Nanowrimo and Renaissance Reflections.

In the spirit of NaNoWriMo, I dedicated time to finalizing a personal essay I’d been working on for roughly two months. If you’re unfamiliar with NaNoWriMo, you can find past posts, here.

This piece deviates from my usual stroke related content but I believe many of you will resonate.  While I make mention of my stroke experience in the essay, it’s not the primary focus, instead, I speak to the influence of Beyonce’s ‘Renaissance’ album and how her music has impacted my healing process.

I’m not here to prescribe what anyone should do, but rather, share what I did—a raw and occasionally somber look at my personal journey.

I provided a brief excerpt below; full essay is available on my Medium page.

I’ll be back soon with a wrap-up!

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Break Ups, Breakthroughs and Beyoncé
How Queen Bey Pushed Me Through My Personal Renaissance

I hadn’t felt the weight of an album in years—the personal significance of ‘Renaissance’ went beyond the divine. There was something uniquely hopeful, energetic, and aligned in the music. Right place, right time.

 At its release, ‘Renaissance’ helped propel an almost 2-year healing journey I started in February 2022 after being swept up in a whirlwind love bomb. Although the details of the breakup matter less than the outcome, the onset sent me spiraling into a three-month depression – the kind where eating became optional—resulting in an 11 lbs weight loss on an already small-framed body.

My move to Chicago was meant to bring newfound stability; a liberating shift from a 10-year chase through multiple cities. Trying to find my footing in an unfamiliar environment clashed with the absence of an onsite support system while I was at my most vulnerable.

Those in my circle—family and friends—heard the story repeatedly; they helped fill in the gaps from a distance but there was something about this breakup that broke my soul.

The rose-colored glasses came off. Whatever mirage my mind had conjured up, faded. This wasn’t the first time I fell for the okey doke, but it would damn sure be the last.

READ MORE ON MEDIUM.

Running Late.

 

Intelligentsia Coffee | Chicago, IL

Welcome to 2023? I’ve had a busy winter season and it’s clear that you and I have a lot to catch up on. Let’s rewind a couple months to November – I owe you a NaNoWriMo update. Spoiler: I didn’t make my goal in 2022.

To be honest, my heart wasn’t in it this go-around. Life complications and seasonal depression have been kicking my ass. Listen, it takes a lot of work to maintain this blog—it’s even harder when you have a few wrenches thrown in the plan.

As mentioned in my last post, I’ve been reevaluating what I want to do with this project. While I’m still massaging my thoughts on it, I have enlisted a few friends for support as I get my proverbial sh*t together—guest posters who will help me keep this thing afloat!

Soft callout: if you are a member of the brain injury community and would like to share your written thoughts, words or experiences as a survivor [or caregiver], please feel free to reach out at nomadicaffeinesubmissions@gmail.com.

Having said all of that, I want to thank you for sticking around.

When I initially started this blog in 2016, the focus was more on the writing portion of my journey—it’s something that, for many years, I took pride in.  You can start from the beginning, here.

The desire to write something special stayed with me from childhood, but up until my stroke, it was difficult to find a clear way forward.

I decided to share my progress in terms of storytelling with both the survivor and the writing community, opting to cloak my personal narrative in a fictional format. I didn’t feel the need to have the spotlight on me. By structuring the book this way, I could create enough separation that would allow me to process everything that happened.   

At the time, I spent every Saturday or Sunday morning at a different coffeeshop in Minneapolis. My love of coffee [and coffeeshop culture associated with writers] inspired the name of this blog. The mood music element is based on my deep appreciate for music [thanks, Dad!]

Most of the time when I do the actual book writing, I listen to a mellow track or an hours long instrumental. Too much bass or catchy lyrics distract me – I’m pulled away from the story and into my own peripheral dance fantasies.

The characters were an amalgamation of several different people I knew in real life. I could fill in gaps using made up plot lines, essentially rewriting my story. Looking back to 2016, I remember feeling the buzz of excitement: I had a cadence and boundless optimism for what I was doing. It felt meaningful.

As I approached my 30th birthday, I found myself drawn to the jungles of Costa Rica. I spent a week at yoga retreat meditating in and around the Pacific Ocean.  I needed guidance on this project and the courage to change course.

I noodled on the decision for a bit, but ultimately decided to open the gates of vulnerability through storytelling in memoir form: a recount of my brain bleed from ages 24 to 30. The real deal.

In terms of the blog, when the pandemic hit, I could no longer visit coffeeshops—I thought my theme was shot. If I wanted to keep the blog, I had to pivot. My focus became #beyondthestroke: connecting with more of you on your journey moving forward despite having experienced a brain injury.

I made connections through social media and did interviews with survivors who shared their engaging and compelling experiences of reactivation.  These folks [myself included] have told their “origin story” repeatedly. I was particularly interested in hearing about how they restarted their lives and continue to flourish in the aftermath.

It is important to recognize that we are more than just our brain injuries.

Although these narratives are remarkably inspirational, even after a decade, I continue to grapple with finding my niche in this community.

Part of it could be seen as survivors’ remorse: you wouldn’t know if I didn’t tell you. Even in the absence of any obvious markers, I still face internal struggles – aphasia and general processing take much longer for me than most.

I live a relatively normal life, working full time in semi successful corporate career. I care for myself without a partner to rely on for support.  

I live as if it never ever happened.

I don’t have pictures of my recovery period to share, I no longer participate in medically prescribed physical, speech or occupational therapy and to be honest, I don’t view myself as “disabled.”

Because of this, I often wonder how serious people will take me.

I’m having a really hard time finding survivors who align with my story.

Running this blog is enjoyable, but it is a one woman show and can be overwhelming and quite frankly exhausting to do by myself.  

I’m hoping that in 2023, I can find a sustainable strategy to keep this project going. I’m hoping to find more people…like me.

Mood Music: Float - Janelle Monae, Seun Kuti + Egypt 80

NaNoWriMo 2022

 

Dark Matter Coffee: Osmium | Chicago, IL

My official first year in Chicago has come and gone. From personal experience, the first 12 months is almost always a little disorienting – particularly if you have very little to no network in your new homebase.

I am the queen of starting over; I understood what I was up against and knew there would be an adjustment period ahead.

Unfortunately, I was unable to participate in last year’s NaNo. At the time, there were other things that took precedent, however, I did manage to punch out a few really good interviews over the spring and summer months.

Something With A Little Ginger.

Between the excitement, the discomfort, and the isolation of being in a new, more diverse environment, my book project fell from top of mind. As I become more settled and familiar with the city [neighborhood and transit navigation, developing friendships etc], I have started to re-center myself.

This relocation has been emotionally challenging, but I’m back to give you an update and wrap up 2022 strong. The idea here is to become more aligned with this project while throwing some consistency in the bowl, ha. This is a one woman show – I do the best I can.

Cleary 2022 was meant to be a “growth” year for me.  My limits have been tested in multiple areas of life, siphoning my attention and draining my spirit. Through it all, I still managed to passively put in work, consuming audio versions of various memoirs and a lot of Brene Brown. I love Brene Brown. And self-help-y material that, although unrelated to the book project, has been helpful in prompting my return.

There was a point that I thought about taking a writer’s workshop through the University of Iowa to help get me back on track. That didn’t pan out – I was pressed for time [I found out about it, late] and processing [2] breakups. And looking for a new job. And dealing with housing issues. And acclimating to Chicago. And attempting to create community as a single, 30+ year old woman. And dealing with family.  And half-ass dating in a pool with pee in it.

But I’m glad you’ve decided stick around.

I always come back. Always. This is a passion project for me – I may set it down for a bit, live my life, explore, but I return with renewed perspective on how to interpret the set of events leading up to and the aftermath of, my brain bleed.

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Here’s What I’m Thinking For This Years’ Go-Round:

I have to finish my proposal. I’ve been working on it since late 2019, then Covid happened and threw everything off. It’s essentially a 20+ page document detailing the book chapters and summary, attached to a marketing plan. Included in the document is a research portion I’m high-key dreading – a deep dive into the book audience: who am I doing this for? Why? Where are they? How do I reach them?

[Funny enough, I’m assisting with a research-based marketing project in my day job – I don’t normally do market research. The best practices, techniques, resources and tools are eye-opening].

But the spotlight is on the proposal. I really want to get this buttoned up.

The good part: I’m halfway there.

Good luck everyone!

Mood Music: It’s Givin’ - Latto

Well Hello 2022...

 

Chicago, IL

It’s been a slow tap-in for the kid. Since the pandemic started, ushering in the new year hasn’t quite hit the same. Before I get into an overview of what I have planned for 2022, let’s kick it back to NaNoWriMo [November] 2021:

Yeah, that was a [kind of] bust; I made minimal progress on my book project. Sadly, it was my least productive run. I remember back in 2016 when I started: I was going through a breakup and as a country we were watching a ‘baby Hitler’ emerge but I STILL managed to push numbers. Last year was different. To be honest, a combination of general exhaustion with a sprinkle of ‘distraction’ made it impossible to focus on my goals. It wasn’t completely shot to hell - I did get some editing work completed - but 2021 was both physically and emotionally draining.

Because I didn’t get what I needed to get done for Nano, those goals have shifted their completion dates to Q1/2022.  Two weeks into January and I finally finished piecing together those sample drafts [first 10 pages] and have submitted them to the AWP conference ‘Author to Agent’ program to be reviewed by representatives from five different literary agencies. This was not actually planned – I just happened to see a post on IG in December about it. Their submission fee [in other circumstances, there is no fee to submit] required that I purchase a ticket [in-person or virtual] to the conference in March.  I sincerely hope that someone resonates with the story enough to reach out; it’s one that needs to be told.

Speaking of IG, I took a 3-week hiatus – again, part of the distraction – so I could simply, get shit done.

Don’t judge me! Ha. I don’t have a teapot.

For the first time since 2019, I did my goal board [remember last year? I ain’t even fill her out until, shoot, halfway through 2021]. It looks like Q1 and Q2 are going to be busiest for me in multiple areas of life. There are a lot of decisions to be made and as of now, most of everything is a giant question mark. Ew.

I’m currently in the middle of revising [heavily revising] my book proposal. Even though I have a semi-draft started from when I applied to the Hugo House fellowship in early 2020, it’s still very difficult to edit: I have to rework some chapter structures and review parts of the manuscript itself. It will need to be sent to an independent editor for review – one I have to pay for – and it ain’t cheap. I need a seasoned eyed to to glance over what I’ve come up with and add suggestions to tightened it up. I want to be as prepared as possible for when the time comes for me to go full throttle in the submission stage of this project. I’m following a blueprint I found online a couple years ago and am using my marketing skills from my day job to help me pull it together.

I’ve also been saying this for a while, but I’m actually going to get back to doing survivor interviews – conversations have been had with a few folks. It’s time [for real] to saddle up the horse. I have medium articles to revise, some to start, and a few to submit before March.

I’m hoping to be able to do a little more traveling this year [ugh, covid]. Maybe Minneapolis, Phoenix. Definitely Seattle - I miss my PNW friends and would love to break bread with them in person soon! I’ll take advantage of Chicago spring/summer events, starting from the bottom to build a network – it’s tough, but I’ve done it before. I can do it again. Lord.

Everyone keeps asking, “HAVE YOU MADE ANY FRIENDS YET?!”

I moved here late fall and we’re knee deep into winter so the answer is ‘no. I have not.’

And that’s ok. The alone time is nice.

Mood Music: Me, Myself and I - Beyonce

Back for Nanowrimo 2021.

 

Chicago, IL

It’s been roughly six months – I’ve missed you! I took the summer off of my book project to ‘get it together’ if-you-will.  Last time I wrote, I was at the tail end of an aggressive interview season, tooting my own horn for seven different companies (four to five rounds a piece), answering repetitive questions and participating in writing assignments for free (I will no longer do this, tuh!). It’s difficult for most neurotypical people to tolerate, let alone someone with a processing disorder.

When the rejections started rolling in, I spiraled into a depression.

I snagged this cup at the checkout line in TJ Maxx. They got me.

Straddling the fence between appreciation for the stability and my eagerness to leave having no where to go, left me despondent. I felt stuck.

My desire to pivot out had been long established: I tried to break away for two years but kept getting drop-kicked in the face.

After six ‘nos,’ one organization said ‘yes.’  I gladly accepted.

The industry sector I work in, is competitive. There are many specializations: content marketing, digital marketing, product marketing, email marketing, corporate communications, public relations etc. that often blend together.

It is a very teachable skill - we’re not doctors - but for some reason, other people couldn’t see it for me.

This was not my first rodeo: over the last 10/11 years, I’ve gone through several cycles or ‘sprints’ of interview stages for months on end. I thought I would be able to move within my organization; I thought they would be my ‘home’ company. I clearly thought wrong and grew very bored, tired and restless attempting to try.

Finally coming out from underneath a rock holding a new opportunity for advancement, gave me hope.

---

Further into to summer, I decided to have my tonsils removed; problems persisted in my throat that needed to be addressed. They had to go – it was a pricy surgery, but worth it.

The healing process took roughly three weeks before I was on to the next task:

“How am I going to get out of Iowa?”

The pandemic brought me back home and although it was wonderful to be among family, reconnect with childhood friends and dive head first into the best relationship of my life (so far), something unseen tugged at my spirit.

I missed the city life and decided to resume my 2019, pre-pandemic game plan to relocate to Chicago.

Needless to say, I’ve been busy. So busy, my book project took a back seat.

Between mid-June and August,  I wrote a few articles to get my feet wet again (you can find them here on my medium page) but the pang from pushing my core project to the side, whispered to me at night.

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Nanowrimo is my time to focus. Instead of aiming for the traditional 50,000 words, I have a list of sub-projects to complete in preparation for the larger one – if you have been following me for a while, I’ve likely written about them:

1. Week One: Blog Updates
   Nurturing my reader base and interviewing survivors is fundamental in supporting this community. These are stories that need to be told. Please stay tuned.

2. Week Two: Edits My First 10 Pages
   Early in 2021, I submitted the first 10 pages of my book for review to a literary agent – she’s a seasoned vet, well versed in memoir writing. Her guidance and recommendations are necessary for making me a better writer. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to implement any of those changes.  Until now.

3. Week 3: Polish My Book Proposal
   At the top of 2019, I created submission packet for a fellowship in Seattle that included a book proposal section. The fellowship didn’t land, but I consider it a win regardless.  The proposal just needs some shining.

4.  Week 4: Just Write
   I have a few article ideas I want to start outlining for my medium page and other publication outlets. It’s time to bring those pieces to life.

