Running Late.

 

Intelligentsia Coffee | Chicago, IL

Welcome to 2023? I’ve had a busy winter season and it’s clear that you and I have a lot to catch up on. Let’s rewind a couple months to November – I owe you a NaNoWriMo update. Spoiler: I didn’t make my goal in 2022.

To be honest, my heart wasn’t in it this go-around. Life complications and seasonal depression have been kicking my ass. Listen, it takes a lot of work to maintain this blog—it’s even harder when you have a few wrenches thrown in the plan.

As mentioned in my last post, I’ve been reevaluating what I want to do with this project. While I’m still massaging my thoughts on it, I have enlisted a few friends for support as I get my proverbial sh*t together—guest posters who will help me keep this thing afloat!

Soft callout: if you are a member of the brain injury community and would like to share your written thoughts, words or experiences as a survivor [or caregiver], please feel free to reach out at nomadicaffeinesubmissions@gmail.com.

Having said all of that, I want to thank you for sticking around.

When I initially started this blog in 2016, the focus was more on the writing portion of my journey—it’s something that, for many years, I took pride in.  You can start from the beginning, here.

The desire to write something special stayed with me from childhood, but up until my stroke, it was difficult to find a clear way forward.

I decided to share my progress in terms of storytelling with both the survivor and the writing community, opting to cloak my personal narrative in a fictional format. I didn’t feel the need to have the spotlight on me. By structuring the book this way, I could create enough separation that would allow me to process everything that happened.   

At the time, I spent every Saturday or Sunday morning at a different coffeeshop in Minneapolis. My love of coffee [and coffeeshop culture associated with writers] inspired the name of this blog. The mood music element is based on my deep appreciate for music [thanks, Dad!]

Most of the time when I do the actual book writing, I listen to a mellow track or an hours long instrumental. Too much bass or catchy lyrics distract me – I’m pulled away from the story and into my own peripheral dance fantasies.

The characters were an amalgamation of several different people I knew in real life. I could fill in gaps using made up plot lines, essentially rewriting my story. Looking back to 2016, I remember feeling the buzz of excitement: I had a cadence and boundless optimism for what I was doing. It felt meaningful.

As I approached my 30th birthday, I found myself drawn to the jungles of Costa Rica. I spent a week at yoga retreat meditating in and around the Pacific Ocean.  I needed guidance on this project and the courage to change course.

I noodled on the decision for a bit, but ultimately decided to open the gates of vulnerability through storytelling in memoir form: a recount of my brain bleed from ages 24 to 30. The real deal.

In terms of the blog, when the pandemic hit, I could no longer visit coffeeshops—I thought my theme was shot. If I wanted to keep the blog, I had to pivot. My focus became #beyondthestroke: connecting with more of you on your journey moving forward despite having experienced a brain injury.

I made connections through social media and did interviews with survivors who shared their engaging and compelling experiences of reactivation.  These folks [myself included] have told their “origin story” repeatedly. I was particularly interested in hearing about how they restarted their lives and continue to flourish in the aftermath.

It is important to recognize that we are more than just our brain injuries.

Although these narratives are remarkably inspirational, even after a decade, I continue to grapple with finding my niche in this community.

Part of it could be seen as survivors’ remorse: you wouldn’t know if I didn’t tell you. Even in the absence of any obvious markers, I still face internal struggles – aphasia and general processing take much longer for me than most.

I live a relatively normal life, working full time in semi successful corporate career. I care for myself without a partner to rely on for support.  

I live as if it never ever happened.

I don’t have pictures of my recovery period to share, I no longer participate in medically prescribed physical, speech or occupational therapy and to be honest, I don’t view myself as “disabled.”

Because of this, I often wonder how serious people will take me.

I’m having a really hard time finding survivors who align with my story.

Running this blog is enjoyable, but it is a one woman show and can be overwhelming and quite frankly exhausting to do by myself.  

I’m hoping that in 2023, I can find a sustainable strategy to keep this project going. I’m hoping to find more people…like me.

Mood Music: Float - Janelle Monae, Seun Kuti + Egypt 80

NaNoWriMo 2022

 

Dark Matter Coffee: Osmium | Chicago, IL

My official first year in Chicago has come and gone. From personal experience, the first 12 months is almost always a little disorienting – particularly if you have very little to no network in your new homebase.

I am the queen of starting over; I understood what I was up against and knew there would be an adjustment period ahead.

Unfortunately, I was unable to participate in last year’s NaNo. At the time, there were other things that took precedent, however, I did manage to punch out a few really good interviews over the spring and summer months.

Something With A Little Ginger.

Between the excitement, the discomfort, and the isolation of being in a new, more diverse environment, my book project fell from top of mind. As I become more settled and familiar with the city [neighborhood and transit navigation, developing friendships etc], I have started to re-center myself.

This relocation has been emotionally challenging, but I’m back to give you an update and wrap up 2022 strong. The idea here is to become more aligned with this project while throwing some consistency in the bowl, ha. This is a one woman show – I do the best I can.

