Running Late.

 

Intelligentsia Coffee | Chicago, IL

Welcome to 2023? I’ve had a busy winter season and it’s clear that you and I have a lot to catch up on. Let’s rewind a couple months to November – I owe you a NaNoWriMo update. Spoiler: I didn’t make my goal in 2022.

To be honest, my heart wasn’t in it this go-around. Life complications and seasonal depression have been kicking my ass. Listen, it takes a lot of work to maintain this blog—it’s even harder when you have a few wrenches thrown in the plan.

As mentioned in my last post, I’ve been reevaluating what I want to do with this project. While I’m still massaging my thoughts on it, I have enlisted a few friends for support as I get my proverbial sh*t together—guest posters who will help me keep this thing afloat!

Soft callout: if you are a member of the brain injury community and would like to share your written thoughts, words or experiences as a survivor [or caregiver], please feel free to reach out at nomadicaffeinesubmissions@gmail.com.

Having said all of that, I want to thank you for sticking around.

When I initially started this blog in 2016, the focus was more on the writing portion of my journey—it’s something that, for many years, I took pride in.  You can start from the beginning, here.

The desire to write something special stayed with me from childhood, but up until my stroke, it was difficult to find a clear way forward.

I decided to share my progress in terms of storytelling with both the survivor and the writing community, opting to cloak my personal narrative in a fictional format. I didn’t feel the need to have the spotlight on me. By structuring the book this way, I could create enough separation that would allow me to process everything that happened.   

At the time, I spent every Saturday or Sunday morning at a different coffeeshop in Minneapolis. My love of coffee [and coffeeshop culture associated with writers] inspired the name of this blog. The mood music element is based on my deep appreciate for music [thanks, Dad!]

Most of the time when I do the actual book writing, I listen to a mellow track or an hours long instrumental. Too much bass or catchy lyrics distract me – I’m pulled away from the story and into my own peripheral dance fantasies.

The characters were an amalgamation of several different people I knew in real life. I could fill in gaps using made up plot lines, essentially rewriting my story. Looking back to 2016, I remember feeling the buzz of excitement: I had a cadence and boundless optimism for what I was doing. It felt meaningful.

As I approached my 30th birthday, I found myself drawn to the jungles of Costa Rica. I spent a week at yoga retreat meditating in and around the Pacific Ocean.  I needed guidance on this project and the courage to change course.

I noodled on the decision for a bit, but ultimately decided to open the gates of vulnerability through storytelling in memoir form: a recount of my brain bleed from ages 24 to 30. The real deal.

In terms of the blog, when the pandemic hit, I could no longer visit coffeeshops—I thought my theme was shot. If I wanted to keep the blog, I had to pivot. My focus became #beyondthestroke: connecting with more of you on your journey moving forward despite having experienced a brain injury.

I made connections through social media and did interviews with survivors who shared their engaging and compelling experiences of reactivation.  These folks [myself included] have told their “origin story” repeatedly. I was particularly interested in hearing about how they restarted their lives and continue to flourish in the aftermath.

It is important to recognize that we are more than just our brain injuries.

Although these narratives are remarkably inspirational, even after a decade, I continue to grapple with finding my niche in this community.

Part of it could be seen as survivors’ remorse: you wouldn’t know if I didn’t tell you. Even in the absence of any obvious markers, I still face internal struggles – aphasia and general processing take much longer for me than most.

I live a relatively normal life, working full time in semi successful corporate career. I care for myself without a partner to rely on for support.  

I live as if it never ever happened.

I don’t have pictures of my recovery period to share, I no longer participate in medically prescribed physical, speech or occupational therapy and to be honest, I don’t view myself as “disabled.”

Because of this, I often wonder how serious people will take me.

I’m having a really hard time finding survivors who align with my story.

Running this blog is enjoyable, but it is a one woman show and can be overwhelming and quite frankly exhausting to do by myself.  

I’m hoping that in 2023, I can find a sustainable strategy to keep this project going. I’m hoping to find more people…like me.

Mood Music: Float - Janelle Monae, Seun Kuti + Egypt 80

NaNoWriMo 2022

 

Dark Matter Coffee: Osmium | Chicago, IL

My official first year in Chicago has come and gone. From personal experience, the first 12 months is almost always a little disorienting – particularly if you have very little to no network in your new homebase.

I am the queen of starting over; I understood what I was up against and knew there would be an adjustment period ahead.

Unfortunately, I was unable to participate in last year’s NaNo. At the time, there were other things that took precedent, however, I did manage to punch out a few really good interviews over the spring and summer months.

Something With A Little Ginger.

Between the excitement, the discomfort, and the isolation of being in a new, more diverse environment, my book project fell from top of mind. As I become more settled and familiar with the city [neighborhood and transit navigation, developing friendships etc], I have started to re-center myself.

This relocation has been emotionally challenging, but I’m back to give you an update and wrap up 2022 strong. The idea here is to become more aligned with this project while throwing some consistency in the bowl, ha. This is a one woman show – I do the best I can.

Cleary 2022 was meant to be a “growth” year for me.  My limits have been tested in multiple areas of life, siphoning my attention and draining my spirit. Through it all, I still managed to passively put in work, consuming audio versions of various memoirs and a lot of Brene Brown. I love Brene Brown. And self-help-y material that, although unrelated to the book project, has been helpful in prompting my return.