In November I return to my purpose: more centered, more grounded, more focused.

Mood Music: Everything in its Right Place - Radiohead

The 9th Inning: NaNoWriMo 2020

 

Des Moines, Iowa

I was hesitant about participating in Nano this year; 2020 has been, undoubtedly difficult.

Between the pandemic, social uprising, political brawls and general confusion, it was hard to full concentrate using a mind that has been bloated to endless fatigue with news saturation.

My creative impulses hit a wall just as my anxiety levels accelerated. The abrupt shifts that keep happening nationwide [and on a personal/professional level], make it hard to see a future.

I’ve settled into my temporary new home, but the reverberation from the summer madness still tickle my ears every now and again. The scramble to get out of Seattle had an impact and has forced me to introspect more deeply about what is to come.

Moving from a super liberal city with stringent COVID protocols, back to a red state whose Governor is “leaving it in the hands of the people,” doesn’t build my confidence as a returning resident – the number of fucks not given is both disheartening and dangerous.

Like most, I’ve been on autopilot heading into the winter, simply trying to get through the day. I noticed many writers are carrying a comparable attitude toward Nano…

 F*ck. I'm just tired. This year has been A LOT.

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I remember participating in Nanowrimo during the 2016 election. I was going through a breakup; the fluctuating emotions surrounding those events couldn’t stop me. I pushed through - read about it, here.

I'm doing it again in 2020 for similar reasons - an attempt to about-face that energy into something more productive. It’s not as easy as in the past; I don't have the same amount of vigor, inspiration or drive. I really, really have had to try this time. 

I'm not doing this out of obligation, I’m doing this because it is way to hold myself accountable. Simply put: making progress on my book helps me feel better; of the many things I have no control over, this is the one thing I do. Even if I get out 250 words a day, I'm ok with that. Even if I have to skip a day [or four], that's fine. “As long as it’s something,” I told myself.

For this round, I’m focusing on the years 2014 & 2015 [Chapters 9 & 10 respectively - this may change as I move along and do more editing]. These were damn good years for me – I was curious in my career and motivated in my recovery. I gleaned lot from the people in my circle: everyone was a tool used to understand more about myself.

I was bold and courageous – striking out on my own to attend MeetUp events, networking groups, social clubs, and dance classes. I talk about taking my life back and deciding to [both literally and figuratively] write my own story.

The desire to reflect on something lighthearted and exciting is not lost on me, given our current circumstances. I teared up a bit, reminiscing on the early stages of newfound girlfriends and former admirers. Shook my head at some of the not-so-boss moves I made during certain points of my career. That is ok. You live. You learn.

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In the beginning, I created a schedule to adhere to – it didn’t stick. I got wrapped up in the election melee, doom scrolling through social media and the endless commentary on the results. I wondered the possibilities and what this meant. Most of my anxiety was put at ease about a week after CNN made their final call.

Cool.

But then I woke up with a cough and a sore throat - the anxiety crept in again. My body was beginning to fail me in all the right ways, making it harder to concentrate on Nano goals and creativity. I needed to get tested to calm my nerves – luckily, I was cleared of COVID. Thank, God. I can rest easy.

This has been the longest month ever, the longest year ever and quite frankly, I’m glad it’s over [or about to be]. I will sleep for December and see you all in 2021 my friends!

Mood Music: Let’s Take A Ride - Justin Timberlake

I Didn't Forget About You, NaNo!

 

Broadcast Coffee

Halloween has come and gone, Thanksgiving flew by and now the dawning of the holiday season is among us.  You know what that means?

I’ve just completed NaNoWriMo 2019.

I’m happy to announce that I surpassed last year’s word count by about 4,000 words – my total this year: 10,025!

You can take a peek at past years results: here, here and here.

Getting better, right?

I had more drive and ambition this go-around which inspired me to make some serious headway.

I am dedicated to this book, this journey and those it could potentially reach on a more deep, intimate level. Myself included.

I also documented my journey via Instagram - public accountability helps to keep me going. When folks are blowing up the DMs asking how the writing is coming, I’m urged to push forward.

Getting Started.

I set an initial outline prior to the start of NaNo - pretty standard - with the goal of completing the first part of my book leading up to the stroke.

It was a lofty target for me, and I didn’t quite get there: close, but not quite.

The structure of my outlines contain snippets from the parts of the story that I wanted to flesh out.

In the context of NaNo, I did this so I wouldn’t be rewriting what I’ve already written.

More Context: I’m currently using Word on my work laptop; my personal laptop is slowly deteriorating –Scrivner is breaking down on me! I may have to refer to my own post about what writing software I might use next!

My job during NaNoWriMo was to fill in the gaps with stories that give the narrative more meat. Filling in the gaps meant that I had to evaluate which pieces to add in and which to take out.

Reliving those, initially thought to be, “easy parts,” is harder than you think.

I start recalling more “anecdotal throwbacks” that border the line of entertaining and dismal; sometimes the “easy parts” turned out to be a heavy load.

I’m saving the details of the stroke for last; I assume that this will be the most emotionally taxing and challenging part to write. You would think 7 years removed, I’d be locked and loaded. Although I’ve done my fair share of reflection, pieces of the puzzle are still tough to dig through.

There was a moment earlier in the week I just sat and laughed at some of my memories. The silliness and sort of “green,” half-grown thoughts of a 20-something made me shake my head.

It is an incredibly cathartic experience.

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When I hit a block, I take a “creative” break.  I might go on a Target run or hit up Starbucks for a Salted Carmel Mocha, breeze by a dispensary for some edibles – whatever.  Along the drive, I’ll talk to myself aloud to work out the details.  Full blown conversations wherein I am asking myself questions and answering right back. I’m sure I look like a nut from the outside looking in, but I cherish these moments. Alone.

Every year, I am amazed by how difficult it is to participate in NaNoWriMo: on the outset, I told myself I wanted to write, at minimum, 500 words a day.

Maury determined, ‘that was a lie’.

Life got in the way – life always gets in the way.

I am proud of myself – I’ll give myself a pat on the back for getting as far as I did.

Perhaps in 2020 we double it to 20,000.

Mood Music: Relaxing Jazz - Various Artists

Recalibrate.

 

Slate Coffee Roasters

I had to take a little hiatus at the end of October; it was unexpected. The initial plan was to complete a stellar NaNo – that was a fail. Whomp. NaNoWriMo kicked my whole entire ass in 2018.

I used the majority of my NaNo time, to do more organizing of the story [jotting down ideas and producing a sort of storyboard-esque vision] and less writing.

In terms of word count, the results weren’t great guys. I got up to maybe 2,000. Ugh.

I’m reminded, yet again, of NaNo 2016 – that fall I broke up with my toxic ex, America was set aflame and I decided to hug a pack [or two] of L&M Menthol 100s.  

Back then, I was able to push through; I needed a distraction from all of the calamity happening around me. NaNo was my outlet. If I recall correctly, 2016 was the first year I decided to participate. I wanted to prove to myself that my ex nor the incoming Commander-In-Cheeto could stop me. I came out strong – that blog post is here.

In 2018…not so much. Unfortunately, the attempt to reach my personal goal of 10,000 words was futile – I had way too much going on, including some health issues and the death of my Grandmother that made it difficult to produce. My heart wasn’t in it. My mind wasn’t focused.

Good News: after spending some much needed time in Iowa with my family, I feel a lot better. More relaxed, more inspired, more centered. I spent two weeks in the trenches of a rural encampment [well, not really, just my parents house, literally in the middle of nowhere]. Point is: no traffic, no lights, no sirens. Nothing but stars and cows.

Truth be told, I was at this coffee shop for my NaNo post back in October. O’well.

The first week of my stay was somber. Most of my paternal side was in a dismal place as we mourned the loss of Grandma Ruthie. Even now as I write this, it doesn’t seem real. You always think you will have people, until you don’t. I was sure we would have her another 10 years.

I miss my Grandma, dearly. She was widowed in 1994 when my Grandpa died of cancer. Shortly after, her mood switched; she was never quite the same. Ruthie was a cantankerous woman – I’m sure my natural irritability comes from that side of the family. She was also brazen, loved the outdoors and showed ardent fearlessness, having spent her young adulthood in a post-war, Jim Crow era when things were certainly separate, but nowhere near equal.

Grandma didn’t take no shit and could back it up with her quip-y comebacks.

She gave zero of the fucks.

Grandpa James was the only one that could soothe her – when he passed, Ruthie’s ruthlessness, worsened. She was angry with him for leaving and spent the next 24 years taking it out on everyone within a 2 mile radius. We loved her regardless, but Grandma was a very complicated woman.

In 2016, she was admitted to an assisted living facility and hated every minute of it. She had to be moved to different residences throughout metro Iowa. Ruthie was a difficult for the staff to deal with.

Sidebar: as an adult, I recognize that a large part of my personality comes from my father, which by extension, comes from her. Slightly neurotic, aggy, and almost always pessimistic. Except when I drink: at that point, I’m giggly and overly affectionate. I love to knock back a blonde ale or sip a super gingery moscow mule.

Ruthie was miserable and had, had enough. In 2018, she saw the eyes of her grandchildren…all 8 of us. And her own children too – including the one in Minneapolis who she fought tirelessly for years over things that no longer matter.

I honestly think older folk know when it’s time; they can feel it in their soul.

She died December 5th 2018. It was decided that her funeral would be held on her birthday – December 15th.

Blood red casket. Stylish ensemble with a matching church hat.

Get it Grandma! She wouldn’t want it any other way.

The weather was unusually nice – warm and sunny in mid-December. With the exception of the latter half of the second week [if you follow me on IG, you may have caught my little “incident” involving a rental car and a mud pit] the whole of my trip saw gorgeous, clear skies!

Week 2 was a little less depressing; the majority of my days were spent shuffling through terrible reality TV, attempting to find space to see friends and other family from my mother’s side…and Tinder swiping. My Dad had the nerve to ask: “So are you having fun with that?”

Ugh. Daddy?!

I digress.

Babies are no longer babies – we have high school graduates and a handful on the edge of entering those tragic years. Voices have dropped 4 octaves, hair is longer, boyfriends are now in the picture. Time is a-flying. My cousins who I remember as children are full blown teenagers! Acne and all, ha.

I miss so much of their transitions being on the west coast!

Now that I’m back in Seattle, I’m settling in to the new year with a new[ish] mindset – it’s time to get this show back on the road.

Mood Music: In A Sentimental Mood - Duke Ellington & John Coltrane

NaNo NoMo.

 

Cloud City Coffee

Well, my friends, NaNo has officially come to a close – I’m leaving this round with 6,638 words. That is +500 more than last year!

Whoot!

I managed to successfully get my ass up and write a little everyday [kind of  – I gave myself a “fuck it” pass a time or two].

Overall: I am proud of myself. I really am – as explained in last month’s post, I’ve been able to cover major ground with my characters and develop a structure that will guide the rest of my novel to completion.

Interior monologue narrative is notorious for being difficult to write - especially with so many characters – a “skeleton” [or frame] is absolutely necessary in this case.

Participating in NaNo has given me a resurgence of creativity – something I thought was lost for a while. I get excited thinking about the story that will unfold.

I get excited thinking about where this blog will be a year from now.

I get excited thinking about my role in being a part of this renaissance in African American art [tv, movies, music, literature].

#blackgirlmagic

We have major players in the forefront – the Issa Rae’s and the Angie Thomas’s - bringing new and interesting perspectives surrounding the African American experience that we have always known to exist, but haven’t always been able to share with the masses.

Inspiring? Absolutely. Keep in mind...

…this shit is very hard to execute. 

I know, I know. I bitch about it repeatedly: it’s difficult to balance everything in the middle of everything. You and I have had this discussion ad nauseam.

What about the times I don’t feel like it / don’t feel good in general / just want to watch Netflix / hangout with a new guy / grab a drink with the girls? The many times I’m too tired or my period comes and messes up my day or I get stressed about work can’t concentrate? What if I have no ideas? Or can’t get inspired?

Look, I don’t have any solid answers to those, other than: you have to figure out something that works for you. What keeps me motivated about this particular project is knowing that it is much, much bigger than me.

I can’t not do it. But I’m also not going to throw myself into an onset, early heart attack trying to do it. It will get done. Trust. It might take me 5 years...

Inside Cloud City: Getting My #writeon

*shrug*

Speaking of balance: I have taken on a new role  at work wherein, I have to do a lot of writing, editing and social media stuff during the day – my brain is typically mush when I finish.

Hell, I have a headache now.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing – it puts me in a creative state of mind. I’m sincerely writing every single day. Maybe not for the book, but I’m in the habit, ya know?

Unfortunately, I was unable to find NaNo friends to write with – life got a little too busy and for whatever reason, I couldn’t fit it in. Worry not, one of my carry over goals for 2018 is to find a writer’s group.

For real this time.

The month of November has been wonky: in addition to NaNo and my new[ish] job, I spent the whole of the month planning my solo birthday trip to Costa Rica in February!

#dirty30

So, yeah. I’m exhausted and incredibly geeked to return home to Iowa for Christmas. With all of that being said: I will be taking a break for the month of December to spend some much needed quality time with the family.

I’ll do more of an “intensive” reflection in my January post.

Until then, happy holidays!

See you in 2018!

Mood Music:  We Are The Champions - Queen

NaNo Check-in: Short & Sweet.

 

Green Bean Coffeehouse

I’m not really a fan of children, but I didn’t mind being surrounded by a bunch of nuggets at this coffee shop; I guess that maternal thing is sort of kicking it. A little.

If I were to have kids, I feel like they would be a bit too precocious – enough that I would find it both hilarious and sad: “You know too much” would become an infamous catch-all phrase in my household.

I digress…

I’m not going to give away my word count yet, just know that NaNo has been working in my favor.  What I will say, is that I’ve been very consistent in writing 200+ words every single day – I’m happy.

Sticking to my gym schedule? Not so much.

I swear, this balance mumbo-jumbo… as soon as one thing is up, something else suffers.

It’s difficult to keep all of the balls in the air!

I get off work around 4:30/5 and it’s dark and damp -- that does absolutely nothing in terms of my motivation to leave the house.

Instead, I’m exhausted from the day. Total brain fry. My body would much rather stay within the warm comforts of my bed, streaming VH1 and Bravo TV fall fuckery. And Netflix. Netflix is always good.

My mood is typically: Ugh. Girl. Nah.

I want to finish out the month strong and head back to gym – no excuses!

Most of my writing is done in the wee hours of the morning. Much like last year, I’m definitely getting the majority of my scribbles in between 5:30-7am.

I guess I really am a “morning writer”, huh?

Outside Green Bean 

This time around is a tad bit easier because I don’t actually have to get dressed and go in to an office – I’m a remote employee, so I literally just walk to the kitchen and sign on for work haha.

Speaking of: I recently started on a new project team – it’s going great, but definitely adds to my mental fatigue.

In the two weeks since NaNo began, I have been able to establish some sort of organization to the story – I feel good about the overall arrangement.

Basically: I have a better understanding of where the story is going. This, my friends, is good.

I’m connecting more with my characters and their individual adventures.  I’m hitting solid flows.

I have found ways to dig into the guts of who these woman are; the pieces are slowly coming together. As Auntie Oprah says, I’m having ‘aha’ moments.

I’ll be honest, the dialogue could use some polishing when reading it back; that’s ok. There will be time for editing, later.

Oh, I finally finished that daggone bar scene! I even have ideas about another storyline to extend from there.

I have yet to come across a NaNo group meeting –  I’ll look more heavily into that, toward the end of the month.

It would be wonderful to collaborate, network or maybe get some feedback from other writer’s in the area.

Look, it ain’t over yet – keep writing!

Let’s. Go. NaN-O!

Mood Music: Electric Lady - Janelle Monae

Discipline: A Worksheet Style Presentation.

 

Cafe Lulu

Sorry guys! I got really sick earlier this month, so I had to skip the first post! Eek!

In a previous blog post, I touch on specific writing goals I had for myself. Unfortunately, I have been short on delivering.

Look, life happens. This is difficult. I have to figure out a way to maintain my writing goals, which are incredibly important to me, while trying not bash my head in the wall from other on goings.

I want to dive into mastering self-discipline: as someone who is an unorganized hotmess, it can be a struggle for me. 

Although: I was organized enough to move half-cross country; I took calculated steps to save money, find a suitable roommate after 2 fell through, confront [or..begin to confront] some of the emotional baggage I would be leaving behind and make it happen.

What does this mean? 

When I want to do it, I'll do it.

Living in Seattle has been…whatever. It isn’t exactly what I would have imagined it to be, but I don’t regret it. Perhaps I was a little naive, but I digress...

You know, I know, we know that I have mental blocks that stop me from achieving my creative writing #goals. Ugh.

Maintaining an overall schedule will give me the kind of success I desire.

In my search for substantial resources, I found an awesome blog, written by Adam Sicinski, Director of IQ Matrix.

His website is dedicated to condensing complex self-help principles into easy, digestible mind maps.

Self-discipline as he defines it is:

“…your ability to control your desires and impulses to stay focused on what needs to get done to successfully achieve that goal. As such, self-discipline involves committing to long-term gains without falling prey to instant gratification along the way,” [The Complete Guide On How To Develop Focused Self-Discipline].

In this particular post, I wanted to present his worksheet style questionnaire.

Even though it may read cheeky at times, I write it with the purest of intentions.

Inside Cafe Lulu

The Self Discipline Process

Step 1: Define What You Want:

What is it that I want to do, be, have or achieve?

I want to write a novel [this is the main objective].

What new habit would I like to develop?

To write consistently. For NaNo, I’m pledging 200 words a day. This may seem small, but for me this is a challenge. I’m sure there will be days when I exceed well passed 200 words and others where I barely make it. My hope is that this trend – in some capacity – continues beyond NaNo.

What behavior would I like to change?

Inability to focus is a big one: I get sidetrack/distracted very easily. Things won't get completed or I end up mismanaging my time.

What is the one thing that I want to focus on in this moment?

Making a plan and sticking to it.

Step 2: Describe the Changes Required:

Ask yourself:

What specific behaviors will I need to cultivate to achieve this goal?

I have to be able to push past the fatigue and excuses to find space to write.

What specific habits will I need to adopt to achieve this goal?

I’m going to need the energy – physical and mental – which means I have to adopt healthy and continuous eating and exercise regimens.

[Some of this, I’m currently doing].

Step 3: Find Role Models:

[I’m not here yet].

Step 4: Identify Obstacles:

Given my goal, what obstacles could stand in my way?

My own lethargy. Fear. I think for most people in a creative field, vulnerability is a big concern; you're putting your work out there for the masses to critique, judge and potentially destroy.

What specific things could sidetrack me along my journey?

Alcohol. Men [I mean, let’s be real]. Social Media. Laziness and depression. FOMO. Netflix. HBOGo.

Why specifically do I want to achieve this goal?

This story needs to be told – I have an interesting perspective. It is something that has weighed on my chest for a long time; I have to get it out. It is cathartic. And therapeutic.

Why specifically do I want to develop this habit?

To write consistently will make me a better writer: period. 

Why is this of primary importance for me right now?

I don’t have a legitimate excuse not to do it. I don’t want to live with regret and I sincerely want to share this story. It’s beneficial for my personal writing goals [the novel] and for my professional corporate career. It will enhance my overall communication skills.

Why do I really want this in my life?

I think it’s important, because for so long, I’ve felt misunderstood. The manuscript is fiction, but it’s loosely based around my life and allows me to [unfortunately or fortunately] rediscover why/how certain events have happened. 

What are the potential rewards I will gain from doing this?

I think being able to complete the novel – or better yet – develop the habits and consistency to achieve completion is a head nod to myself that this can be done. Commitment. Patience. Two things that are difficult for me to achieve.

I think I will gain a better understanding of myself.

The last two sections are:

5) Develop A Plan of Action  //   6) Make Yourself Accountable.

As mentioned above, I’m pledging 200 words a day for NaNoWriMo.

I’m certainly not limited to 200 – if I feel inspired to write more, then I will.

My Dont's:

Additionally, I will be removing alcohol for the month of November [barring Thanksgiving, ha].

I am not a big drinker anyway, but waking up and being productive after a night of drinking is insanely difficult for me.

I have also stopped intentionally dating for the rest of the year [the apps had to go] – this girl has way too many projects [Nano] and work related stuff [exciting new developments!] going on to throw any of my mental energy into that foolishness. We'll try again at the top of 2018 - for now, ain't nobody got time for that!

My Do's:

I want to be actively engaged with other NaNo writers this time around: look for me on Twitter!  Perhaps I will see if anything NaNo related is happening in Seattle?

Closing Comments:

I am absolutely focusing on myself: the whole of 2017 has seen me running around trying to do far too much.

It’s time to chill and hone in on closing out the year strong!

Good luck to all my NaNo participants and don’t worry about the editing! Just. Write.

Mood Music: Control - Janet Jackson

Here... Comes... NaNoooo...

 

Honor Coffee

We’re about a month and some change away from NaNoWriMo. My, how fast a year has gone!

Last NaNo I managed to punch out 6,000 words – this was not only during the high stress tension of the election, but concurrent with my breakup. I remember feeling like I was “too broken” to write;  life was taking way too many shits on me. Quite honestly, I just wanted to lay in the corner balled in the fetal position and cry.

I started smoking again [I have since then quit].

It’s always those irksome, intense moments that throw me back into terrible habits.

I would wake up early in the morning, usually around 5:00am – eye lids struggling to stay open, crust layering on my eyelash line [ew]  to write between 200-600 words before getting ready for work.

[I had just left my Ad Agency gig – thank GOD -  and got a new job in tech. Whoot!]

If I couldn’t get anything out [written] or wanted to preserve my sleep [by hitting snooze 17 times], I’d get it in [write], during the evening between reliving events from my breakup, reading “think pieces” on the election and hoofing an L&M menthol 100s on my deck.

Listen, I’m a multitasker, alright? Ha.

Those introspective moments were "helpful" in debriefing my shitty former relationship [to which, I ended]. 

I kept thinking:

How did I get here? Where did I go wrong? What steps are necessary to avoid repeating these mistakes again?

Most importantly:

How the fuck do I fit this [or some elements of it] in the story??

It was November when the high was 35-40 degrees. Wrapped in faux fur blanket, I looked like a chain smoking, destitute bum postulating to no one in particular.

Life is learning, right?

Inside Honor

I still haven’t decided on a numerical goal for myself this year. 

Look, I already know I'm not making it to 50,000 words - let's be real.

I’m going to participate, but, once again I’m struggling to come up with a disciplined schedule. Ugh.

I feel like that will be a post for next month.

If you weren’t aware – NaNo has a YouTube channel dedicated to assisting writers with their manuscript goals. They have a live, virtual write-in session 2-4 times a month hosted by a member of their staff [including interns]. You’re given prompts and numerous exercises to help jump start your inner creative moon child. [Wtf is a moon child?].

I wasn’t able to participate in any of the live streams,  so instead I chose to listen in on a recorded session from July.

[I should really take advantage of these – as should you]. These sessions are interactive on Google Hangouts.

In preparation for this years NaNoWriMo, I came across several YouTuber’s including Clarereadsbooks who have compiled helpful lists of things needed to strengthen your desired NaNo outcome: she calls it her "Survival Kit". 

The girl has won NaNo [3] times within the [5] years of being a participant; I'm inclined to take her advice.

I noticed that some of the items in her kit have been discussed in this blog; remember that post I wrote on software?

She suggests using Scrivner -  the popular, software program [albeit, pricey] that many aspiring writers use. 

Another suggestion: write things down.  I know, "well, duh."

I'm one of those people who write on everything: notebooks, napkins, mail, notepads, sticky notes etc,  Problem is, it's never organized.

Do as I say, not as I do. Organize yo' shit. 

Another YouTuber worth following is YA Fantasy writer, Vivien Ries – her channel offers a number of different resources, tips, tricks and the like, to become a badass writing machine.

She just recently uploaded a video on Social Media Basics for writers – which reminds me...I gotta get on that. My Instagram is sorely lacking.

Mood Music: DNA - Kendrick Lamar