Cleary 2022 was meant to be a “growth” year for me.  My limits have been tested in multiple areas of life, siphoning my attention and draining my spirit. Through it all, I still managed to passively put in work, consuming audio versions of various memoirs and a lot of Brene Brown. I love Brene Brown. And self-help-y material that, although unrelated to the book project, has been helpful in prompting my return.

There was a point that I thought about taking a writer’s workshop through the University of Iowa to help get me back on track. That didn’t pan out – I was pressed for time [I found out about it, late] and processing [2] breakups. And looking for a new job. And dealing with housing issues. And acclimating to Chicago. And attempting to create community as a single, 30+ year old woman. And dealing with family.  And half-ass dating in a pool with pee in it.

But I’m glad you’ve decided stick around.

I always come back. Always. This is a passion project for me – I may set it down for a bit, live my life, explore, but I return with renewed perspective on how to interpret the set of events leading up to and the aftermath of, my brain bleed.

---

Here’s What I’m Thinking For This Years’ Go-Round:

I have to finish my proposal. I’ve been working on it since late 2019, then Covid happened and threw everything off. It’s essentially a 20+ page document detailing the book chapters and summary, attached to a marketing plan. Included in the document is a research portion I’m high-key dreading – a deep dive into the book audience: who am I doing this for? Why? Where are they? How do I reach them?

[Funny enough, I’m assisting with a research-based marketing project in my day job – I don’t normally do market research. The best practices, techniques, resources and tools are eye-opening].

But the spotlight is on the proposal. I really want to get this buttoned up.

The good part: I’m halfway there.

Good luck everyone!

Mood Music: It’s Givin’ - Latto

Back for Nanowrimo 2021.

 

Chicago, IL

It’s been roughly six months – I’ve missed you! I took the summer off of my book project to ‘get it together’ if-you-will.  Last time I wrote, I was at the tail end of an aggressive interview season, tooting my own horn for seven different companies (four to five rounds a piece), answering repetitive questions and participating in writing assignments for free (I will no longer do this, tuh!). It’s difficult for most neurotypical people to tolerate, let alone someone with a processing disorder.

When the rejections started rolling in, I spiraled into a depression.

I snagged this cup at the checkout line in TJ Maxx. They got me.

Straddling the fence between appreciation for the stability and my eagerness to leave having no where to go, left me despondent. I felt stuck.

My desire to pivot out had been long established: I tried to break away for two years but kept getting drop-kicked in the face.

After six ‘nos,’ one organization said ‘yes.’  I gladly accepted.

The industry sector I work in, is competitive. There are many specializations: content marketing, digital marketing, product marketing, email marketing, corporate communications, public relations etc. that often blend together.

It is a very teachable skill - we’re not doctors - but for some reason, other people couldn’t see it for me.

This was not my first rodeo: over the last 10/11 years, I’ve gone through several cycles or ‘sprints’ of interview stages for months on end. I thought I would be able to move within my organization; I thought they would be my ‘home’ company. I clearly thought wrong and grew very bored, tired and restless attempting to try.

Finally coming out from underneath a rock holding a new opportunity for advancement, gave me hope.

---

Further into to summer, I decided to have my tonsils removed; problems persisted in my throat that needed to be addressed. They had to go – it was a pricy surgery, but worth it.

The healing process took roughly three weeks before I was on to the next task:

“How am I going to get out of Iowa?”

The pandemic brought me back home and although it was wonderful to be among family, reconnect with childhood friends and dive head first into the best relationship of my life (so far), something unseen tugged at my spirit.

I missed the city life and decided to resume my 2019, pre-pandemic game plan to relocate to Chicago.

Needless to say, I’ve been busy. So busy, my book project took a back seat.

Between mid-June and August,  I wrote a few articles to get my feet wet again (you can find them here on my medium page) but the pang from pushing my core project to the side, whispered to me at night.

---

Nanowrimo is my time to focus. Instead of aiming for the traditional 50,000 words, I have a list of sub-projects to complete in preparation for the larger one – if you have been following me for a while, I’ve likely written about them:

1. Week One: Blog Updates
   Nurturing my reader base and interviewing survivors is fundamental in supporting this community. These are stories that need to be told. Please stay tuned.

2. Week Two: Edits My First 10 Pages
   Early in 2021, I submitted the first 10 pages of my book for review to a literary agent – she’s a seasoned vet, well versed in memoir writing. Her guidance and recommendations are necessary for making me a better writer. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to implement any of those changes.  Until now.

3. Week 3: Polish My Book Proposal
   At the top of 2019, I created submission packet for a fellowship in Seattle that included a book proposal section. The fellowship didn’t land, but I consider it a win regardless.  The proposal just needs some shining.

4.  Week 4: Just Write
   I have a few article ideas I want to start outlining for my medium page and other publication outlets. It’s time to bring those pieces to life.

In November I return to my purpose: more centered, more grounded, more focused.

Mood Music: Everything in its Right Place - Radiohead

#beyondthestroke: The Life Coach.