There was a point that I thought about taking a writer’s workshop through the University of Iowa to help get me back on track. That didn’t pan out – I was pressed for time [I found out about it, late] and processing [2] breakups. And looking for a new job. And dealing with housing issues. And acclimating to Chicago. And attempting to create community as a single, 30+ year old woman. And dealing with family.  And half-ass dating in a pool with pee in it.

But I’m glad you’ve decided stick around.

I always come back. Always. This is a passion project for me – I may set it down for a bit, live my life, explore, but I return with renewed perspective on how to interpret the set of events leading up to and the aftermath of, my brain bleed.

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Here’s What I’m Thinking For This Years’ Go-Round:

I have to finish my proposal. I’ve been working on it since late 2019, then Covid happened and threw everything off. It’s essentially a 20+ page document detailing the book chapters and summary, attached to a marketing plan. Included in the document is a research portion I’m high-key dreading – a deep dive into the book audience: who am I doing this for? Why? Where are they? How do I reach them?

[Funny enough, I’m assisting with a research-based marketing project in my day job – I don’t normally do market research. The best practices, techniques, resources and tools are eye-opening].

But the spotlight is on the proposal. I really want to get this buttoned up.

The good part: I’m halfway there.

Good luck everyone!

Mood Music: It’s Givin’ - Latto

Catching the Curveball.

 

Kingston, Ontario, Canada

When I think of candles, I immediately think relaxation. I’m reminded of a quintessential, almost clichéd scene: a woman at ease, bathing.

She sinks into massive bubble cloud with the lights dim in the background.  Her tub is surrounded by a barrage of colorful candles - the scents blend together, poking through each of her nostrils.

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Growing up, candles were the added cherry on top in my household – a bonus for a day spent cleaning: we’d straighten up the living room, take the dog out for a walk, vacuum, do the dishes and fold the laundry. The fragrance from a lit candle, signaled a job-well-done.

My memory says it’s dusk on a warm country night in nowheresville, Iowa by the time we finish.  I stay here for a minute. My mother is in the kitchen cutting vegetables, preparing dinner – powerful food aromas fight against the floral stagnation in the air.

The mixture is a smell I love and will never forget.

Coming back to reality, I travel further north outside the states where I meet Rhian Jansen, a candle maker in Kingston, Ontario, Canada. Rhian’s been in the business of making candles for 7 years selling through her e-commerce store, rhicreations.com.

Her favorite concoction is a comingling of sweet and subtle.

“The first scent combo I ever created was Vanilla & Sweet Grass.  I’ve always been a huge fan of sarcasm and witty banter so naturally that’s the direction I took with my branding.  I call this candle ‘The Middle Child’…and of course, I’m a middle child.”

Always crafty, she’s been making ‘something out of nothing’ for as long as she can remember. Rhian’s background in the beauty and fashion industry helped keep her aligned with a home goods aesthetic, offering complementary pieces for home and spa décor.

Her and I connected over my guest episode of the NeuroNerds podcast; I wanted to share her story about the impact of her recent brain bleed on her small business.

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In the middle of a global pandemic, Rhian became a member of the survivor club. An AVM [arteriovenous malformation] at the top right of her brain, bled, leading to paralysis of her entire left side. She spent a total of seven weeks hospitalized: two in-patient and five undergoing rehab.

Having the capacity to move forward in business under such unexpected physical and mental duress is challenging. Although medical insurance is a hot button issue in the US, most employers offer disability coverage: at the highest level, you are granted a ‘leave of absence’ to recover and a percentage of your income, in the interim.

During the time of my bleed, I was employed at an environmental engineering firm. I took three months of disability for treatment while receiving 60% of my paycheck. For an independent business owner, things can look a little different, particularly in another country.  

A year and some change out, she has had to make adjustments to accommodate the new version of herself; her energy and stamina can be limited – a common fallout among survivors.

“I give myself 2–3-hour windows to work; I set a timer and force myself to stop when it goes off.  It’s always a double edge sword: if I’m still feeling good cognitively, I get physical fatigue or vice-versa.”

She suggests adjusting your expectations upon returning to work; expecting the same outcomes as before only lead to disappointment and frustration. Life post bleed ebbs and flows – you have good days, ok days and really bad days.  The trick is to slow down and give yourself grace.

“Really learn to be in-tune with your body and listen to the cues it gives you. Don’t force anything.  I’ve also found a lot of comfort through alternative therapies like acupuncture and reiki.”

I remember diving head first into yoga after my treatment. I needed something that was accessible to me that I could use on a regular basis.  Slow flow vinyasa centered my breathing and stretched the stiff muscles I acquired from being bed ridden. It gave me something to focus and concentrate on, improving my overall balance.

“I never fully knew what being your own advocate meant until I was put in this situation where it was crucial to be one.”

I won’t lie: the road to recovery is tough; listening to your intuitive self will help guide you.

Check out Rhian on Facebook @rhicreations and IG @rhicreations_.

Fast5 Facts:

Define Success: Happiness
Coffee or Tea of Choice: Oat Vanilla Latte or a London Fog (depends on the day)
Who/What Is Your Motivator: Happiness
What Balances You: Boundaries
Favorite Color: (Forest) Green

Mood Music: Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall