have heart disease and stroke get vaccinated against the flu. Unfortunately, of course, we don't have a vaccine for Covid yet, but the same kind of issue would likely apply.

---

I have a regular rotation of culture commentary podcasts that I listen to, each throwing in their 2 cents. Beside incompetent, unprepared leadership [fish rots from the head, no?] what is the more spiritual representation of everything going on?

Some believe that the world needed to stop: we were moving too much, too fast, too hard. The earth continues to rot – WE are the disease, destroying her with our negligent air pollution and other forms of poison.

Earthlings were given multiple warnings through increased natural disasters - we still weren’t compelled enough to change, entirely. The universe decided enough was enough and here we are.

When we return to walk the land, we can’t go back to how it was. We just can’t.

I don’t like the idea of telling people what to do in their time of quarantine: we’re in the middle of a crisis – everyone is going to handle it, differently.

But what does it bring up for you to be still? This is my world. There are many days after work I spend drinking wine and thinking. Eating edibles and Netflixing. Yoga. Chatting with my folks, wishing I was there. Other days I have ideas. Some days I put those ideas into motion – depends on my energy level and mood. Revising my [written] work, prepping for a fellowship [post on that later], social media management.

You can be productive, you can not be productive.

Do whatever will cause the least amount of harm…to you.

Stay safe out there.

Mood Music: What’s Going On? - Marvin Gaye

March Madness.

 

Fresh Flours

It’s March! Can you believe it?  The onset of 2020 has been productive in terms of writing; to briefly recap:  January into mid-February, I knocked out around 15,000 words, completing Part One of my story. During the last two weeks of February, I took a break to celebrate my birthday and relax.

Sidebar: my mother advised me that I should not have stopped my momentum, ha.

A little bit of construction never hurt nobody.

The kid was drained. Writing a memoir is exhausting - I cried a lot of tears, mentally click-clacking back through 2011 and 2012.

I turned 32.

It’s not a milestone year - I’m not making a big deal of it - but yeah, I’m a little bit older and hopefully a tiny bit wiser.

The improvement I continue to make is not a total surprise: the high of the new year is often a big push, propelling me forward into karate kicking the goals I’ve set. Most people feel similarly.

It’s keeping those goals at the forefront, year-round, that seem to be the hard part.

I find it helpful to create new habits – small things that I do daily or weekly that help in moving me toward my overall goal.

I use my insomnia as launching point:  oftentimes, I wake up at 4:00am, 5:00am – instead of laying in bed, staring at the wall like I normally would, I get up to start my day. I might do a quick yoga routine via YouTube, shower, make a pot of coffee and write some before work. I will typically block out an hour and a half before signing in, and chunk up to two additional hours after work depending on what I have planned in the evening: dance class, friends, cooking etc.

(Note: this works for me because I work from home).

I manage between 500 - 1000 words per day and feel pretty damn good about it.

On Saturday mornings, I get up between 6:00 - 7:00am, start my usual pot of coffee and write until around 10:00 – 11:00am.  I stop for a lunch break or a brain rest and start my second session around 2:00pm, going for another hour or so.

Sunday’s I keep for myself as a general “catch up” day: hair wash, grocery shopping etc.

I’m super excited about the structure that I’ve been able to put into place for the story: the way I’m organizing the narrative makes it fluid to write. Everything – as is true for memoirs – is in chronological order.

I’ve divided the events into parts:

• Part 1

• Part 2

• Part 3

There are certain elements of the story that I have left to finish for the end [as in, I will finish it during the editing process]. I keep it open because a) it needs further/intensive research –

When I start getting into the particulars of my stroke [the medical minutiae involved] I have to dig through a lot of my own documentation. I want to make sure I am using the correct terms, analysis and such.

The time for digging through that is not now – there are boxes upon boxes of paperwork in my closet when I’m ready.

I want to get the story out in full and fill in those details, later.

b) whatever I’m writing may be too heavy for me to process and ultimately interrupts the flow in a way that is disruptive to my creativity.

In those instances – there aren’t many in part one – I still need to work through them.

When I say that, I mean, I have to run it past my therapist. Writing helps, but so does she.

As of now, I’m moving around in Part Two. I created chapter outlines before my two-week break and have constructed a road map to follow. Chapters 6 - 12 are gritty, so I decided to start writing some of the more lighthearted fluff that begins in chapter 8.  I’ll back it up to 6 and 7 when I’m finished, diving into relationship rigmarole thereafter.

The dating stories I have to tell are edifying, depressing, sexy, heartbreaking, interesting and fun.  I had a very robust dating experience in Minneapolis and although every involvement cannot and will not be present in the book - only the ones of true impact and relevancy, especially since the book itself is not solely focused on my dating life - I think it’s important to  discuss the challenges that come from dating with a disability in your 20’s.

Spoiler: it makes you much more vulnerable.

The end of March signals the end of first quarter: with that, I can honestly say, I am very proud of the progress I’ve made and can’t wait to rev up for quarter two!

Mood Music: Hungry - Fergie Ft. Rick Ross