 

Indianapolis, IN

The internet has become an endless collection of information and networking that we have all grown familiar with. I credit LinkedIn as the source of my most recent connection – a woman by the name of Jennifer Chapman reached out when she saw the parallel between us.

I’ve had a handful of people on the professional social media site come forward as survivors: sales leaders, marketers, software developers etc.

I look at them beyond the fancy titles to see their humanity. Their fortitude and victories. Their struggles and tears. I empathize and understand how difficult it can be to navigate a corporate space [or entrepreneurship] in the face of a disability.

How Jennifer was able to make a career pivot after experiencing debilitating brain trauma in 2017, is especially encouraging to those who have similar stories; hers began as any other:

“As I was leaving the house after getting ready for work, I felt overwhelmingly dizzy and started to sweat profusely. A couple of minutes later, I called my aunt. My voice was changing, and it felt like my throat was closing.  I called 911 and got to the hospital very quickly.  The doctors were not able to diagnose my stroke for the first 10-12 hours; the first doctor just thought it was vertigo.  They finally acknowledged it was a stroke and I stayed in the ICU at the hospital for a week, acute rehab for 10 days and outpatient therapy for four months.”

 She had a clot in three areas of her brain that led to an ischemic stroke. Ischemic strokes are the most common of the stroke types, accounting for over 80% in the U.S. (source).  

For some, they are left with physical impairments; ones that are obvious to the eye - crooked smiles, curved arms, a limp walk, delayed speech - for others, it can be difficult to spot at first glance.

“The clot on the right side has affected my left peripheral vision. The spot in the back on my brain affected my voice, ability to swallow for a short time, and paralyzed a vocal cord – this can affect my ability to take deep breaths depending on what I am doing.  The spot on the left side of my brain, affected my entire right side, leaving me with sensitives to hot and cold.”

---

Jennifer’s personal road to recovery plan combined four months of physical, occupational and speech therapy on top of many trips to a neuropsychologist and neuro-ophthalmologist for vision concerns.

She would eventually take a step back from her high intensity, seasoned, often stressful sales career as revelations about her life’s purpose moved to the forefront.

“15 months post-stroke after seeing a couple different therapists, I was still not where I wanted to be mentally and emotionally. I hired a life coach for myself and worked with her for several months. The defining moment of finding my purpose and moving forward came from embracing the new version of me.”

Drawing from her own experience, Jennifer decided to branch out into something more fulfilling. Alongside her new work in home healthcare, she developed “Just Commit Coaching,” in 2020 - a life coaching business. Her credentials are currently in progress under the direction of Master Method Coach, Alyssa Nobriga from The Institute of Coaching Mastery.

I saw a similar revelation – it drove me to establish my own space for advocacy to build a community of support on behalf of survivors, particularly for young people with brain injuries.

What Jennifer has found most useful pursuing her coaching certification, is identifying internal roadblocks, acknowledging them, and realizing that those roadblocks exist to protect us.

“I help people figure out how to move through the roadblocks to be more efficient and productive.”

She finds most of her clientele via social media, local networking groups and often referrals who are looking to regain direction, feel discouraged or ‘stuck.’

Her stroke has been a blessing in disguise.

“It has given me tremendous perspective on life: finding gratitude in the small things, not getting swept up in the things that are outside of our control; filling my cup first is priority so that I can then serve others at my highest self. You have to want change bad enough to find and create change.  It is 100% mindset and attitude. Work within yourself to start seeing the results that you want.”

Later this summer, Jennifer will be taking part of a collaboration on inspirational stories and overcoming challenges. She is also a candidate for ‘Impact Woman of the Year’ for the American Heart Association of Indiana – that campaign started in February.

You can find more information on Jennifer and ‘Just Commit Coaching’ on IG @justcommitcoaching.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Freedom
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Chai Tea
Who/What Is Your Motivator: My Mom
What Balances You: Stillness
Favorite Color: Purple

Mood Music: Rise Up - Andra Day

#beyondthestroke: The TV Reporter.

 

Baltimore, Maryland

My parents had a career vision for me.  My mother, especially, saw a path leading toward television reporting. 

Or one becoming an attorney.

“You like arguing.” 

“I don’t want to argue for a living though, mom,” I remember telling her at 17.

I personally couldn’t envision a career in either direction. Luckily for them, a tv production course was required for my degree program. If I chose to continue down that track, my semester would need to be filled with additional production and journalism classes.

I gave it a shot (because I had to) and ultimately determined it was ‘no’ for me. I’m not an on-camera person. I’m more of a “behind-the-scenes” kind of gal. 

Although tv reporting was not my ministry, it was a great fit for former reporter and stroke survivor, Shannel Pearman, who initially had different ideas about what she wanted to be when she grew up.

“I went to college with aspirations of wanting to be a lawyer – that was my dream. It wasn’t until I took a journalism class in college as an elective and fell in love. I decided in that moment I wanted to become a reporter.”

She would go on to join Rutgers University’s tv station and after graduating, hustled to position herself as future reporter, taking various internships at news stations across New York City.

“I worked so hard to get a job as a reporter after college. While there are many exciting things about that line of work, my favorite are the interesting people you get to meet and having the privilege of getting to tell their stories.”

I’m reminded of my own collegiate journey – I had a high school music teacher who heard me singing in a local park. She took me under her wing, gave me vocal lessons and taught me the musical mechanics to strengthen my voice. This preparation led to vocal auditions at Wartburg College where I received a partial music scholarship to sing in the prestigious Meistersinger’s honor choir.

For the both of us, it was one event. One teacher. One class.

“Journalism was a field I never considered, or thought could be a career choice for me. The course ignited a true love for storytelling that I didn’t know I had.”

Shannel spent seven years in the business, recounting harrowing stories like the death of a 7-year-old girl who was shot and killed sitting in the back seat of a car and the murder of Baltimore detective Sean Suiter.

“It wasn’t all doom and gloom – I did a story on a young Carroll County resident who raised donations for Christmas presents to send to those in need and the Baltimore drummers who went viral and have been featured on the Ellen Show numerous times.”

---

Her life was set to move at a much slower pace with the arrival of motherhood.  In 2019, her son Jayce was born. She experienced a smooth pregnancy up until her final week.

“There were some red flags that were concerning – in a short amount of time I had gotten really swollen, gained a lot of weight and had a rise in blood pressure. I expressed my concerns to my doctor and was assured everything was fine.”

Still uneasy, Shannel went in for testing before being sent home. She was scheduled to be induced that upcoming weekend, but felt anxious that something wasn’t quite right.

“I messaged my doctor asking if there was any way I could be induced sooner - I was already passed 40 weeks at this point. Once again, I was assured I would be ok and that we were going to stick to the planned schedule. I ended up being induced after my expected delivery date. Thankfully, I was able to safely deliver my son via emergency c-section, but my body was clearly not ok.”

One week post-delivery, Shannel would go on to have a cerebral hemorrhage on the right side of her brain, affecting her left side vision. Records indicate that her bleed was due to “postpartum preeclampsia” – a rare hypertensive condition that skyrocket blood pressure and swelling after childbirth, leaving way for a stroke. 

“The signs were there and were ignored.”

All too often, Black women go unheard in the medical community - maternal mortality and injury rates continue to be higher for Black females, irrespective of income or education level (source).

“Inequality comes in many forms for People of Color, both here and abroad, but race-related health disparities are among the starkest and most resistant to progress. Being a Black female further amplifies these inequities, which is particularly troubling and ironic given the fact that Women of Color make up the majority of healthcare workers. Over the last few months, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought this unfortunate reality into even more clear focus, ” says Piraye Beim of endofound.org.

---

Included in Shannel’s recovery plan are the typical methods of rehab: physical, mental and occupation therapy. Specific to her, a low-vision specialist to help with ocular complications.

I remember going through a similar set of processes after my own bleed. I had a speech therapist to assist with the onset of aphasia – a language impairment brought on by brain damage. 

Motor disorders are not uncommon with survivors. On Shannel’s Instagram feed, I have seen many videos of her interfacing with the audience. Her speech is connected and consistent – you would not be able to tell unless she told you.

“I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am today. Most videos I create come with so much work: they require lots of edits, retakes and a ton of practice, even if the video is a quick 30 second clip. I love to talk, hence the reason I started a career where I spoke for a living, but now I struggle trying to get my point across. Processing information and even finding the right words can be very difficult for me. This was an issue I’ve known about for a long time - finding a medical professional to help me with my speech has been difficult.  During my recovery, everyone’s focus was my vision; no one focused on the cognitive issues that came post-stroke. These are things I’ve been trying to research and navigate. I’m hoping to get professional help in the near future so that I can try to get as close to my pre-stroke self as possible.”

I cannot tell you the number of job interviews I have gone on where my aphasia has disrupted the flow of the meeting. The assumption is that I am ill-prepared or worse, incompetent. It isn’t that I don’t know, but that I am struggling with word placement. This is another reason why written word has become such an asset and release of mine. It is much easier for me to write my thoughts rather than verbalize them.

As Shannel pointed out, it takes a lot of practice to get to a place of confidence with your speech.

“This journey will be a marathon not a sprint. You have to be able to surround yourself with positive, uplifting people that will help you along the way. There will be days that are rough - that’s when you turn to your village. It’s also important to always make yourself a priority; your physical health and mental health are so important. Finding a team of specialists who see you, will listen to you and get you all the help you truly need is valuable. I felt that many of my medical professionals didn’t truly hear me when I would talk or express concerns. After everything that has happened, I know how detrimental that can be. I am now working on finding medical professionals who truly understand the complex nature of being a stroke survivor to make sure I am getting the best care in all areas.”

As far as retuning back to work, Shannel is focused on caring for herself, her family and basketing in the joy of being a new mom. 

“I hope and pray that in time, I will at least be given the opportunity to try to get back out there and do what I love, but for now my biggest project is just recovering and taking care of my son.”

Shannel is an incredible woman with a remarkable story – this Black History Month, we not only honor her professional achievements as an Emmy nominated reporter, but as a survivor.

“Never stop telling your story. It’s an outlet to express yourself - you never know who your story is touching or who you are motivating and inspiring.”

You can find Shannel on IG @ShannelPearman.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Happiness
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Coffee
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Family
What Balances You: Jayce (my son)
Favorite Color: Red

Mood Music: God’s Plan - Drake

2021: Deja Vu.

 

Des Moines, Iowa

I’m not quite there yet.  The dawning of the year usually excites me. I look forward to new opportunities and continued growth. I’m available. I’m ready. I’m curious. I’m eager.

Like most, I start the mental prep work in December, reflecting on the past 12 months – what did I learn? What goals did I accomplish? What could I have done better? 

This year is different: I bite my lip. I shake my head. Hmph. I have running list of things in my mind; a floating docket to actualize in 2021 – most of which are items that fell by the wayside in 2020.

My Work Station.

They had to – I didn’t have a choice. Situations occurred that prompted me to move quickly and became much more important than what I initially planned.

We’re still in the middle of a pandemic. We’re still politically fatigued and socially askew. I tried my best to get what I could, done and gave the rest up in lieu of peace of mind.

Coming into 2021, I knew it would be more of the same for a while.

We thought - just for a moment - an incoming administration offered hope. It didn’t take long before we moonwalked back to 1940’s Nazi Germany in a way that stifle any glimmer of optimism.

People are truculent and implacable – we saw that the first week of January. It reminds of the 5 of Wands tarot card – everyone fighting to be heard but no one listening.

This post isn’t about the opprobrious details or my thoughts on such; you all know what happened.  It’s about the general malaise lingering in the atmosphere and how I’m attempting to push past it.

---

I felt ok during the holiday season – being at home with my family, helps. They are a grounding source of comfort. I’m aware of what I have going on [both personally and professionally] and felt motivated to start rolling out pieces in the new year.

I began taking notes here and there, putting the puzzle together. Reading more, doing spurts of research. As always, I aim to continue progress on the book – I made a few strides during Nano and want to reverse and clean it up.

I plan to get parts of the story critiqued by folks who know what they are doing and have the credentials to support their observations.

Blank Board.

I’m nervous to receive their feedback.  The current version of the book has been a W.I.P. (work in progress) for nearly two years – the project itself, for four.  I welcome the criticism. I need the help – I’m not above it. At. All.

But I’m still nervous.

In terms of the blog – nomadicaffeine – I want to bring you more interviews for the #beyondthestroke series. It was birthed out the pandemic to inspire. Survivors want to read these stories. They are yours. They are ours. I think it’s good, positive and productive for the whole of the community.

The problem is: I haven’t written any of this down. I have a top-of-the-year ritual, started in 2013:

I clean, I purge, I smudge with sage. I create a goal board, broken into quarters.  

Jan - March // April -June // July - September // October - December.

This year I have nothing. My board is blank. It scares me to build a draft – I got screwed last year. We all did. Even in 2021, there is so much that is still unknown.

I think I will attack it differently, using major themes to set my agenda; nothing too specific. I don’t want to give myself hard deadlines. I want to make sure I allow for flexibility.

Tumultuous as it may be, we are in a time of deep transformation.

Buckle up.

Mood Music: Dreamworld - Robin Thicke

#beyondthestroke: Joe, The Podcaster

 

Los Angeles, CA

I love podcasts – I listen to them while I work. While I clean. While I cook. Scroll through my Spotify account and you’ll see a handful of cultural, political, informative and spiritual podcasts, guaranteed to give an eargasm.

The idea of dropping in to hear a conversation, a hot take, to be enlightened or to laugh, appeal to my natural curiosity.

On the hunt for stroke resources, I came across Joe Borges, one of two hosts of The NeuroNerds podcast that has been in production for three years.

Joe has a bald head and an energetic, warm personality; always open to chat with fellow survivors. The thing I’ve noticed about this community of people, is the comradery and kindness.

He and his co-host Lauren started the podcast after meeting at a party, “I was sharing my story and this woman started staring. She came up to me and shared that she suffered a major concussion due to a car accident. Everything I was saying, resonated with her; we were dealing with similar things. We met for coffee and I realized that she was a huge nerd - we came up with the idea of meeting weekly to record a podcast to share our recovery journey. It started as a way for both of us to connect and heal, but turned into something much larger.”

Prior to podcasting, Joe spent his career working as a retail manager and a small business owner. Unfortunately, in the 2008 recession, he lost his business, later transitioning into consulting and music management.

The then, 39 year-old needed a creative way to process his emotions after suffering from his own hemorrhage, “I wasn’t able to go back to the way things were, so I needed to figure out a how to recover mentally – I needed a way to get all of the thoughts and feelings I had inside of me, out. Starting my podcast gave me a platform to share my healing process and move forward.”

Double Espresso With Joe.

Joe’s hemorrhage occurred back in August 2016, while out at a bar. His right basal ganglia ruptured, resulting in left side neglect that, thankfully, only lasted a few days. He still suffers from short term memory issues and tremors in his right hand. Like most, Joe completed a combination of both in and outpatient physical and occupational therapy to help get him back on track. The podcast as a creative outlet helps keep him focused, but it’s not without its’ flubs, “my memory is still the biggest issue for me. With Lauren and I, it’s literally the brain-injured leading the brain-injured. We once thought we recorded an entire episode but forgot to press ‘record.’ Having my girlfriend as the show’s producer has been amazing – she’s not only my caregiver but my handler as well.”

As a survivor myself, I understand the difficulty that come with accepting the new person, new challenges and ultimately, a new reality. The anxiety and onset depression from mourning your former life can attack your core, pushing you more off center. Joe found a way to climb out of the hole, regaining balance.

“I desperately needed a way to share what was going on with me, post-stroke. I was in a new body and mind. My podcast gave me that platform. My stroke gave me a second chance at life. I never really shared anything about myself before - I was always a very private person, but post-stroke, I’m an open book. I feel we all need to share, to educate the world and prevent others from going through what I have. 80% of all strokes can be prevented. My stroke was preventable. If I can help someone from becoming part of my community, all of this is worth it.”

In the times of covid-19 and civil unrest across the country, survivors are often put in a sticky position. Joe is doing his part by spreading a message of hope, particularly for Black survivors who are at the cross section. I was recently a guest on episode 114 of the podcast, discussing my personal experience with the pandemic.

“We do our best to stay current. When major events take place in the world, we take action. My podcast has a continuing series of interviews called Amplify Black Voices; I give Black brain injury survivors a platform to share what it’s like living in the world today.  We also do our best to interview fellow survivors as often as possible to get as many stories out there. Information is so important. Our stories are so important. We’re working to share the most current and best information that we can for the community.”

One of Joe’s favorite episodes is #57 [Emilia Clarke, SameYou.org and Imposter Syndrome Part 2], where the duo discuss the psychological effects that often come after a brain injury and actress Emilia Clarke, most known for her role as Daenerys Targareyen on HBO’s ‘Game of Thrones, ’ who experienced a brain aneurysm a few years back.

In episodes #40 and 41 [AVM Survivor Thomas Mejia Part 1 & 2] he helps a fellow survivor and close friend open about the struggles of recovery.  In episode #67 [Joe and the Valley Presbyterian Hospital Incident] Joe gets unfiltered about a traumatic hospital incident, resulting in PTSD.

“It’s deep and nothing like our other episodes. Trigger warning to anyone who tunes in.”

I listened to the aforementioned episodes and got teary eyed myself. Even through the tough stuff, Joe remains optimistic:

“Patience was never one of my virtues. I always want to do more. I was able to stand, now I want to walk. I’m walking, now I want to run. My outpatient therapist told me, after I continued to push, that I was going to harm myself. That I needed to gain patience. He said the one thing that really changed my recovery to that point: ‘you have to be patient or you will forever be a patient.’  I never wanted to go back to the hospital again, so I worked so hard at being patient. It was the best advice I could have ever gotten. I’m here and functional because of it.”

His therapist is right – it takes time to heal. Impatience, especially in the beginning, can be detrimental and often leads to harsh setbacks; it’s one of the lessons I had to learn the hard way in my own recovery.

“Life beyond stroke can be what you make it. We have been given a gift that most will never get: a second chance to live. We didn’t get that second chance to do the same things we did before. To stress and worry. To be angry and bitter. We survived to live. Life can still be difficult, but no matter how hard it gets, we are here. We made it. We are blessed enough to be here to experience it. Now it’s time for us to live. Truly live.”

Joe is currently working on creating the NeuroNerd Network:  a place for brain injury survivors to connect.

I am happy that I was able to find him – his presence, strength and enthusiasm for life is needed in survivor community.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success:  Waking up healthy, happy and content
Coffee or Tea: Double espresso
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Life & my community
What Balances You: Mediation
Favorite Color: Pink

You can check the out TheNeuroNerds Podcast on your favorite streaming service or at TheNeuroNerds.com. Follow Joe on IG @joesorocks

Mood Music: Otis – Jay Z, Kanye West ft. Otis Redding

Where Do We Go From Here?

 

Home: Seattle, WA

The ugliness finally came to a head in the post-Obama era: the popped zit and nasty sludge on the face of America is out in the open.  A combination of fear, anger and frustration are now front and center.

I’m not going to do an intensive deep dive analysis of everything going on; the entire world is watching our country as it implodes. If you are here, you are already aware.

The right combination of COVID, the economic fallout of a quarantine, the lack of leadership and uncertainty, sprinkled with deliberate injustice – a filmed, “snuff” video that saw a police officer in Minneapolis arresting a man using brute force, kneeling on his neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds – lit the fuse.

Enough is enough.

The Bad:

I previously spoke about COVID and its’ effect on survivors. The anxiety that it may cut closer to home, left me on edge; I was desperately praying it wouldn’t.

Iowa was one of the handful of states that resisted a full shut down.  I saw many of my former schoolhouse peers expressing concern with Gov. Reynolds COVID management or lack thereof.  

I come from a working-class background – most of my tribe would be considered “essential employees,” and either stood on the front lines or were furloughed. They don’t have the luxury of working from home.

Black people, working class and poor folk are on the battleground in the service industry and manufacturing. Stocking your shelves, checking your pulse, delivering your food items or Amazon orders. Building your tires, processing your meats, serving your food, providing you with live entertainment.

With increased exposure, I knew it was inevitable; the insidious respiratory disease found its’ way into my family. COVID has the propensity to trigger any underlying health issues – and unfortunately, it did.

As such, the past couple of weeks have been incredibly gut-wrenching, stressful, confusing and terrifying. I am 1,700 miles away in Seattle; it’s not so easy to hop on a plane given our current climate and my own health concerns.

I received the news mid-May. It is now June and my parents are in a stabilized place and doing well but I think about the subsequent effects:  what happens after they are cleared? What are the rates of re-infection?  Is my family “safe” now? Are we going to send them back into the petri dish? They are 56 and 62, respectively.

We are far from the wealth that could, at least partly, protect us and neither of them can afford to retire early. They have to work. I am frightened and rightly so. Without adequate, dependable leadership at the top, where do we go from here?

Americans are hopeless, depressed, no jobs, no money and my family, in particular is vulnerable: African American, over 50 with latent health concerns, which lead me to…

The Ugly: The World Is On Fire.

The murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis set off a storm of protests across the country, spiraling worldwide. This was not an isolated event – Black people have experienced the injustices and brutality of the police for years on end. Modern policing in this country’s southern states, manifested as a “slave patrol,” catching runaways to return to their “owners.”

We have always had a contentious relationship with law enforcement, however, this incident felt different.

What happened to George Floyd came on the heels of the death of Ahmaud Arbery, the young man shot while jogging and Breonna Taylor who was unlawfully shot in her home, as she slept.

There are countless others.

In the midst of a global pandemic, we rise, putting our lives at risk to express our fury.

Minneapolis, a city I lived in for 5 years, came through with a ‘one-two punch’ and I was proud to see it.

I heard complaints – people pushing back about the looting and rioting, concerned for buildings and things over bodies, “why can’t you do this peacefully?”

We have. It didn’t work. You are not hearing us.  Sometimes you have to do extreme shit to be seen.

A viral interview with author Kimberly Jones, breaks down the economic disparities that lead to the civil unrest. Looting and stealing are threaded throughout the fabric of America – did we conveniently forget how we got here?

The stress of being Black in a country that was not built for us to thrive.

The stress of having to fear for your life if someone erroneously calls the cops.

Job opportunities lost because of the hiring manager’s implicit bias.

Career advancement halted and given to someone with comparable or less experience.

Our ideas and bodies stolen and put on white faces because it’s more “palatable to the masses.”

Children not allowed to be children and instead viewed as adults.

High maternal mortality rates.

Food deserts. Red Lining. The list goes on. All of this is systemic racism and contributes to hypertension, heart disease and other ailments hastening an early and often death.

This is not something Black people can fix – we did not create the system.

What’s Coming:

Solidarity from the other side – I see the wave of protests filled with hundreds of White people and others. Corporations announcing their support of the Black community; I’m unsure of its’ authenticity – I sincerely hope and pray it is and that this isn’t something “trendy” people are hopping on because it’s good for their brand. Or worse: to placate.

My life is not trend. My safety is not a trend. My value is not a trend.

Yes, some of us are skeptical – we’ve had our hears broken time after time by this countries lies and quite honestly, bullshit. We’ve been in a physically, mentally, emotionally and financially abusive relationship with the United States since the moment we got here.

I’ll leave you with a quote from Amanda Seales – a cultural commentator, actor and comedian:

“We didn’t ask for solidarity, we didn’t ask for a Juneteeth holiday, we ask for legislation, we ask for you guys [white people] to make spaces in your financial realm to for actual growth. Animals evolve by learning what works and what doesn’t for their survival. In the world and its history of civilization…it has proven that it is best for Black folks’ survival to not simply just trust white words. We have seen so many times those words twisted and manipulated for the elevation of whiteness.”

Don’t just talk about it. BE about it.

Instead of mood music I’m linking a 1960 interview between James Baldwin & Nathan Cohen.

Resources For Donation:

• The Loveland Foundation for Black women and girls.

• Louisville Community Bail Fund helping to bail out arrested protesters.

Research local initiatives in your community to help defund the police.

Books To Read That Have Been Circulating [FYI - I’ve personally read them all]:

• “White Fragility” Robin DiAngelo

• “So You Want To Talk About Race”  Ijeoma Oluo

• “The New Jim Crow” Michelle Alexander

And lastly, this is a big election year – please, get out and vote.

Socially Distant.

 

Home, Seattle, WA

* COVID-19 has put a damper on my coffee crashing. I’m social distancing by drinking my coffee from the comfort [and safety] of my home.

Although I am in Seattle [the original US hotbed of the respiratory illness], my family lives over 1,300 miles away in the Midwest. Unfortunately, I was unable to get home before the spread started; I would have loved to be with my parents who are embedded in a rural community.

At the time of posting, the virus has not impacted that part of the country in the way it has coastal cities, but I am still anxious; it’s only a matter of time.  Apparently, their strategy is more reactive than proactive - Iowa is one of 5 states that still do not have a “Stay At Home,” statewide order in place.

Me And My Lone Coffee

My family primarily works in the service industry where they either a) have continual contact with the public b) work in manufacturing in close quarters with other people – without a supreme sense of urgency, “loosely enforcing” folks to social distance, fall on deaf ears.  Some are doing it, most are not.

All three of my immediate family members belong to the high-risk health category for a number of reasons, so yes, I’m a little scared. Be that as it may, the privilege I have in this situation is not lost on me – I’m not struggling financially, I can pay the rent and still maintain the ability to shield myself from increased exposure.

My experience as a 3-year telecommuter has, in essence, “prepared” me for this moment. I have the tools to work both comfortably and successfully beyond the brick-and-mortar.

The personal adjustments come from having to deal with someone else in the home, simultaneously – I’m used to being alone during the day; there has been a disruption to my normal routine that has taken time to get used to.

I’m certainly not alone: a lot of people are dealing with spouses and children in shared spaces. It’s annoying at best and incredibly frustrating at worst. Then there are the jobs, lost. People have mouths to feed and bills to pay. The economy is crashing. Folks are tired, restless and stir crazy. We don’t know who to believe, who to blame.

When does it all end?  Seattle has a date to “open,” but does that really mean anything?  And what will stepping out in the world look like after  Corona?

Listen, I’m an introverted hermit – I can entertain myself for hours on end, but this is a lot, even for me.  I miss my friends, going to live show events, dinner and happy hours, taking in-person dance classes, working out [at a gym] etc.

We all feel the burden in varied degrees.

---

I belong to several stroke support groups on Facebook – when COVID concerns took off toward the beginning of March, many wondered how it would affect those of us who had gone through a brain hemorrhage.

Looking to the American Heart Association / American Stroke Association as trusted resource for stroke related information, most if not every article I found, pointed back to their website.

The American Stroke Associate has a Podcast episode on Stroke & COVID featuring Christopher Ewing, a Stroke Survivor living in California and Dr. Mitchell, S.V. Elkind, MD a Neurologist and stroke expert. The both of them shed light on a couple of concerns for us:

Interviewer: Dr. Elkin, are stroke survivors like Christopher at increased risk of getting the Covid-19 virus?

Dr. Mitchell Elkin: Yes. It seems like that's the case. Reports from China indicate that patients with heart disease and high blood pressure as well as the elderly are at higher risk of this virus, of Covid-19. And we think the same is likely to be true for patients with stroke. Probably because there's a lot of overlap between heart disease, high blood pressure, and stroke, so that's why it's especially important for people who are more vulnerable, like older patients or people with heart disease and stroke to practice physical distancing and hand washing and the avoidance of unnecessary interaction with other people who may be exposed, which is I think the kinds of experiences that Chris was just telling us about, when he went shopping and things like that. Unfortunately, it does look like there is some increased risk. We don't know exactly how much yet. We need to do more research particularly here in the United States.

Interviewer: If stroke patients do get infected, are they at a greater risk of experiencing more complications?

Dr. Mitchell Elkin: That also does seem to be the case. People who have underlying heart disease and stroke do seem to have a higher risk of complications. This may be because of an increased susceptibility to the virus, it could also be that the body in somebody who has had heart disease or stroke has less what we would call physiological reserve or the ability to handle any kind of illness. So a severe illness can make things worse. It's the same kind of thing that we've seen for many years with diseases like the flu, so that's why, for example, The American Heart Association and American Stroke Association have been recommending for many years that people who have heart disease and stroke get vaccinated against the flu. Unfortunately, of course, we don't have a vaccine for Covid yet, but the same kind of issue would likely apply.

---

I have a regular rotation of culture commentary podcasts that I listen to, each throwing in their 2 cents. Beside incompetent, unprepared leadership [fish rots from the head, no?] what is the more spiritual representation of everything going on?

Some believe that the world needed to stop: we were moving too much, too fast, too hard. The earth continues to rot – WE are the disease, destroying her with our negligent air pollution and other forms of poison.

Earthlings were given multiple warnings through increased natural disasters - we still weren’t compelled enough to change, entirely. The universe decided enough was enough and here we are.

When we return to walk the land, we can’t go back to how it was. We just can’t.

I don’t like the idea of telling people what to do in their time of quarantine: we’re in the middle of a crisis – everyone is going to handle it, differently.

But what does it bring up for you to be still? This is my world. There are many days after work I spend drinking wine and thinking. Eating edibles and Netflixing. Yoga. Chatting with my folks, wishing I was there. Other days I have ideas. Some days I put those ideas into motion – depends on my energy level and mood. Revising my [written] work, prepping for a fellowship [post on that later], social media management.

You can be productive, you can not be productive.

Do whatever will cause the least amount of harm…to you.

Stay safe out there.

Mood Music: What’s Going On? - Marvin Gaye